- Welcome to Rudolph's (and almost every little gay boy's) worst nightmare: gym class. As if Rudolph isn't nervous enough about the reindeer equivalent of the rope climb, Donner has made some kind of basic black nose condom for his son to wear. Rudolph senses his father's shame. To make matters worse, said nose condom makes him talk like someone from Schenectady with a sinus infection. Rudolph meets future closet case Fireball (that tuft of red hair didn't style itself) who, in his eagerness to prove how straight he is, befriends Rudolph at the Reindeer Games and tells him it's "a great place to impress the does!" Right, Fireball, and the locker room is a great place to bond with other bros. Not surprisingly, the prettiest of all the does, a fashion forward chick with false eyelashes and a hair bow named Clarice, picks up the sensitive Rudolph right away, sensing he's different (and somehow better) than the other reindeer. All right, Clarice; I know Rudolph listens to you and protects you from the unwanted glances of other bucks and gossips with you at the salt lick, but you're barking up the wrong tree. Thrilled that someone is being nice to him, Rudolph flits and flies better than all the other Reindeer to the amazement of his peers and the coach. When Rudolph starts to playfully rut with Fireball after Clarice calls him "cute," his nose starts to glow under its condom and is revealed. Self-hating Fireball tells him to get away, as if he might contract the gay gene through nasal contact. The other bucks start calling poor Rudolph names and just when the adults could make it better, they don't.

Santa: Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Reindeer Coach: Alright bucks, we won't let Rudolph join in any of our reindeer games, isn't that right?

Bucks: Right!

- While Rudolph is struggling not to get gay bashed, a blond sprig of an elf (who looks and sounds like Carson Kressley) named Hermey is getting a verbal beat down from the head of the toy department because he wants to be a dentist. "You're an elf, make toys!" Hermey decides to run away (it's never exactly made clear if Santa owns the elves and the reindeer) and meets up with Rudolph and arctic prospector Yukon Cornelius. Together, the three escape the Abominable Snowman on an ice float that brings them to the Island of Misfit Toys. Where to begin... Basically, the Island of Misfit Toys is a gay bar where slightly "off" but totally cool-looking toys (stuffed elephants with polka dots, lions with wings, talking trains) all live together in exile hoping Santa will take them to good little girls and boys for Christmas one day. Best toy on the island? "Charlie-in-the-box" because "who wants a toy in a box if it isn't Jack?" Fearing his red nose will attract the Abominable Snowman to Gay Bar Island (by the way, if I ever open a gay bar, I'm calling it "Island of Misfit Toys"), Rudolph leaves and wanders alone, eventually returning home to find out that his terrible, guilt-ridden parents and Clarice went missing looking for him.

- To conclude our allegory, Rudolph, dentist apprentice Hermey and Yukon Cornelius all rescue the Donner party (see what I did there?) plus Clarice from the Snowman's icy cave. Once back at the North Pole, Donner and the other jerks sheepishly apologize to Rudolph because hey, he may be gay and have a red nose, but he was braver than all of them ever were. Suddenly, the nose that was his cause for scorn becomes his most celebrated feature. Santa changes his tune when he realizes that glowing beacon can lead his sleigh through a storm. That's not really the kind of growth I was hoping for. Santa slightly redeems himself by sending the Misfit Toys to good homes, even though it means last call at Gay Bar Island. And, although this isn't included in the actual film, I assume the Donners start a PFLAG chapter in the North Pole, Clarice and Rudolph get a condo on the Upper West Side together where they'll have lots of zany, sitcom antics and Fireball eventually comes out to Rudolph on Chanukah and declares his long-held attraction to boys with ginger noses. Also, Rudolph and his finally out-and-proud red nose win at life: Can you think of another reindeer who has his own song?

Rudolph the red nosed reindeerRudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: A Gay Christmas Allegory