Love Actually: I actually have a lot of affection for this sappy and divisive British romance. But this particular plot line? Buddy, your best friend is right upstairs and this? This is his wife. I know many think this little cue card display is the sweetest thing. That he’s not asking anything of her, just closure. Me? I think it’s selfish. You have a crush on your best friend’s girl? Listen to The Cars. Write in your journal about it. Do not, I repeat, do not collage about it.

Overboard: The ending to this ’80s classic movie is pure romantic indulgence. Two attractive actors (who are in love in real life!), fling themselves off their respective sea crafts and swim towards each other, so swept away are they by their need to be together. But let’s take a step back and remember that while Goldie Hawn’s pampered princess character had amnesia, Kurt Russell, in some sort of ’80s homage to Taming Of The Shrew, duped her into thinking she was married to him. He revenge duped a brain damaged woman.

Titanic:  Alright, alright, the whole movie is a ridiculous spectacle. To apply logic would be folly. But, just for laughs, let’s remember that Jack had gotten Rose to safety. That she was on a lifeboat. And she jumped back on the sinking ship to what? TO WHAT? To drag him down, that’s what. And don’t even get me started on what happens once they get in the water. You know what’s romantic, Rose? Rolling your shapely bum over a bit so your heroic lover can share that raft/door/ornamental headboard with you. Oh did it capsize on your first try? TRY AGAIN. No dice? Then maybe you should consider taking turns in the freezing water. I’m just saying, surviving is more romantic than dying, no matter what Shakespeare wrote.

Grease:  Correct me if I’m wrong here: the take home message of Grease is “change everything about yourself and shimmy into some Lycra and you, too, might get your man!” Without a doubt, Olivia Newton-John looks lovely in Lycra. I got chills, etc. But the gesture here? It’s pretty ugly.

Beauty And The Beast: Any bookish young lady who grew up with this Disney tale probably swooned a little when The Beast presented Belle with a library. Rolling ladders! Plush armchairs! But all the leather bound classics in the world can’t hide the fact that the reason he gives her a library is to make the fact of her imprisonment more palatable. Yes yes, he nearly let your father rot and die in a dank cell, but, ooooo, the complete works of Proust!

Say Anything:  When this particular love scene pops up on “Most Romantic Movie Moments” lists, and it always does, the author inevitably includes the written equivalent of a nervous laugh. Usually it goes something like this, “My god, this is SO romantic. I mean, ha, it would be SUPER creepy, if it weren’t, like, SO ROMANTIC.” Yeah, no, folks: it’s super creepy. I love Lloyd Dobler. If I were Diane Court I would count myself awfully lucky to snare him. But if you break up with someone and they end up outside your window…at night…playing the song you lost your virginity to? I’m sorry, that’s just one shimmy up the drainpipe away from Edward Cullen mouth breathing in the corner while you sleep. Once again, I love Lloyd Dobler, I’m awfully glad he got the girl, but this business is over the line.

Twilight: Any Time Of The D*mn Day: Speaking of which, on the one hand this whole thing appalls me, on the other hand, these two simpletons deserve each other.  Have at it simpletons.

2012 was a banner year for literary adaptations. If we count comics (which, don’t worry geeks, we will), then the top 7 most profitable films last year were based on books. Not to mention the fact that half of the 2012 Best Picture nominees (Argo, Lincoln, Life of Pi, Les Misérables and Silver Linings Playbook) are also literary adaptations. So that’s both critical and popular success.  If it ain’t broke, why would Hollywood fix it? This year welcomes a whole new crop of page-to-screen properties. Given the success of both Twilight and The Hunger Games, it’s no surprise that this list includes many Young Adult novels. But mixed in among the teenaged witches, zombies and vampires, you’ll find some weightier material. A good adaptation is tricky but a great adaptation is nearly impossible. And while a filmmaker is at an advantage if he or she is working from a short story with the perfect amount of narrative meat and the right amount of room for poetic license (Brokeback Mountain, Shawshank Redemption, Memento), any filmmaker who can pull off a full-length novel has my utmost admiration and respect. Here are 20 upcoming movies based on books that’ll be sure to get your pages turning. I’ve left off sequels and retreads (The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and that recycled bit of Nicholas Sparks fluff). So, book worms, get excited for the year to come. Check it out (but read the book first).

Warm Bodies (February 1, 2013): This oddly warm-blooded zom-com based on Isaac Marion’s book is already out in theaters and shouldn’t really be on a list of “upcoming” films. But it is so surprisingly good I couldn’t ignore it. Directed by the great Jonathan Levine (50/50, The Wackness) and featuring a phenomenal cast, the off-beat premise of dead boy meets girl is more than you would expect from a zombie movie.

Beautiful Creatures (February 14th, 2013): This Southern Gothic Wiccan series seems poised to take up the Twilight mantel. There are four books in the series which means they could spin out, oh, at least seven movies. But if supernatural teenaged angst isn’t your thing, then don’t ignore the stellar adult cast buried under all the Bella/Edwardian shenanigans. Surely the presence of Emma Thompson, Jeremy Irons and Viola Davis lends this franchise some credibility.

Admission (March 22nd, 2013): The pairing of nerdy comic powerhouses Tina Fey and Paul Rudd is so delicious I’m amazed it hasn’t been done before. The book by Jean Hanff Korelitz has been called “brainy chick lit,” but I’d say it’s a little deeper that that categorization would suggest. The protagonist, Portia Nathan, isn’t exactly the Tina Fey we know and love from “30 Rock,” but she might go a long way towards filling that Liz Lemon-shaped hole in your heart.

The Company You Keep (April 5th, 2013): Neil Gordon’s tightly wound family drama and legal thriller is completely perfect for a Robert Redford project. Though Redford has a penchant for the political, he is at his best as a director when there are strong familial threads to explore (Ordinary People, A River Runs Through It). This is an unusual blend of the two genres and with an all-star cast including Susan Sarandon, Chris Cooper, Stanley Tucci, Julie Christie, Nick Nolte, Brit Marling, Shia LeBeouf and Redford himself, it’s almost too big to fail

Oblivion (April 19th, 2013): This Tom Cruise vehicle based on the comic book of the same name is a risky undertaking. Set in the future and on another planet, the movie will certainly be slick-looking. But given that the only other credit on director (and comic book co-author) Joseph Kosinski’s resume is the glossy but disappointing TRON: Legacy, I’m not sure there will be much substance underneath the shiny surfaces.

The Reluctant Fundamentalist (April 24th, 2013): Director Mira Nair (Monsoon Wedding, Vanity Fair) delivers what is, by all accounts, a very faithful adaptation of Mohsin Hamad’s examination of what it means to be a Pakistani-American in a post-9/11 world.

Pain & Gain (April 26th, 2013): Though not based on a book, this bombastic film from Michael Bay draws inspiration from a three part “Miami New Times” article about the body building scene and crime rings  in Florida. You can read the entire piece here, and I highly recommend that you do. It’s insane.

Oz The Great And Powerful (March 8th, 2013): Though this Sam Raimi film is ostensibly based on the works of L. Frank Baum, it looks to have about as much in common with his Oz books as Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland  did with the works of Lewis Carroll. It might be a sumptuous bit of CGI wizardry, but I’m afraid it will be sorely lacking in both heart and brains.

The Great Gatsby (May 10th, 2013): Baz Luhrmann’s hotly anticipated adaptation of the F. Scott Fitzgerald classic was originally slated to come out this past Christmas and was pushed back due to some budgetary issues and reshoots. Ever the style master, Luhrmann (Romeo + Juliet, Moulin Rouge) has delivered the perfect Jazz Age look.  While some may be put off by the anachronistic music he’s chosen for the film, a little hip-hip certainly didn’t hurt Django Unchained.

World War Z (June 21st, 2013): Max Brooks’ wildly popular zombie book should, at the very least, be fun to watch. It’ll be tricky, however, for even a veteran like director Marc Foster to capture  the unique “oral history” gimmick of the original book. It looks like he may not even try.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (August 23rd, 2013): Another contender for the Twilight throne, this first installment based on the insanely popular YA series lacks the actorly pedigree of Beautiful Creatures. Also, if the recent Mirror, Mirror is any indication, Lilly Collins is not a strong enough actress to build a franchise around. Then again…Kristen Stewart.

Serena (September 27th, 2013): Hot on the heels of their much lauded pairing in Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper will play a married couple in the 1920s. When Lawrence’s character discovers she can’t have children everything goes off the rails. Ron Rash’s extraordinarily violent book is an odd choice for these two, but I’m eager to see what they do with it.

Paranoia (October 4th, 2013): Another Wall Street “greed is good bad” drama in the vein of Arbitrage and Margin Call this is the lesser Hemsworth’s opportunity to step out of his brother’s god-like shadow.

The Seventh Son (October 18th, 2013): The siren song of the supernatural is so loud it’s even snared Julianne Moore. She’ll be chewing up the scenery as the villainous Mother Malkin in this 18th century adventure story.  The first in a series (honestly, what isn’t these days?), it tells the story of one young man’s attempt to defend his village.

Carrie (October 18th, 2013): If you’ve never read Stephen King’s classic novel, I strongly recommend it. And while the classic 1976 film wasn’t really in need of an update, the casting of Chloë Grace Moretz (aka “Hit-Girl”) as the bullied teen Carrie is inspired.

Romeo and Juliet (October 25th, 2013): So maybe you haven’t read King, but I certainly hope you’ve read this, one of Shakespeare’s most famous plays.  The 17 year-old Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit) is awfully close to the right age for young Juliet. With Damien Lewis (Homeland) playing her domineering father and Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl) taking on the role of her volatile cousin Tybalt, Verona is going to be full of familiar faces.

Ender’s Game (November 1st, 2013): Of all the films on this list, this one is likely to cause the most controversy. Ender’s Game is such a beloved sci-fi novel that it would be nearly impossible to adapt it in a way that would satisfy the millions of young men and women who grew up reading it.  But Asa Butterfield (Hugo) is excellent casting for young Ender and Juliet herself, Hailee Steinfeld, is a most excellent choice for Petra. As for Harrison Ford as Colonel Graff, well, that remains to be seen.

The Monuments Men (December 18th, 2013): The full title of this book The Monuments Men: Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves, and The Greatest Treasure Hunt In History will clue you in that this is basically Band of Brothers meets Ocean’s 11. Who better, then, to tell the story of  the special force of American and British museum directors, curators and art historians who risked their lives to prevent the Nazis from destroying thousands of years of culture than George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Matt Damon, Bill Murray and Cate Blanchett. It’s something you and your grandpa can enjoy.

Jack Ryan (December 25th, 2013): Chris Pine will be the fourth cinematic Jack Ryan (after Harrison Ford, Alec Baldwin and Ben Affleck). Not sure Tom Clancy’s Cold War super spy is the hero we’ve been clamoring for. But maybe he’s the one we deserve.

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty (December 25th, 2013): Finally, I am the most leery of this Ben Stiller-lead interpretation of James Thurber’s classic daydreamer Walter Mitty. Maybe it’s because the 1947 Danny Kaye film is so perfect or maybe it’s because Ben Stiller, of late, has demonstrated a hacky, ham-fisted touch when it comes to directing. Either way, I hope against hope that he manages to strike the perfect balance between sweetness and silliness. In the meantime, Topoketa, Topoketa, Topoketa, Topoketa…

And a few upcoming films to keep your eye on…

Winter’s Tale (TBA):

The Wolf Of Wall Street (TBA)

Horns (TBA)

Twelve Years A Slave (TBA)

The art of the TV theme song is somewhat of a dying one. The world no longer moves to the beat of just one drum and the era of a lengthy ditty played over shots of a photogenic cast is all but over. It’s no wonder, fewer and fewer people watch TV live and instead prefer to watch on a DVR or a computer where opening credits are easy enough to fast forward through. That being said, there are a few current TV themes that are definitely worth your notice. While they may not all have been written expressly for their shows, they are all performed by artists that have an impressive and enjoyable catalogue worth exploring. So if someone catches you with any of these nine songs on your playlists, don’t be embarrassed. They’re impossibly catchy.

Shameless– “The Luck You Got” by The High Strung
Everything about this delightfully depraved Showtime series is not safe for work. Oh yes, including the opening credits. But the theme song by the Detroit-based indie group The High Strung is good old fashioned fun. The High Strung may sound familiar to fans of “This American Life” for their episode titled “The Dewey Decibel System.” Check out another one of their tracks, the more sedate Standing At The Door Of Self-Discovery to see if The High Strung is more than a one hit wonder.

Justified– “Long Hard Times To Come” by Gangstagrass feat. T.O.N.E.-Z
There couldn’t be a better fit for the Kentucky neo-noir Justified than this rousing hick-hop song from Gangstagrass. Even author Elmore Leonard is a fan, crediting the group with doing “nothing short of creating a new form of music.” So slap on a Raylan Givens Stetson and wriggle into your tightest Wranglers; this track will make you feel both citified and countrified at the same time.

Community– “At Least It Was Here” by The 88
Cult-favorite Community may not be long for this world. Facing both the departure of series creator Dan Harmon and NBC scheduling woes, the future ain’t looking too bright. But we’ll always have this fun pop intro from indie rockers The 88.

Boardwalk Empire– “Straight Up And Down” by The Brian Jonestown Massacre
San Francisco’s own The Brian Jonestown Massacre provides the anachronistic opening music for HBO’s jazz age gangster drama. This psychedelic band has been around since the 1990s and were the subject of the fantastic 2004 documentary Dig!, so if you’re not already a groupie, you should get on that.

Parks & Recreation– “Theme For Parks & Recreation” by Gaby Moreno
The bright and brass-heavy theme for this NBC sitcom is just the tiniest slice of what Guatemalan singer-songwriter Gaby Moreno is capable of. If you listen to her great NPR desk concert, however, you’ll recognize some of the same infectious and fun beats.

Mad Men– “A Beautiful Mine” by RJD2
This sample-happy electronica DJ will both wind you up and cool you down. While the rest of RJD2′s work may not exactly set the existential Lucky Strikes and bourbon mood, you’d be hard-pressed to find a smoother groove than “Ghostwriter.”

Luther– “Paradise Circus” by Massive Attack
I know you know who Massive Attack is. I know you didn’t survive the 90s (or eight seasons of House) without having Teardrop branded on your brain. But in case you’ve never given the rest of their work a listen, here’s the theme to BBC’s bloody and satisfying mini-series.

Game Of Thrones– “The Rains Of Castamere” by The National
This one’s a bit of a cheat, of course. But if you’re the type who likes to sing along to the real opening credits to Game of Thrones, well, you’re in good company. I include this track from The National because it’s such a rare and perfect blend of indie modern music and timeless Westeros-friendly balladry. So satisfy your inner D&D nerd without losing a single iota of indie cred. Heck, The National even made this “Bob’s Burgers” Thanksgiving song sound hip.

New Girl– “Hey Girl” by Zooey Deschanel
If you’ve somehow managed to miss the fact that Fox “It Girl” Zooey Deschanel is an accomplished singer-songwriter, congratulations. That means you’ve also avoided walking into a Starbucks since early 2008. Deschanel is, of course, the lady half of the duo She & Him and her music has been heard on film soundtracks and in Cotton commercials alike. Some might find her whimsiquirkalicious brand of music too saccharine, but you can’t deny that, unlike most actresses, Deschanel has the pipes to give her passion project some credibility.