Arrested Development/Fox

So you have daddy issues and you hate your mother, which has led you to experiment with different identities and take risks like visiting Oakland. For you, the best way to watch the newest season of Arrested Development is amongst a crowd of people you are DEFINITELY not related to, who don’t know your real name, age or whether you are in fact confined to a wheelchair. Luckily the Parkway is marathoning the season in two sittings and costumes are encouraged. Possible costumes include: Leather Daughter, Studio Executive or Victim of BS Disease

2. Marathon Alone in Your Apartment: George Michael

Bad things are always happening to you. First off, you’re in love with your (maybe) cousin, everyone hates your actual girlfriend (her?), and you spend your days shilling fruit at the beach. Because of these factors and your general goodie two shoes-ness, no one wants to hang out with you and you end up spending a lot of time face down on your carpet…alone. So there’s really only one way you can watch the new season of Arrested Development: in your bed, under the covers, all at once, eating mayoneggs. You’ll be gone for days but don’t worry, no one will call the police.

3. Test Your Relationship by Watching on a Schedule with a Partner: Buster and (either) Lucille

Arrested Development/Netflix

You’re never sure how much your partner (or your mom) really cares about you. Yes, they want you around to zip up their dresses and participate in mother/son beauty pageants but who’s to say they won’t trade you in for a younger model (“Annyong!”)? Who’s to say they won’t murder you when they go off their meds? Here’s a way to find out if they REALLY love you: make them watch the new season of Arrested Development with you on a schedule, one episode a night. That way you will know where they are every night and if they start speaking along with lines at any point, you will know they’ve been cheating!

4. Throw a Theme Party: Lindsay

We know you’re great at throwing a fundraiser, whether it’s to end circumcision or your cause is TBD. Also, you’re a shopaholic (you’ve been looking for the right time to wear your lotion made of diamonds) and you’re an attention whore (because your mother doesn’t love you). All reasons why you should throw a theme party and try to forget that you’ve never seen your husband naked.

5. Watch Alone “When You Get To It”: Michael

Congratulations. You’re SOOOOO practical and responsible. You probably don’t even have Netflix. We would write more about you, but that about covers it. You’ll probably spend the next two weeks acting all superior to your friends and saying you’re too busy riding your bike or saving your family business to watch the new season of Arrested Development. Have fun up there on your boring mountain top of predictability but don’t be surprised when your son finds more entertaining (drunker) relatives to hang out with.

6. On Google Glass, Constantly: GOB

Everyone hates you.

Season four of Arrested Development goes live on Netflix on May 26.

By Emmanuel Hapsis and Lizzy Acker

If Freaks and Geeks would have continued beyond its ridiculously short one-season run, Sam Weir might have went on battling the bullies of his high school with mild success. He might have had that life-changing mentor who recognized his genuine artistic talent or his extraordinary computer coding skills and encouraged him to apply to NYU or Stanford. His family, from the fictional town of Chippewa, Michigan, might not have had the money to pay his tuition and so Sam might take out loans for college and graduate with big time debt. But it would have been worth it. It was in college that he found like-minded individuals. It was in his theater troupe or his D&D club that he found he didn’t need Greek life or football to boost his popularity, that he could be himself, his totally uncool self. And that’s pretty cool.

At some point in our lives, we have all experienced the feeling of being uncool, or of being the underdog, the person in society or a situation with little influence and even littler chance of succeeding. Of course, underdogs are often fan favorites. Fans who pay $250 for a ticket to see Roger Federer take on an unseeded 19-year-old from Japan do not want it to end in three sets. They want major tension, they want a game. As a spectator, rooting for the underdog is easy and fun. As the underdog, life is anything but.

robotsinmasquerade.blogspot.com

Unlike Freaks and Geeks, when Glee first premiered in 2009, it was not only one of the most hyped up shows of the season, it was one of the most controversial. From creator Ryan Murphy (Nip/Tuck, Popular, American Horror Story) came a high school dramedy centered around mostly underdogs: a group of students with gifted vocal cords, trying to make it in their glee club. How uncool is that? The original promos featured our core group of kids getting Slurpee-like drinks, known on the show as “Big Quench,” thrown in their faces. The producers even went so far as to use “Big Quench” as one of their major icons as though to say, We Are The Kids You Pick On. And you were either with them or against them. And if you were against them, well, good luck to you. The show helped to give even more rise to the geek, the gay, the freak, the underdog. It tackled your typical high school topics: gun control, suicide, sexual identity, teen pregnancy, and above all, bullying. But something began resonating with actual kids in actual American high schools. And after a slew of actual teen suicides, foundations and organizations (The Trevor Project, Born this Way Foundation) shot into the limelight, and rightfully so.

One of the most well-known and well-documented was the It Gets Better Project, started by author Dan Savage whose goal was to help prevent LGBT youth suicide through messages of encouragement, assuring the viewer that life will get better beyond their lowest of low points. And what a hit it was! From Tom Hanks to Google, from the San Francisco Giants to Kermit the Frog, celebrities jumped at this chance to help. It was (and still sort of is) an inspiring campaign and because of the Internet and YouTube, unlike any that preceded it. If you helped out with this cause or any like it, you were pretty much the coolest. If you didn’t, wow, totally uncool man for realz.

However you label it, the outcast, the underdog, the other, have always been a part of popular culture, be it in movies, television, books, or real life. The underdog creates tension and makes for a great story. It gives us as the spectators someone to root for and gives the actual underdog something to strive for, a shot at living the cool life, not matter how uncool they are. There’s a moment in the beloved film Can’t Hardly Wait when Jennifer Love Hewitt’s character Amanda is on the search for Preston, played by the adorable Ethan Embry. Preston (nobody) has admired Amanda (somebody) for some time now. She finally reads the love letter Preston has written her and is on the hunt for him at a party, not knowing much about who he is or what he looks like. She stumbles upon two stoners who give her this description: “He’s kinda tall. Has hair. And wears tee shirts sometimes.” It’s perhaps the best line of the movie and a great example of how easy it is for young people to get lost in the shuffle. No wonder these years are known for rebellion and the search for identity. Everyone in high school wears tee shirts sometimes!

In the end, we’re all just looking for a way to be ourselves, to be our own individualized subculture of one. And if we go unnoticed, it sucks, and if we go too noticed, it also sucks. We just want to find that happy medium, that compromise, that moment when the slow tempo shifts to fast tempo and although we’re scared, we decide to go with the flow and just dance. And that’s pretty cool.

If you haven’t used at least three different highlighters in your calendar to mark the release of Arrested Development’s fourth season this Sunday, you’ve made a huge mistake. To celebrate, Don and I collaborated on an exclusive, special edition of “Whilst in SF” featuring the Bluth family.

Taste the happy, readers!

WHEN I CHECK THE WEATHER AND REALIZE IT’S GOING TO BE OVER 80 DEGREES

VISITING NORTH BEACH ESTABLISHMENTS

ANYTIME ANYTHING HAPPENS ON MUNI, IT’S JUST LIKE:

WHEN I VISIT A PACKED DOLORES PARK AT 2:00 P.M. ON A WEEKDAY

TRYING TO ORDER A COSMO AT ZEITGEIST

THE FIRST TIME I VISITED FISHERMAN’S WHARF

MOVING TO THE PRESIDIO

Want more? Lucky you! See the rest of the GIFs (including some that aren’t KQED appropriate!) over at The Bold Italic.

Before Elton John, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Marilyn Manson, Lady Gaga and their epic stage and personal antics, there was Liberace, aka Mr. Showmanship, the original too-much celebrity, marinated in his own eccentricities.

Sunday, May 26 HBO premiers Behind the Candelabra (so titled because of Liberace’s trademark candelabra that he kept on his piano during shows), a film by Steven Soderbergh of Scott Thorson’s notorious, just re-released tell-all about his life as lover and plaything of the world famous pianist. The film, starring Michael Douglas as Liberace and Matt Damon as Thorson, took almost half a decade to produce but looks well worth the wait. The book is so filled with weird, jaw-dropping revelations about the over-the-top celebrity lifestyle Thorson shared with Liberace (matching fur capes and gold plated Rolls Royces to start… have I piqued your interest?) it’s almost not to be believed. Thankfully, our celebrity culture has evolved since the death of Liberace in 1987 to the point where we’ll believe just about anything (thank you, TMZ). Thorson met Liberace when he was 17 and was quickly brought into the 47 year-old entertainer’s entourage and personal life. Thorson quotes Liberace as saying he wanted to be “Father, brother and lover” to the younger man… guess which one took precedent? Here are some of the things we’re most looking forward to Sunday night when Soderbergh’s film premiers.

1. Matt Damon in a Speedo

The books details quite a lot of Thorson and Liberace’s sexual relationship; a more accurate title might actually be Beneath the Candelabra if you get my hint. The preview includes a few shots of Matt Damon, towheaded like we haven’t seen him since Good Will Hunting, getting out of one of Liberace’s Roman-bath-by-way-of-Palm-Springs pools in a very tiny speedo. So, clearly, let’s get more of that and I predict Emmy!

2. Debbie, Dearest

Hollywood legend Debbie Reynolds (Singin’ in the Rain and mother of Princess Leia herself, Carrie Fisher) was a friend of Liberace’s in real life (they shared an agent for their Vegas engagements) and now plays his domineering, religious mother Frances in the film. The icon of old show business razzle dazzle is dramatically unrecognizable in the role sporting a frumpy gray wig, glasses and not a sequin in sight (we assume all sequins in North America were diverted to Douglas’s wardrobe). If Reynold’s role is anything like Mama Liberace is portrayed in the book the 81 year-old glamour girl has a great Faye Dunaway opportunity to chew scenery. As Thorson says of Mrs. Liberace: “when she died, Lee (Liberace) didn’t shed a single tear but went to pieces a few months later at the death of one of his many poodles.” Don’t even bother chewing, Debbie: just swallow the scenery whole.

3. Speaking of Sequins

No movie about Liberace would be complete without recreations of some of those famously understated costumes from his stage wardrobe (see also his collection of hairpieces). Beads, ruffles, feathers, velvet, satin, sequins, furs, jewels: the man made Cher look like a Shinto nun by comparison. Also, apparently the rule for men wearing capes is as follows: capes are only allowable if you are a superhero or a world famous concert pianist. Here’s the best part of the Liberace wardrobe: in a head-to-toe white satin and ermine ensemble bedecked with more mirrors than the a NASA telescope, the man insisted on publicly playing it straight until the day he died from AIDS complications. I fear that for an entire generation of women over 80 this movie will be a rude awakening about the private life of a man they may still be holding torches for.

4. Making an Entrance

Liberace was just as famous for his elaborate entrances (like the one above where he’s driven onstage by the real Scott Thorson in a rhinestone studded Rolls Royce) as he was for his befurred and bejeweled wardrobe. Also, we hear he played the piano! We’ve never exactly been sure what all this has to do with Chopin and Beethoven but we’re excited to find out!

5. Michael Douglas As We’ve Never Seen Him Before

The Academy Award winning actor hasn’t had a role this good in years (thanks for trying, team behind Wall Street sequel but no thanks) and has never played so far against type. Over-the-top antics aside, Liberace was an enormously talented musician and captivating personality and we’re looking forward to seeing how Douglass channels his own brand of charisma into the role. We’re also seriously hoping his wife, fellow Academy Award winner Catherine Zeta Jones, gave him some pointers on just how to do that diva strut across the stage to his piano bench.

6. The Soundtrack

Like I said, somewhere in all of this is the story of a gifted musician. For proof of the talent behind the tacky, listen to Liberace playing the “14th Hungarian Rhapsody” by Liszt; he never would have had the opportunity to get that tacky if he hadn’t been that talented.

7. Rob Lowe Unable to Blink

HBO/Behind the Candelabra screen grab of Rob Lowe

The very handsome Rob Lowe underwent migraine inducing makeup (lots of pulling and scotch tape, we imagine) for his role as plastic surgeon to the stars, Dr. Jack Startz. Seriously, take a look, that’s Rob Lowe in there. Startz plays an important role in the book and we hope to see a lot of him in the film version. Well, maybe not see… don’t look directly at him, children. Startz allegedly told a young Thorson that cocaine was not addictive and allowed him to trade expensive pieces of jewelry for painkillers. And you thought your prescription drug plan was bad.

8. The Couple that Facelifts Together…

Well, in the case of Liberace and Thorson they do not actually stay together. Apparently, the relationship went sour around the time Thorson underwent some surgery by Dr. Startz at Liberace’s insistence that was supposed to make Thorson more closely resemble a young Liberace. I’m just going to repeat that so it can sink in: Liberace made his lover get plastic surgery on his face so he would look like him. I know, it doesn’t get any less weird the more you say it. Terrible to live through (I can only imagine) but fabulous to read about and hopefully see on screen! How fame and wealth corrupt and pervert even the gentlest of souls; and how the scorned heart seeks vengance, especially when the scorned is half of a celebrity coupling. Let’s just hope that Soderbergh’s film takes us on as wild a ride as its source material. I’ve got my sequined cape all ready for Sunday night!

Behind the Candelabra premiers Sunday, May 26 on HBO

Behind the Candelabra: My Life with Liberace by Scott Thorson is available through Tantor Media online and in stores now

The Office/NBC

Time is basically irrelevant without markers to let you know it’s passing. You go along, day to to day, doing jobs, eating dinner and then suddenly, BOOM! something happens to remind you that you are getting old and that someday, you are going to die.

So it is with tomorrow’s series finale of The Office, a show that has been on since my last semester of undergrad, April 2005–so in a way, my whole adult life. That’s nine seasons and eight years. In Lizzy-time, that’s five baby cousins born into my family who aren’t babies anymore. Three states, six bedrooms, two degrees, two surfboards, eight roommates, five bikes, one book, six jobs, one real-life boyfriend and three pairs of glasses.

“The American Version of The Office,” which those of us just returning from abroad trips in Britain in 2005 continued to call it for at least the first four seasons, never really reached the insanely painful heights of its British predecessor. The genius of Ricky Gervais in his original production of The Office on BBC 2 was that he was able to create characters just on the edge of believable, that made you so uncomfortable you almost had to turn away, precisely because you knew they could be real people. The America Office could never quite achieve that; its characters were always just a bit too silly. But after awhile, the show became its own thing. As apposed to sitcoms that defined previous eras, filled with leisure time and absurd apartments, it was about the daily grind, spending the majority of your hours with people you didn’t choose, in front of computers and trying to work the copy machine. The Pam and Jim romance kept us hopeful; the antics of the various bosses made us feel like our bosses weren’t so bad and also weren’t so good. I don’t know if this is necessarily a good thing, but The Office helped a whole generation of us Millennials romanticize normalcy and lowered expectations. And it helped goofy tall guys everywhere get some action.

Anyone who cares at all about TV will tell you that in the last few years, (last handful of years?), The Office has lost some of its original magic. New shows like Parks and Recreation took its mockumentary style and did it better, with more laughs and a more purpose. It’s characters, especially Dwight, became too ridiculous. Pam and Jim proved that no one wants to actually see the happily ever after. But in this final season, it has come back to being meaningful. Pam and Jim hit the rocks, like all married couples (I am told) and the characters final became aware of the fact that they were in a documentary, which feels strangely satisfying. Tomorrow, the whole story will get wrapped up. Maybe Pam and Jim will leave Dunder Mifflin. Maybe they won’t. Either way, it will be a little bittersweet but not so bad. Everything has its time and maybe tomorrow the people who will really be quitting the paper company will be us. Time marches on. And now it is time to find another job–something a little more interesting maybe?– and a new TV show to define the next stage of our lives.

Rosalynn Carter and Jimmy Carter with Barbara Walters in 1978/Wikipedia Commons

Barbara Walters has been on television my entire life. Actually, she’s been on a lot longer than that, but my point is that I never had to live in a Nielsen world without her gentle, rounded R’s soothing me through a national crisis. Come this time next year, I’ll have to adjust. After weeks of speculation the news veteran, who has interviewed everyone from Sadat to Putin (and the most watched interview of all time, with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky), announced her plans to retire from television in 2014 on her show The View. Walters, 83, stressed that her retirement had nothing to do with her health (she’s had heart surgery and a recent bout of dangerous adult chicken pox in the last year) and that the decision was hers.

There are all kinds of reasons we’ll miss Barbara Walters on television and perhaps all kinds of reasons we won’t but there are two undeniable facts her retirement forces us to confront. First, Walters is among the last journalistic ties we have to the pioneering, early days of television news that’s still on the air: Murrow, Brinkley and Cronkite were the power players when Walters made a place for herself in the male dominated world of television news fifty years ago. More importantly, looking at the landscape of television and women in media the world seems to exist in a BBW and ABW context: Before Barbara Walters and After Barbara Walters. Before Barbara  Walters women on television news were weather girls, gal Fridays and mostly ran second to their male anchors. After Barbara Walters, women are (more) equal participants in how the news is made and reported.

1976 ABC News Anchors Harry Reasoner, Barbara Walters, Howard K. Smith/Wikipedia Commons

It will be said many times in the next year as ABC plans retrospectives, celebrations and countless “best of” specials but Barbara Walters opened the doors to the then boys-only club of television news, and while she was squeezing through whatever opening she could make for herself, other women followed. The stories of her triumphs over a system stacked against her are legendary and seem absurd now in their antiquated misogyny. When she first arrived on NBC’s Today Show in the 1960s, women on the program were still referred to as “Today Girls.” But by the time Walters left for ABC in the late ’70s they were co-hosts, a first for any woman on the network. When Walter’s left NBC to co-anchor the ABC Evening News (another first, one that Walters is often overlooked for in favor of Katie Couric’s solo hosting duties on CBS three decades later) she had a notoriously poor relationship with co-anchor Harry Reasoner, one for the time and the place it’s fair to say was colored by sexist resentment.

Even the often-parodied, frequently SNL-spoofed and cause of occasional personal hand-banging against the wall that is The View was a significant first: a show created by Walters for women and by women (remember her first season voice over? “I’ve always wanted to do a show with women of different generations, backgrounds and views: well, be careful what you wish for…”). Then there are her journalistic “gets:” sitting presidents, movie stars, legendary artists, foreign heads of state, spiritual leaders, embattled celebrities in every field ready to confess their sins on 20/20. Walters practically invented the on air confession as a necessary step in public redemption: I’ll feel a twinge when the first politician gets caught cheating on his wife after Walters retires and he’s forced to confess details to… oh God, it hurts me to say this, Piers Morgan.

Barack Obama on The View/Wikipedia Commons

If Murrow, Cronkite and Brinkley once calmed America in times of crisis with a paternal air of authority in her career Walters developed, if not exactly a maternal presentation during the breaking stories of our times, a very female one that was as key to our stability as viewers as the contributions of any male anchor. I always thought of Walters a sort of no-nonsense, old moneyed aunt: you had to be on your best behavior with her but if you were clever and worthy of it, she’d warm up during an interview and maybe reward you with a few laughs. When Princess Diana died in 1997, my family was watching the news coverage with Walters: in a moment that defined for me her special kind of human interest reporting she asked one of her co-anchors if there had been any word from Buckingham Palace about Diana’s young sons, who were on holiday in Scotland at the time of the crash. Maybe earlier in her career Walters had to fight for and insist on her authority but as the landscape of television changed, she was able to take a role as elder stateswoman: in the trenches when she needed to be, waiting for the big interviews to come to her and, by creating shows like The View (and inspiring its imitators) continuing to make opportunities for the women that would follow her and one day take her place.

Chris Meloni as Elliot Stabler in Law & Order: SVU

It seems to me that just about everyone has a little crush on Christopher Meloni. Maybe it’s his unique body of work that sets him apart. Or maybe it’s his intense, searing stare. Sure, he might not have strong name recognition like our old standbys George Clooney and Brad Pitt, but that’s not stopping boys and girls everywhere from loving Meloni. I’ve done some field research on the subject including but not limited to performing my own Law and Order: SVU marathon(s) and having several lengthy conversations with friends on the subject. More than one of us has stayed home on a weekend night just to watch SVU, due in no small part to needing a heavy dose of lead Detective Elliot Stabler, played by the charming Christopher Meloni. But his years cleaning up the mean streets of NYC alongside Mariska Hargitay–sadly, now over–are not the only reason we keep coming back for more. If you can’t handle the wait until his next movie, Man of Steel, comes out (June 14), here is a collection of some of Chris’ most dynamic and compelling roles to help fill the gap in your heart.

 1. Chris Keller: Oz

As Chris Keller in Oz, Meloni isn’t afraid to tackle serious subjects. Brooding, maniacal yet somehow enchanting, Chris Keller is a role Meloni really sinks his teeth into. Keller explores his sexuality and self-loathing in equal measure and Meloni’s performance throughout the HBO series is mesmerizing. He beautifully and effortlessly depicts Keller’s complex torment. The kid’s got chops.

2. Sven: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas & 3. Gene: Wet Hot American Summer

It’s not always the leading men that steal the scene. In Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Meloni plays long-haired sass-pot Sven, the Flamingo Hotel desk clerk though his role is uncredited.  While in Wet Hot American Summer, he plays Gene, camp cook and strange habit having Vietnam vet. I had the privilege of seeing this performance happen live at last year’s SF Sketchfest and I can personally attest to Meloni’s brilliant comic timing. Gene the cook and his oddball one-liners have helped Wet Hot American Summer secure its forever place in cult movie heaven.

4. Johnny Gunn; 1st & Ten: The Championship

In 1984, years before hitting the cell-block in Oz, Chris Meloni starred alongside OJ Simpson as Johnny Gunn in 1st & Ten: The Championship, a sports comedy about a fictional California football team. Here, while wearing a gold chain and sans shirt, he defends the honor of the King, Elvis Presley. It’s this kind of shirtless acting that really allows us to follow in love with Chris and all of his skills. What range!

5. Guy in a McDonald’s Ad

Like most actors, Christopher Meloni has had to pay his dues. That means acting in commercials during the early stages of his career. Luckily for us (and for him) he found a way to make the most odd McDonald’s campaign in the ’80s endearing. Listen as he explains all the reasons why this woman shouldn’t date him just to get her to practically beg for a date. Oh that Chris, always get them eating out of his hand.

6. As Himself

An successful actor must also learn to navigate the media. Press junkets and the like can be tedious but Christopher Meloni always seems to be a good sport. Even when interviewed/attempted seduced by known frog-lover Miss Piggy, Meloni keeps his cool. I also like to imagine that his cell phone really does have a Law and Order style “dun-dun” as it’s custom ring tone. That notion helps me sleep at night.

It’s this kind of light-hearted approach to ordinary life that makes Meloni so magnetic. He’s the man we want to be or want to be with, on some level. He’s strong, he’s handsome, he’s not afraid to kiss a man on screen. He’s the best, and we love him. What’s your favorite Meloni moment?

If you and your mom don’t get to see each other this Sunday, don’t worry. Unless it’s because she’s just suddenly gone missing, in which case, uh-oh, dude, you better go find your mom. I’ve compiled a list of great TV episodes that revolve around issues of motherhood. I don’t advise watching all of them with your mother, but I do recommend them all. And they’re all available streaming on Netflix!

1. King of the Hill – Peggy’s Turtle Song

Peggy, the ridiculously arrogant matriarch of the Hill family, has a sympathetic storyline in “Peggy’s Turtle Song.” When her son Bobby eats too much of a cereal called “Grandma’s Oatmeal Cookie Crunch” and disrupts class, he’s diagnosed with A.D.D. Peggy quits her job as a substitute teacher, but soon becomes bored staying home with a now incredibly well-focused son and takes up guitar lessons. She writes a song about a turtle who wants to escape her shell despite her attachment to it. Hank, her husband, is uncharacteristically tyrannical in this episode, and the prospect of Peggy learning the guitar (from a woman with green hair, no less) and performing her song on Mother’s Day upsets him. He comes around, of course, and attends her recital, where she plays the turtle song– the metaphor of which is not actually clear to her– to a group of caricatures of ’90′s feminists, who hoot and holler in appreciation. She tacks on a line about the turtle finding love “with a turtle named Hank.” Peggy has found liberation in her own square way, which is kind of beautiful.

Key Quote: “I thought we’d agreed to take a big step backwards together, but it sounds like you’d rather play punk music with your hippie friends on boring old Mother’s Day.”

2. The X-Files – Terms of Endearment

Wikipedia describes this episode as “an inversion of … Rosemary’s Baby,” which proves what I’ve suspected for a long time but have never been able to prove: the editors of Wikipedia do not know what the word “inversion” means. In “Terms of Endearment,” Mulder investigates Wayne Weinsider, a demon in human form who impregnates women and takes their babies. Most of the reason this episode is worth watching is that Weinsider is played by camp king Bruce Campbell in a weirdly staid– for a demon– role.

Key Quote: “Mr. Weinsider, I don’t want to arrest Laura. I’m sure you’d hate like the devil for this to happen as well.”

3. Home Movies – Get Away From My Mother

From “Home Movies.”

Home Movies’ central character, child VHS auteur Brendon, and his mother Paula, had, I think, one of the most interesting mother-son dynamics on television. In this first episode, in which Paula goes on a date with Brendon’s loutish gym coach, Brendon is still very much a child, not understanding the concept of dating and desperately needing Paula to watch the new movie he and his friends made, but because of the show’s loose voice-acting style and witty dialogue, the two have always reminded me of a couple of adult friends.

Key Quotes: “I like to go into this date with almost a chip on my shoulder. How dare he ask me out. How dare anybody put me through this. I’m wearing– just– this is my feeling, right now I’m at the precipice of my life, I’m at a turning point. I’ve decided that I’m just gonna go dressed how I am dressed, because otherwise it’s almost false advertising. I’m wearin’ big baggy pants and a shirt that makes a man wanna buy me another shirt.”

4. Arrested Development – Motherboy XXX

From Arrested Development, via Tumblr user keyridan.

If Brendon and Paula had a compellingly healthy and mature relationship, Arrested Development‘s Lucille and Buster Bluth are fascinating for the inverse reason: Buster is an adult child, and his mother uses his dependency to nurture her own vanity. At this point Buster’s left hand has been bitten off by a loose seal, and Lucille feels that Buster’s recent moodiness (and scary hook hand) will hurt her chances at winning “Cutest Couple” at a weird mother-son dinner dance called Motherboy. She takes her grandson and Buster breaks in to the dance to confront her.

Key Quote: “Whenever she changed clothes, she made me wait on the balcony until zip-up. And yet anything goes at bath time.”

5. Archer - Lo Scandalo

Further into unhealthy territory, this episode of the spy comedy revolves around its protagonist, Sterling Archer, attempting to dispose of the body of the Prime Minister of Italy, after Archer’s mother Mallory seduces the Prime Minister and most likely brings about his demise. I didn’t say they were all exemplary mothers. Jessica Walter plays Mallory, a more licensed-to-kill version of Lucille, whom Walter plays on Arrested Development.

Key Quote: “What else was on tonight’s menu? Sex under a hive of Africanized bees?”

6. Mad Men – Shoot

The character of Betty on Mad Men has become increasingly monstrous in the past few years, but Season One’s “Shoot,” gives her an epic moment of vindication. After a neighbor threatens to shoot the family dog for taking a bite out of one of his pigeons (did you ever have a neighbor threaten to shoot your dog when you were a kid? I did, and it bummed me out for days, and I probably wasn’t even that young), and also after a modeling gig falls through for her, Betty takes out a rifle and coolly begins shooting the neighbor’s pigeons out of the sky, cigarette in her mouth. I’ll leave you with this so you can think of how many times your mom probably did something this cool for you as a kid– the answer is most likely several.

What great mom-centric TV episodes did I miss? What’s the best Gilmore Girls episode? Should I be watching that Norman Bates show? Don’t get so caught up in TV-watching that you forget to call your mom!

Mothers’ Day is right around the corner, a day about finally remembering to return your mom’s phone calls and crafting bad macaroni art that expresses your appreciation for her. It’s also a day to remember those other women that helped mold you into the dazzling creature you have become. No, I’m not talking about your first grade teacher or your great grandmother (although I’m sure they’re really spectacular women); I’m talking about those fictional moms that made an impact through television or movies, the ones that you sometimes wished were your mom and the ones that made you thankful for your own. Here are the most frightening and most beloved fictional mothers in the history of forever.

THE FRIGHTENING

Joan Crawford: Mommie Dearest

Tumblr

Joan Crawford isn’t technically a fictional character, but there is some dispute over how accurate her daughter’s depiction of her is so I say it counts (also, why would we forgo any opportunity to talk about Joan Crawford?). So we all know that Joan is not a huge fan of wire hangers(who is really?), but that’s the least of it. Crawford also ties her son to his bed, says “I’d rather you go bald to school than looking like a tramp!” while cutting off her daughter’s hair, says “YOU LOVE TO MAKE ME HIT YOU!” while slapping her daughter in front of a reporter, forces her daughter to stay at the dinner table overnight until she finishes her undercooked steak, and then leaves them both out of her will. Way harsh, Tai.

Margaret White: Carrie

Tumblr

Some teens lock themselves in their rooms and write bad poetry about how absolutely horrible their mother is for grounding them or taking away phone privileges or whatever. These whiners obviously haven’t seen Carrie yet, a movie that makes most mothers look as gentle as Dumbo’s mom. Margaret White has a lot of opinions on what is suitable behavior for her daughter, Carrie. Let’s go over some of them: she should never wear red (that’s for hell-bound whores), she should only refer to her breasts as “dirty pillows,” she should think of pimples as “the Lord’s way of chastising you,” she should pray and ask forgiveness for her sinful period, she should be cool with getting tea thrown in her face, and she should heed the mantra: “They’re all going to laugh at you!” It’s enough to make anyone become a pyromaniac murderer!

Mary Jones: Precious

While there’s a degree of campy comedy to Joan Crawford and Margaret White, there’s nothing funny about Mary Jones (except maybe this genius creation). Not only does she facilitate her daughter’s sexual abuse, Mary also mentally abuses her and tries to drop a television on her head. The only capable person to negotiate a train wreck like that is a social worker played by Mariah Carey.

Betty Draper: Mad Men

Sonainthecity

Remember that time when you were a real brat during your puberty era? Well, Betty Draper seems to have gotten stuck there. She’s petulant, self-involved, and never satisfied, all characteristics that keep her from being a good mother. Like when Sally showed up wearing a plastic dry cleaning bag over her head and Betty warned that the clothes better not be in a pile somewhere. Or when she told Bobby to go bang his head against a wall after he said he was bored. Or when she dragged Sally into a closet and locked her inside (“You’re hurting me!” “Good!”). You get the picture.

THE BELOVED

Clair Huxtable: The Cosby Show

gifbase

Before Beyonce had the trademark on being perfect, it was all Clair Huxtable, a tough, yet elegant lawyer and mother of five children. While Bill Cosby believes he holds the power in the household, it’s usually Clair who gets to the bottom of things with a lecture about why you can’t just run off to Baltimore without permission or a perfect lesson on feminism (if you only click on one link for the rest of your life, let it be this one).

Molly Weasley: Harry Potter

Tumblr

The epitome of a mother hen, Molly Weasley is an encouraging, doting mother, who loves to make everyone feel at ease, despite, you know, the world possibly ending and everyone dropping dead and all of that jazz. But that doesn’t mean she’s just a domestic goddess; she will kill your ass if you threaten one of her children (see animated gif above).

Lorelai Gilmore: Gilmore Girls

Tumblr

Best fictional mom? Duh. Best fictional TV character ever? Quite possibly! Lorelai Gilmore is an impressive mom for more reasons than I can get into at the moment, but here are a few:

• named her daughter after herself because a. men do it all the time and b. why not?
• left a life of privilege with a baby in tow at the age of 16 and worked her way up from a maid at an inn to running the joint.
• put aside her pride and made a deal with her estranged parents to send her daughter to a good prep school.
• provided a sanctuary away from a scary religious Korean mother for her daughter’s best friend.
• sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Middler instead of getting upset after finding out her underage daughter attended a kegger and was the cause of severe property damage.
• did not kill her daughter when she dropped out of college and stole a boat.

But the best way to sum up the greatness of Lorelai Gilmore (apart from rewatching the entire series every year which I totally do) is through her daughter’s valedictorian speech (grab a tissue!):

SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN

Queen Mother: Alien

Tumblr

Take Molly Weasley’s protective vibe and multiply it by 7000 (plus buckets of slime saliva) and you get the Queen Mother from Alien. Sure, she’s frightening and monstrous and mutilates everyone who crosses her path, but she has her reasons! They pose a risk to her babies and she is not having any of that. No one said being maternal was always pretty.

Lucille Bluth: Arrested Development

Vulture

Sure, she has a pill problem and drinks before most people wake up in the morning and is real about not particularly liking some of her children, but somehow all of that doesn’t keep us from falling in love with Lucille every time she’s on screen. Maybe she’s not one to help you with your geometry homework or pack you a healthy, well-balanced lunch, but you should really be doing that for yourself anyway. Cheers and winks to this wonderful woman!

And there you have it, ladies and gentleman! Which fictional moms would make your list? And when are you going to call your mom? (Answer: right now).

Mama Bravo is a court-spectator going way back. “I started on the Menendez Brothers (everyone’s favorite parricidal Beverly Hills brats) and remember how much fun we had during OJ?”  I was just a kid at the time but it didn’t take me long to figure out what my mother saw in these grotesque spectacles televised on the regrettably late Court TV. We weren’t really soap opera people: why would we be, so long as people kept committing crimes and the media kept spoon feeding them to us in place of real news?

“I put Jodi Arias in the top five for sure, maybe even the top three of cases I’ve watched,” Mama Bravo explained recently. “Robert Blake, O.J., Scott Peterson, Casey Anthony, Phil Spector: none of them ever took the stand in their own defense. Not only did Jodi Arias testify on her own behalf; she did it for eighteen days and stuck her foot in her mouth for most of it!” Eighteen days, according to my mother, of some of the craziest court room happenings since the Manson girls shaved their heads. The nightly highlights went something like this:

“They showed more pictures of the crime scene today: that bathroom where she killed him will never be clean. They’re just going to have to remodel.”

“She corrected the GRAMMAR of the prosecutor today on cross examination!”

“I think she flipped off a witness! It’s all Nancy Grace can do from reaching through the TV and ringing Jodi’s neck!”

Deliberations start Monday, May 6 wrapping up a trial that has had more tongues wagging than the day Phil Spector wore his afro wig to court, or Michael Jackson danced on the SUV outside the courthouse at the start of his molestation trial or when O.J. tried on the glove. For those of you who have missed the media circus surrounding Arias, here are some of the weirdest moments.

Jodi’s Wednesday Addams Demeanor

“If I was on trial for murder, I’d try and downplay my own creepiness a little,” Mama Bravo stated when asked about Arias’s overall courtroom presentation. “Jodi sits there at the defense tale looking like Wednesday Addams thinking about beheading her dolls. She gets this look in her eyes sometimes that just…I don’t want to think about it. It was probably the last thing the ex boyfriend saw.” If you think Arias was creepy at the defense table, you should have seen her on the witness stand. If, by some strange twist of fate, Arias is not convicted (that’s what we said about O.J., Robert Blake and Casey Anthony…shudder to think), she can always get work as Norman Bates’ stand-in on Bates Motel.

Conquering Her Fears

“That is one of the things I am scared of — guns and public speaking. That was one of the things [Travis Alexander] was trying to get me to do — get out of my comfort zone,” Arias told a Mesa, Arizona police detective in June 2008. Well, she’s not alone in her fear of public speaking (it’s frequently cited as a more common fear than death), but since Arias also shot ex boyfriend Alexander in addition to stabbing him 29 times (although some say it was only 27) maybe helping get her over her fear of guns wasn’t in his best interest. Also ironic? Alexander and Arias’ frequent discussions about the book 101 Things To Do Before You Die. As Mama Bravo put it: “Poor Alexander didn’t quite get to make it through the list.”

Let’s Talk About Sex Way Too Much In Disturbingly Graphic Detail, Baby

Oh, boy…Jodi Arias and victim Travis Alexander REALLY liked to talk about sex. I was a teenage boy once and I don’t think I ever obsessed about the subject nearly as much at the height of my hormone crazed youth. Although the majority of the content is far too NSFW for us to post here, please feel free to take a gander at the video above. There was lots of discussion about, er, how you say… the exact definition of intercourse and all the fun ways you can get around that technicality. What makes it all the more fun/disturbing is that the very sexually adventurous Alexander was a Mormon…and had Arias convert to the faith for him. I wonder just how the LDS community feels about their new, high profile member? “Probably fine,” Mama Bravo commented. “She only killed a guy, she didn’t gay marry anyone.”

Candid Camera!

“There’s a morbid curiosity. I mean, I am curious,” Arias told police when asked if she wanted to view the crime scene photos. The crime scene photos are widely available online (although out of respect for the victim we will not be linking them), but it gets even weirder: at the time of Alexander’s death, Arias actually had a camera in her possession that she allegedly dropped during the murder that took a photo of the victim’s final moments. That’s one Instagram photo we’ll pass on.

The Ninjas Did It!

Arias’ story changed several times when she was questioned by police. Although she now claims self-defense, for a short time she tried to claim that two intruders dressed like ninjas broke into Alexander’s home and murdered him. SERIOUSLY. People always blame the ninjas.

A Girl Likes to Look Her Best

Although the jury didn’t get to see the above video (the judge said it was too prejudicial), Arias asked if she could put on makeup before her mugshot and also did a handstand just minutes after a tearful interrogation from police. While we certainly understand that everyone has a little vanity (and that mugshots are sort of the ultimate modeling opportunity), this was just another example of how crazy this defendant and trial really are. I guess the lesson to be learned here is do your makeup before you get brought in for questioning by police. As Mama Bravo would say, “you never know.”

It’s On EBay

Did we mention that, when not stalking and killing ex boyfriends, Arias was something of an aspiring artist? The media went ape you-know-what when it came to light that, through outside friends, Arias was selling her courtroom drawings on eBay (including this Snow White with a black eye doodle). Fun! Since she hasn’t yet been convicted of killing Alexander, Arias is not subject to laws preventing criminals from profiting from their crimes: it’s reported she made over $1000 on eBay prior to the account being shut down in April. I mean, the art isn’t terrible, but where does one really hang an original Jodi Arias?

@jodiannarias

It was bound to happen. A first in the high profile trial world; Jodi Arias is on Twitter. Arias feeds tweets to her friend Donavan Bering via nightly jailhouse phone calls and then has them posted by Bering to Twitter. Among her most notorious tweets: “Those afflicted with Little Man’s Syndrome taint society’s perception of genuinely good men who happen to be vertically challenged” (an apparent dig at prosecutor Juan Martinez who cross examined her on the stand most of April). On an interesting side note: among the people @jodiannarias follows are Anderson Cooper (for her own press highlights?) and…wait for it…Donald Trump. When informed of this Mama Bravo simply stated, “I find that very appropriate.”