So, in light of the dating and clothing rules I just mentioned, let's talk about your dressing options. Here are some gentle guidelines designed to help you get the girls.

*There will always be exceptions to the rules. I just want to point out that this is a subjective and personal list designed to illustrate what girls like me will like, not all women.

There are a few celebrities that I would take in any form. Joaquin Phoenix, for example. Even in his crazy phase, with the disheveled hair and stoner scat-speech, and/or because of his harelip, I would help him make a full recovery to normalcy and hotness. Or Eric Northman from True Blood. Sure, cut your hair, fine. Sure, wear my tank top. I don't mind.

*If you are not a celebrity, but could pass for either of these men, dress however you want -- be my guest.

Hot viking vampire god, Eric Northman, a.k.a. Alexander Skarsgard, can dress in a pashmina for all I care.

Joaquin Phoenix can go crazy if he wants to.

Here are the obvious ones:

1. No pajamas in public. I know, just like us, you have days off and you don't feel like putting in much effort. But never, under any circumstances, are you allowed to cruise around town in your pajamas, unless you want everyone to know you are a homesick college student, or perhaps a crackhead.

No, Robert Downey Jr. No. (Scott Halleran/Getty Images)

This goes for sweatpants, too. As Jerry Seinfeld can back me up, you basically just gave up on the world.

2. No white guy dreadlocks. If you have to spend a lot of time making your hair into a textured, smelly mess, it's probably not meant to be. Everyone has always known this, except for Winona Ryder, who made an unfortunate error in judgment by dating the lead singer of Soul Asylum in the '90s.

Winona Ryder's ex and his white boy dreads.

3. Dress like an adult. Also, if I can't see your ass, I can't see you.

4. Speaking of pants, avoid "jeggings." Please leave something to the imagination. Wearing girl jeans this tight tells me all I need to know and more about your chicken calves.

5. Obviously, no. We already talked about how I feel about these goth pants.

And here are the not-as-obvious ones:

1. Wear a suit.

I know it's been the same for 200 years, but we women still like the way you look -- just like that Men's Warehouse commercial -- in a suit. We don't really want you to change. Which is why this image from redcarpet-fashionawards.com is so funny. The awards ceremonies, like weddings, are not really for you -- you just have to show up and hold a purse for someone else.

2. Don't be a douchebag. All I had to do was Google flip-flops. Fine, if you live in an ocean community, you can wear flip-flops. But somehow jocks got it in their head that if they combined baggy designer jeans and a guido-style button-up shirt with flip flops, it would be like catnip to us. Guess what? It's not. And we don't really want to see your feet.

I don't know how 'N Sync ever made it- there's only like 2 1/2 cute ones. And their stylist should be arrested. (LUCY NICHOLSON/AFP/Getty Images)

forsale — Look at this guy I found on denverpost.com. Doesn't he just look like he is convinced he's living out some "Scarface" fantasy on his honeymoon while mountain climbing and wine-tasting?

3. There are limits. Even for two of the hottest men on the planet, you just can't ever wear a college-dropout scrubby beanie or a thin, patchouli-scented hippy scarf. Ever. David Beckham and Johnny Depp should know better.

What's worse is that David Beckham is at a Lakers game, so it's probably not even cold out. (Noel Vasquez/Getty Images)

Johnny Depp has been a pirate for too long. (Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images)

4. You can't groom yourself more than we do. We don't like it when your hair looks better than ours, or when you use our fancy, expensive shampoo.

If you're going to wear your hair long, it has to be a little unkept and ratty, a la the Grunge days.

5. Try going to an actual hair place and getting them to give you a real haircut. That means somewhere besides Supercuts and you will probably have to pay more than $10. Just do what we do, pick a celebrity, and copy them.

Morrissey just found a style and stuck with it for the last forty years. It works.

6. You have to at least attempt to look like you have a job. That might make it seem like we are gold-diggers, but we just don't want to have to pick you up from your warehouse you share with six roommates and have to get the tip for you every single time.

7. Brand-whoring doesn't work, and please stay away from anything Kanye wears, ever. What does it even mean to have a Fendi logo on your head? Did Silvia Fendi come over and shave it in? I sort of understand the hip hop act of appropriating the culture of wealth as antagonism, but it still just makes it look like you are giving a label power over you. And it also makes you look like a billboard, like you're essentially wearing a Budwesier t-shirt. If you want to convey you have money, you should wear things that are obviously well-made. Those who are in the know, will know.

Look, Will Smith understands understated. He's the boy, we just want him to look 'money', not wear $$money$$. (Elisabetta Villa/Getty Images)

8. If you don't have money, you can still fake it with a little swagger, a thrifted suit, and some crazy socks. Like this guy.

9. Keep your clothes on, even if you go to the gym. Ok, so you're not into suits. Fine. You don't have to show us your muscles to denote masculinity instead of money. Muscles to me say one thing: you spend all your free time at the gym, which is both boring and intimidating.

Look how much better Henry Rollins looks in a black t-shirt and pants, compared to his naked performance below. If all else fails, go for black jeans and a t-shirt, any time. — Look how much better Henry Rollins looks in a black t-shirt and pants, compared to when he's running around shirtless and flexing. If all else fails, go for black jeans and a t-shirt, any time. (Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for A+E Networks)

10. You don't have to be a muscle man to win our hearts. We are OK with you being super skinny or a little rotund, because it makes us feel better about ourselves.

The fine Mr. Adrien Brody, while sort of muscle-y, is probably made to be that way by his handlers since he is a movie star, after all. But I get the sense he is naturally super skinny. (BORIS HORVAT/AFP/Getty Images)

I kind of have a sweet spot for the teddy-bearish working man, Stan Larsen, from "The Killing". (AMC)

11. Have confidence. Just look at Prince. He's a tiny man who wears ruffles, but I wouldn't trust myself alone with him. He is the definition of confidence, to a panty-dropping T.

Or, take Lemmy from Motorhead. Not the most attractive man, especially with the moles, but you can just look at him and tell he knows exactly what he likes and who he is.

Lemmy likes black and cowboy hats, and has been wearing the same thing for forty years. He also has too much speed in his veins to ever safely detox or he'll go into shock, but we don't have to talk about that. (Chung Sung-Jun/Getty Images)

12. Speaking of Lemmy, be a bad boy. I mean, if you have those tendencies. If not, don't fake it. Until we get older, bad boys have their time and place as a great distraction from our boring lives.

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards in all their sexy, '70s glory. ('Stones In Exile')

Sooner or later, we grow out of bad boys. Probably because they don't age well. And if they're not rock stars, they have a high chance of becoming the homeless alcoholics that live near your dumpster.

Not quite as sexy now, are they? (BORIS HORVAT/AFP/Getty Images)

13. Did we talk about how hot tattoos are? OK, I know it's such a cliche, and I am outing myself big time right now for being so superficial, but tattoos totally work. As in, on my wild, wild heart. But the reason is not that they signify tough guys, cause yeah, I know that they do, but because to me, they say that you don't take yourself so seriously. Why does your body have to be a temple? Can't it just be some thing you write dumb things on? It's especially refreshing when you're not afraid to get stupid tattoos, like Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and his elephants.

14. Let's talk about shoes. If you are one of those guys with a sneaker collection, you're just showing the world that you are an over-paid infantile computer programmer who plays video games with internet strangers every day of the week instead of spending your money on a few pairs of classy shoes that you could wear to a nice restaurant. You think your day-glo sneakers express how "funky fresh" you are, but they don't.

melrosenadspaulding.com — Just get some Vans. From melroseandspaulding.com.

Maybe try Red Wing worker boots with a good pair of jeans?

15. I'll respect your authority occasionally. These boots touch on another slightly underplayed style trait that girls like to secretly dig: Authority is hot. These boots remind me of both a punk and a cop and I am pretty into it. Let me state for the record that yes, of course, cops are lame, but, just like your "madonna/whore" complex, girls are equally into boot-wearing authority figures and soft-spoken boat shoes kind of boys.

16. Enough with the beards. Seriously. Did you hear me, San Francisco? Enough. Look, I know that shaving is probably really annoying, but please think about shaving.

And another thing about beards: Let the bears have their culture back. I'm sure they are annoyed and confused.

17. Wear clothes that fit you. Look at this guy -- he's just some regular guy, but he looks great because he is actually wearing the right size. If you are confused, ask a salesperson to help you. That's what they are there for. Or take a gay or a girl along. That's what they are there for.

18. When in doubt, go nautical. Never underestimate the appeal of a sailor outfit or a grandpa cardigan.

19. Dress like a normal person. Look at this guy. He's just a dude, wearing dude clothes.

So I should probably tell you that my boyfriend is European, so I have it easier than most, and maybe he has raised my expectations. He knows how to wear a pair of pants that fit, but that doesn't mean he is a walk in the park. Every time he agrees to go shopping, we spend an hour on his clothes and then he's too tired when I want to shop for myself. That being said, it's opened my eyes to your potential, boys. So, remember what we talked about -- there are things that girls like and things that we don't, but above all else just remember...

Adrien BrodyAdrien Brody

A Style Guide for Straight Guys