Sometimes, when I’m on public transportation, I see someone intriguing and think of what could be. We would at first engage in small talk, which would lead to flaking on our plans to visit a record store together and steal glances when the other isn’t looking and eventually argue over a street poet’s sincerity and hang out in a cemetery. I do this partly because being on public transportation is super boring, but mostly because of Richard Linklater’s 1995 film Before Sunrise, starring Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke. It’s everything we hopeless romantics cling to: the possibility that serendipity is on our sides and we will meet beautiful strangers throughout our lives and fall in love for a single day or a lifetime.

Because the original struck such a chord with people, there was a follow-up in 2004, Before Sunset, set in the city of love itself, Paris! That was such an unexpected gift that fans were too grateful to wish for anything more. And yet, here we are almost a decade later, with another offering, Before Midnight, set in Greece. Luckily for us San Franciscans, the film is being screened tonight as a part of the closing night of the SF International Film Festival! Sure, it’s short notice, but whatever else you have planned can be rescheduled or cancelled. To remind you of that wistful feeling these movies can give you and all the reasons why you must see this latest installment, I present you with these beautiful moments from the past two films.

Mothers’ Day is right around the corner, a day about finally remembering to return your mom’s phone calls and crafting bad macaroni art that expresses your appreciation for her. It’s also a day to remember those other women that helped mold you into the dazzling creature you have become. No, I’m not talking about your first grade teacher or your great grandmother (although I’m sure they’re really spectacular women); I’m talking about those fictional moms that made an impact through television or movies, the ones that you sometimes wished were your mom and the ones that made you thankful for your own. Here are the most frightening and most beloved fictional mothers in the history of forever.

THE FRIGHTENING

Joan Crawford: Mommie Dearest

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Joan Crawford isn’t technically a fictional character, but there is some dispute over how accurate her daughter’s depiction of her is so I say it counts (also, why would we forgo any opportunity to talk about Joan Crawford?). So we all know that Joan is not a huge fan of wire hangers(who is really?), but that’s the least of it. Crawford also ties her son to his bed, says “I’d rather you go bald to school than looking like a tramp!” while cutting off her daughter’s hair, says “YOU LOVE TO MAKE ME HIT YOU!” while slapping her daughter in front of a reporter, forces her daughter to stay at the dinner table overnight until she finishes her undercooked steak, and then leaves them both out of her will. Way harsh, Tai.

Margaret White: Carrie

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Some teens lock themselves in their rooms and write bad poetry about how absolutely horrible their mother is for grounding them or taking away phone privileges or whatever. These whiners obviously haven’t seen Carrie yet, a movie that makes most mothers look as gentle as Dumbo’s mom. Margaret White has a lot of opinions on what is suitable behavior for her daughter, Carrie. Let’s go over some of them: she should never wear red (that’s for hell-bound whores), she should only refer to her breasts as “dirty pillows,” she should think of pimples as “the Lord’s way of chastising you,” she should pray and ask forgiveness for her sinful period, she should be cool with getting tea thrown in her face, and she should heed the mantra: “They’re all going to laugh at you!” It’s enough to make anyone become a pyromaniac murderer!

Mary Jones: Precious

While there’s a degree of campy comedy to Joan Crawford and Margaret White, there’s nothing funny about Mary Jones (except maybe this genius creation). Not only does she facilitate her daughter’s sexual abuse, Mary also mentally abuses her and tries to drop a television on her head. The only capable person to negotiate a train wreck like that is a social worker played by Mariah Carey.

Betty Draper: Mad Men

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Remember that time when you were a real brat during your puberty era? Well, Betty Draper seems to have gotten stuck there. She’s petulant, self-involved, and never satisfied, all characteristics that keep her from being a good mother. Like when Sally showed up wearing a plastic dry cleaning bag over her head and Betty warned that the clothes better not be in a pile somewhere. Or when she told Bobby to go bang his head against a wall after he said he was bored. Or when she dragged Sally into a closet and locked her inside (“You’re hurting me!” “Good!”). You get the picture.

THE BELOVED

Clair Huxtable: The Cosby Show

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Before Beyonce had the trademark on being perfect, it was all Clair Huxtable, a tough, yet elegant lawyer and mother of five children. While Bill Cosby believes he holds the power in the household, it’s usually Clair who gets to the bottom of things with a lecture about why you can’t just run off to Baltimore without permission or a perfect lesson on feminism (if you only click on one link for the rest of your life, let it be this one).

Molly Weasley: Harry Potter

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The epitome of a mother hen, Molly Weasley is an encouraging, doting mother, who loves to make everyone feel at ease, despite, you know, the world possibly ending and everyone dropping dead and all of that jazz. But that doesn’t mean she’s just a domestic goddess; she will kill your ass if you threaten one of her children (see animated gif above).

Lorelai Gilmore: Gilmore Girls

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Best fictional mom? Duh. Best fictional TV character ever? Quite possibly! Lorelai Gilmore is an impressive mom for more reasons than I can get into at the moment, but here are a few:

• named her daughter after herself because a. men do it all the time and b. why not?
• left a life of privilege with a baby in tow at the age of 16 and worked her way up from a maid at an inn to running the joint.
• put aside her pride and made a deal with her estranged parents to send her daughter to a good prep school.
• provided a sanctuary away from a scary religious Korean mother for her daughter’s best friend.
• sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Middler instead of getting upset after finding out her underage daughter attended a kegger and was the cause of severe property damage.
• did not kill her daughter when she dropped out of college and stole a boat.

But the best way to sum up the greatness of Lorelai Gilmore (apart from rewatching the entire series every year which I totally do) is through her daughter’s valedictorian speech (grab a tissue!):

SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN

Queen Mother: Alien

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Take Molly Weasley’s protective vibe and multiply it by 7000 (plus buckets of slime saliva) and you get the Queen Mother from Alien. Sure, she’s frightening and monstrous and mutilates everyone who crosses her path, but she has her reasons! They pose a risk to her babies and she is not having any of that. No one said being maternal was always pretty.

Lucille Bluth: Arrested Development

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Sure, she has a pill problem and drinks before most people wake up in the morning and is real about not particularly liking some of her children, but somehow all of that doesn’t keep us from falling in love with Lucille every time she’s on screen. Maybe she’s not one to help you with your geometry homework or pack you a healthy, well-balanced lunch, but you should really be doing that for yourself anyway. Cheers and winks to this wonderful woman!

And there you have it, ladies and gentleman! Which fictional moms would make your list? And when are you going to call your mom? (Answer: right now).

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On a recent trip back to the East to visit my family, I made them buy a huge recycling bin and educated them on the importance of not throwing styrofoam containers out of the car window on the highway (no, really) and instead treating our planet with respect. Sure, living in San Francisco for almost seven years has definitely turned me into more of a hippie than I was upon arrival (I chant in yoga and have been known to keep browning banana skins and other organic detritus in my bag until I can deposit them in my bin at home), but the foundation of my Mother Earth-loving self was not born here, but in front of Nickelodeon in the early ’90s.

That’s where I met Z.Z. Ziff of Salute Your Shorts, a short-lived show about various trouble-making teens and their obnoxious counselor “Ug” at a summer camp called Camp Anawanna. There was the ginger bully and his dim sidekick, the All-American boy, the geek, the primadonna, the sporty girl, a Rilo Kiley member, and, last but certainly not least, the animal-loving, tree-hugging environmentalist. While the other kids were giving into greed or jealousy or whatever other silly thing middle schoolers are into, Z.Z., with her Earth earrings and naive idealism was always the voice of reason. And never moreso than in the season one finale, “Environmental Party,” in which she attempts to educate her peers about the irreparable damage humans are doing to our fragile planet. At first, she goes the enraged activist route, shutting off the power and water to send a message to her blow-drying, long-shower-taking room mates. She also turns their room into a recycling center. This does not go over well and she is asked: “Are you out of your granola-munching, whole-wheat, tie-dyed save-the-planet mind?!” Um, rude!

Z.Z.’s second approach is better: a catchy song about environmentalism! Sample lyric: “If we don’t change the way we live, we’ll be covered in PUKE AND ROTTING GARBAGE! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!” Despite being the best thing ever written (sorry, Marcel Proust), the kids think she’s insane and end up food-fighting and moshing ’cause why the hell not?

Eventually, with the help of a Greek trash collector so stereotypical that his last name is Spanakopita and he randomly exclaims Opa! for no reason (Tourette’s?), Z.Z. gets through to her friends by informing them that they can actually make money from recycling! Being Americans, they respond well to this and, after some soul-searching, come to realize that Z.Z. is not crazy just because she cares about something.

So, in honor of Earth Day, consider shedding your litter bug ways and being more like Z.Z. Ziff. If you happen to write an enraged compost-related song, please send it to me so it can keep “Puke and Rotting Garbage” company on my Love Me Some Gaia playlist. Oh, and you can watch this entire life-defining episode here! You’re welcome.

At the tender age of 15, Mandy burst onto the scene in a totally hip lime green VW bug in the music video for her first single, “Candy.” She was too young to actually drive the vehicle so they had to rig it to a truck. Aww!

 

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She plays another Bible lover in 2004′s Saved, but, this time, she’s evil and likes to throw scripture at atheists and will shoot anyone who tries to have sex with her before marriage in the penis.

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She then took part in the only photoshoot that matters, alongside Amanda Bynes, the Olsens, and Hilary Duff. Also: Props to whomever, like, wrote the copy for this cover.

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Mandy eventually transitioned to television with stints on shows like Entourage and Scrubs. Apparently, her character in the latter series didn’t care for being upstaged by inflatable breasts.

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Nowadays, Mandy splits her time between making music and movies, being randomly married to Ryan Adams, and looking smoking at fashion weeks around the globe. May she never stop being on the outermost periphery of our cultural knowledge!

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The only way to bring this post to an end is with a foot salute. Bye!

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First things first. If you are here to deride AD in any way or claim that some other show is actually funnier or smarter or whatever. I have four words for you:

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Okay, now that those losers are gone, we can get down to business.

The hasty cancellation of this dearly beloved show left us feeling lost and questioning everything. Maybe you cut off all your hair or went on a hunger strike. Or maybe you just walked around like this for a while:

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Or tried to wash away your tears:

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Or tried to get a petition going:

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Before giving up entirely:

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Eventually, your depression turned to RAGE:

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You soon thereafter realized that rage is best served on the rocks. Your newfound alcoholism scared children everywhere:

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You eventually kicked the habit, but sobriety wasn’t the easiest transition:

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But it wasn’t too long before you found happiness again in some of your old hobbies:

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And, despite it once seeming impossible, you managed to move on and be happy!

And then, years later, a miracle! Netflix decided to bless the entire internet by picking up another season out of the blue!

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So now we wait for our high holiday. When May 26 finally does come to pass, do not feel bad about staying in and rejecting all visitors or invitations (unless they involve delivery pizza):

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And, when your friends ask why you don’t just space the episodes out or your boss asks why you didn’t show up for work on Tuesday, just say:

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Only 50 days to go!!!

This week is a historical one for LGBT Americans, as two high-profile cases (one dealing with California’s Proposition 8 and the other with the Defense of Marriage Act) have reached the Supreme Court’s steps. If you are after the facts and analysis of the court proceedings, KQED News has you covered. If you’re looking for light-hearted highlights from the audio transcripts, then you’re in the right place! Listen below to Kagan explaining menopause, Scalia reciting Destiny’s Child lyrics, and so much more!

It’s a good thing that women are on the panel these days. Who else would school white dudes about the whole menopause = no more babies thing?

Ted Olsen is the conservative lawyer who we can thank for convincing the Supreme Court that George W. Bush was actually elected back in 2000. And that’s probably ’cause he’s a charmer. It wasn’t more than a minute at the podium before he said something cute that got everyone laughing.

Scalia is known for his temper and there’s a reason for that. In this exchange, Ted Olsen dares to answer one of Scalia’s questions with a question of his own. Ding ding, grab the popcorn!

Justice Roberts has a really soothing voice, even when he’s scolding.

Justice Alito is really hip. He measures things temporally in regards to cell phones and the internet! I do the same thing with Talkboys and Tumblr. Also of note: Alito doesn’t believe in psychics.

You know that moment when you’re in class and your teacher calls on you, but you haven’t done the homework so you just take a really long time saying stuff so you can think of a way to BS out of it, which either leads your teacher to give up or just tell you the answer? Yeah. Listen to Justice Ginsburg school Cooper, the lawyer for Prop 8 proponents.

A seemingly nonsensical argument gives Justice Kennedy “intellectual whiplash.”

Justice Scalia a.) doesn’t understand your answer, b.) doesn’t care if things work, c.) likes to menacingly lean into his mic, and d.) recite lyrics from Destiny’s Child’s first single “No No No.”

An interesting analogy proves that Justice Ginsburg does not care for skim milk and is a poet.

Justice Sotomayor lets you know, if you didn’t already, that Scalia does not care what you think.

San Francisco’s own Justice Breyer is a boss.

Justice Roberts’ version of Kanye’s “I’mma let you finish, but Beyonce had the best music video of all time!”

What other instances of this meme have you seen around? Leave them in the comments!