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We designed this activity at the school’s annual spaghetti dinner to encourage conversation among caregivers and students about \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/63184/when-parents-know-these-4-phases-of-friendship-they-can-help-their-child-make-friends-more-easily\">healthy friendships\u003c/a>. “This was an opportunity for the boys to practice social skills and for parents to model being honest and vulnerable,” Diaz continued.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At a time when \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34898234/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">rates of loneliness\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are rising among young adults and researchers report that 15- to 24-year-olds spend nearly \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">70% less time\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> socializing in-person with friends than they did two decades ago, boys face some distinct challenges.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">For instance, in their 2021 report, “\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.boyhoodinitiative.org/sites/default/files/2023-06/State-of-American-Boys-Report.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The State of America’s Boys: An Urgent Case for a More Connected Boyhood\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">,” researchers Michael Reichert and Joseph Derrick Nelson note that boys feel \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57024/for-adolescent-boys-maintaining-masculinity-can-stymie-genuine-connections\">pressure to conform to societal expectations about masculinity\u003c/a>, such as being stoic, dominant and competitive. That may help explain why boys are more likely to experience physical and verbal bullying and why they’re less academically engaged than girls.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Here are six ways \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/54878/how-strengthening-relationships-with-boys-can-help-them-learn\">educators can help boys\u003c/a> acquire the skills and traits they need to strengthen their relationships and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">thrive at school\u003c/a>.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>1. Connect the dots between self-regulation and reputation \u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Boys can turn off peers by calling out in class or elbowing a classmate. To \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/53132/concrete-ways-to-help-students-self-regulate-and-prioritize-work\">help them self-regulate\u003c/a>, Diaz prompts boys to consider questions such as, “Can I sit next to someone whose presence calms me down?” and “Can I write down any questions I have before raising my hand?”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://news.fullerton.edu/press-release/child-development-expert-why-boys-are-falling-behind-in-education/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Ioakim Boutakidis\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, professor of child and adolescent studies at California State University, Fullerton, notes that t\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">he self-regulatory components of the brain aren’t integrated as quickly in boys as in girls\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, and “boys \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">that have a harder time picking up on social cues are often the most aggressive because they misinterpret accidental gestures as malicious intent.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Scripts are created,” Boutakidis said, and students pick up on teachers’ attitudes toward students, too. To help repair a struggling student’s reputation, try to set them up for success and praise them publicly.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>2. Distinguish between “funny, mean and in-between” comments\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Boys are more likely to make a comment like, “‘You’re such an idiot; I can’t believe I hang out with you’ – said while smiling and patting them on the back,” said \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/mitchprinstein\">Mitch Prinstein\u003c/a>, chief s\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">cience officer for the American Psychological Association\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. “It’s a way to express vulnerability but also be dominant.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Joking can be misinterpreted and lead to fights,” added \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.mrhealthteacher.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Christopher Pepper\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a teacher who coordinates boys’ groups in San Francisco Public Schools. \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">He encourages boys to “lean into sincerity rather than hide behind ‘can’t you take a joke?’” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/ryanwexelblatt\">Ryan Wexelblatt\u003c/a>, the director of ADHD Dude, which offers in-person \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.adhddude.com/social-programs\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">social skills programs\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> for boys in Tucson, Arizona, teaches boys that there are some things you shouldn’t joke about, such as\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> physical appearance and race.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When I teach health and wellness in schools, I have students act out comments like “Oh, you got a haircut” or “We already have enough players on our team,” then determine whether it’s “nice, mean or in-between.” They quickly realize that the same comment can be perceived as mean or inoffensive depending on someone’s word choice, tone and past interactions with you.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb style=\"font-size: 24px\">3. Provide structured social opportunities \u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Adults have to take responsibility for creating structured engagement with young folks,” said \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/darylhowardphd\">Daryl Howard\u003c/a>, director of the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://bondeducators.org/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Building Our Network of Diversity (BOND) Project\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and chair of the Maryland department of education’s \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://marylandpublicschools.org/programs/Pages/AAEEBB/index.aspx\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Advisory Council on Achieving Academic Equity and Excellence for Black Boys\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When Howard facilitates BOND boys groups, he starts each session with a community circle “so no one can sit by themselves or play on devices.” The boys introduce themselves and share a personal update, with the goal of helping them find connection points so they can interact more comfortably on their own, he explained.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At Sterling Hall, a boys school in Toronto, Ontario, students can join a group tailored to their needs or sign up to eat lunch with a “mystery teacher,” said Catriona Gallienne, the school’s director of student success. All students start the day with a 30-minute period designated for social-emotional learning, such as an assembly, health class or community circles.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">During circle time, boys might talk about a challenge at home or express frustration over how teams are picked at recess, said Rick Parsons, principal of Sterling Hall. “Inevitably, someone will validate their experience or share, ‘This is what happened to me.’” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The circles normalize boys’ experiences and combat harmful stereotypes about needing to “go it alone,” said Andrew Reiner, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.harpercollins.com/products/better-boys-better-men-andrew-reiner\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. “They see that they not only have permission to open up, but it’s going to be met with support.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>4. Help boys socialize informally\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Boys who feel awkward might opt out of recess, lunch and other unstructured social time. To ease their discomfort, schools can add Spikeball games or extra balls to outdoor areas, designate a board game table in the cafeteria, or hold chess club meetings during lunch.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“I tell elementary schools, ‘have a Lego cart outside,’ but some \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60253/play-is-crucial-for-middle-schoolers-too\">teenagers like that too\u003c/a>,” said \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/katiefhurley\">Katie Hurley\u003c/a>, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">a child and adolescent psychotherapist and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://jedfoundation.org/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Jed Foundation’s\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> senior clinical adviser for external affairs.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">View spaces with an eye to optimizing interaction. For instance, Hurley visited a school where students gather on couches in the hallway.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>5. Recognize that some boys need more help\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some students may need more help understanding the unwritten rules of socializing, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61966/how-parents-can-help-children-with-adhd-thrive-in-friendships\">including boys with ADHD\u003c/a>. “Some kids with an inattentive profile are what I call the stick collectors,” Wexelblatt said. “They get caught up in their own world and walk around the perimeter collecting sticks.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Boys with an impulsive profile can be more emotionally reactive, he said. “They might think they’re being bullied, but other kids find them controlling or just don’t want to do what they’re doing.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Praise boys for being flexible or showing interest in peers’ ideas. Diaz prompts students to ponder questions such as\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, “How close do you stand to someone? How do you ask a question? What’s okay to ask?” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>6. Make caring for others a shared responsibility\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At Sterling Hall, Parsons said, educators have a saying: “Big boys look out for themselves; bigger boys look out for others.” To that end, older students mentor younger students, and eighth-grade boys partner with younger students to paint a buddy bench on the playground. If a student has no one to play with, they sit on the buddy bench.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Every boy is responsible for making sure no one is sitting on the buddy bench,” Parsons explained, adding that no one sits there for more than 60 seconds. As he noted, “boys want to be leaders, to be good, to look out for others and to get affirmation for that. Belonging is everything.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://phyllisfagell.com/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Phyllis L. Fagell\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a licensed clinical professional counselor and professional school counselor, is the author of \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/phyllis-l-fagell/middle-school-matters/9780738235080/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Middle School Matters\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/phyllis-l-fagell/middle-school-superpowers/9780306829758/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Young adults spend nearly 70% less time socializing in-person with friends than they did two decades ago, and boys face some distinct challenges.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1712151777,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":29,"wordCount":1360},"headData":{"title":"6 Ways Educators Can Bolster Boys’ Social Skills | KQED","description":"Young adults spend nearly 70% less time socializing in-person with friends than they did two decades ago, and boys face some distinct challenges.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"Young adults spend nearly 70% less time socializing in-person with friends than they did two decades ago, and boys face some distinct challenges."},"sticky":false,"nprByline":"Phyllis L. Fagell","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/63456/6-ways-educators-can-bolster-boys-social-skills","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">On a Thursday evening in January, parents sat at cafeteria tables with sixth-graders, eating pasta and discussing scripted questions, including “How does someone earn your trust?” and “What makes a good friend?” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“So many boys describe feelings of loneliness, of having friends but longing for someone they can confide in about hard feelings,” said Adam Diaz, a school counselor and my colleague at Landon School, an independent boys school in Bethesda, Maryland. We designed this activity at the school’s annual spaghetti dinner to encourage conversation among caregivers and students about \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/63184/when-parents-know-these-4-phases-of-friendship-they-can-help-their-child-make-friends-more-easily\">healthy friendships\u003c/a>. “This was an opportunity for the boys to practice social skills and for parents to model being honest and vulnerable,” Diaz continued.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At a time when \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34898234/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">rates of loneliness\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are rising among young adults and researchers report that 15- to 24-year-olds spend nearly \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">70% less time\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> socializing in-person with friends than they did two decades ago, boys face some distinct challenges.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">For instance, in their 2021 report, “\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.boyhoodinitiative.org/sites/default/files/2023-06/State-of-American-Boys-Report.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The State of America’s Boys: An Urgent Case for a More Connected Boyhood\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">,” researchers Michael Reichert and Joseph Derrick Nelson note that boys feel \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57024/for-adolescent-boys-maintaining-masculinity-can-stymie-genuine-connections\">pressure to conform to societal expectations about masculinity\u003c/a>, such as being stoic, dominant and competitive. That may help explain why boys are more likely to experience physical and verbal bullying and why they’re less academically engaged than girls.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Here are six ways \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/54878/how-strengthening-relationships-with-boys-can-help-them-learn\">educators can help boys\u003c/a> acquire the skills and traits they need to strengthen their relationships and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">thrive at school\u003c/a>.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>1. Connect the dots between self-regulation and reputation \u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Boys can turn off peers by calling out in class or elbowing a classmate. To \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/53132/concrete-ways-to-help-students-self-regulate-and-prioritize-work\">help them self-regulate\u003c/a>, Diaz prompts boys to consider questions such as, “Can I sit next to someone whose presence calms me down?” and “Can I write down any questions I have before raising my hand?”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://news.fullerton.edu/press-release/child-development-expert-why-boys-are-falling-behind-in-education/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Ioakim Boutakidis\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, professor of child and adolescent studies at California State University, Fullerton, notes that t\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">he self-regulatory components of the brain aren’t integrated as quickly in boys as in girls\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, and “boys \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">that have a harder time picking up on social cues are often the most aggressive because they misinterpret accidental gestures as malicious intent.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Scripts are created,” Boutakidis said, and students pick up on teachers’ attitudes toward students, too. To help repair a struggling student’s reputation, try to set them up for success and praise them publicly.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>2. Distinguish between “funny, mean and in-between” comments\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Boys are more likely to make a comment like, “‘You’re such an idiot; I can’t believe I hang out with you’ – said while smiling and patting them on the back,” said \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/mitchprinstein\">Mitch Prinstein\u003c/a>, chief s\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">cience officer for the American Psychological Association\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. “It’s a way to express vulnerability but also be dominant.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Joking can be misinterpreted and lead to fights,” added \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.mrhealthteacher.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Christopher Pepper\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a teacher who coordinates boys’ groups in San Francisco Public Schools. \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">He encourages boys to “lean into sincerity rather than hide behind ‘can’t you take a joke?’” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/ryanwexelblatt\">Ryan Wexelblatt\u003c/a>, the director of ADHD Dude, which offers in-person \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.adhddude.com/social-programs\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">social skills programs\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> for boys in Tucson, Arizona, teaches boys that there are some things you shouldn’t joke about, such as\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> physical appearance and race.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When I teach health and wellness in schools, I have students act out comments like “Oh, you got a haircut” or “We already have enough players on our team,” then determine whether it’s “nice, mean or in-between.” They quickly realize that the same comment can be perceived as mean or inoffensive depending on someone’s word choice, tone and past interactions with you.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb style=\"font-size: 24px\">3. Provide structured social opportunities \u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Adults have to take responsibility for creating structured engagement with young folks,” said \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/darylhowardphd\">Daryl Howard\u003c/a>, director of the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://bondeducators.org/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Building Our Network of Diversity (BOND) Project\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and chair of the Maryland department of education’s \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://marylandpublicschools.org/programs/Pages/AAEEBB/index.aspx\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Advisory Council on Achieving Academic Equity and Excellence for Black Boys\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When Howard facilitates BOND boys groups, he starts each session with a community circle “so no one can sit by themselves or play on devices.” The boys introduce themselves and share a personal update, with the goal of helping them find connection points so they can interact more comfortably on their own, he explained.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At Sterling Hall, a boys school in Toronto, Ontario, students can join a group tailored to their needs or sign up to eat lunch with a “mystery teacher,” said Catriona Gallienne, the school’s director of student success. All students start the day with a 30-minute period designated for social-emotional learning, such as an assembly, health class or community circles.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">During circle time, boys might talk about a challenge at home or express frustration over how teams are picked at recess, said Rick Parsons, principal of Sterling Hall. “Inevitably, someone will validate their experience or share, ‘This is what happened to me.’” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The circles normalize boys’ experiences and combat harmful stereotypes about needing to “go it alone,” said Andrew Reiner, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.harpercollins.com/products/better-boys-better-men-andrew-reiner\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. “They see that they not only have permission to open up, but it’s going to be met with support.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>4. Help boys socialize informally\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Boys who feel awkward might opt out of recess, lunch and other unstructured social time. To ease their discomfort, schools can add Spikeball games or extra balls to outdoor areas, designate a board game table in the cafeteria, or hold chess club meetings during lunch.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“I tell elementary schools, ‘have a Lego cart outside,’ but some \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60253/play-is-crucial-for-middle-schoolers-too\">teenagers like that too\u003c/a>,” said \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/katiefhurley\">Katie Hurley\u003c/a>, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">a child and adolescent psychotherapist and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://jedfoundation.org/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Jed Foundation’s\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> senior clinical adviser for external affairs.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">View spaces with an eye to optimizing interaction. For instance, Hurley visited a school where students gather on couches in the hallway.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>5. Recognize that some boys need more help\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some students may need more help understanding the unwritten rules of socializing, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61966/how-parents-can-help-children-with-adhd-thrive-in-friendships\">including boys with ADHD\u003c/a>. “Some kids with an inattentive profile are what I call the stick collectors,” Wexelblatt said. “They get caught up in their own world and walk around the perimeter collecting sticks.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Boys with an impulsive profile can be more emotionally reactive, he said. “They might think they’re being bullied, but other kids find them controlling or just don’t want to do what they’re doing.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Praise boys for being flexible or showing interest in peers’ ideas. Diaz prompts students to ponder questions such as\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, “How close do you stand to someone? How do you ask a question? What’s okay to ask?” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>6. Make caring for others a shared responsibility\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At Sterling Hall, Parsons said, educators have a saying: “Big boys look out for themselves; bigger boys look out for others.” To that end, older students mentor younger students, and eighth-grade boys partner with younger students to paint a buddy bench on the playground. If a student has no one to play with, they sit on the buddy bench.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Every boy is responsible for making sure no one is sitting on the buddy bench,” Parsons explained, adding that no one sits there for more than 60 seconds. As he noted, “boys want to be leaders, to be good, to look out for others and to get affirmation for that. Belonging is everything.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://phyllisfagell.com/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Phyllis L. Fagell\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a licensed clinical professional counselor and professional school counselor, is the author of \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/phyllis-l-fagell/middle-school-matters/9780738235080/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Middle School Matters\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/phyllis-l-fagell/middle-school-superpowers/9780306829758/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/63456/6-ways-educators-can-bolster-boys-social-skills","authors":["byline_mindshift_63456"],"categories":["mindshift_21445","mindshift_194","mindshift_21385","mindshift_193"],"tags":["mindshift_20698","mindshift_21336","mindshift_20568","mindshift_21252","mindshift_943"],"featImg":"mindshift_63458","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_63184":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_63184","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"63184","score":null,"sort":[1709636433000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"when-parents-know-these-4-phases-of-friendship-they-can-help-their-child-make-friends-more-easily","title":"When Parents Know These 4 phases of Friendship, They Can Help Their Child Make Friends More Easily","publishDate":1709636433,"format":"standard","headTitle":"When Parents Know These 4 phases of Friendship, They Can Help Their Child Make Friends More Easily | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cem>Excerpted from \u003ca href=\"https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/dr-stephen-nowicki/raising-a-socially-successful-child/9780316516471/\">Raising a Socially Successful Child\u003c/a> by Stephen Nowicki. Copyright © 2024 by Stephen Nowicki. Used with permission of Little, Brown Spark, an imprint of Little, Brown and Company. New York, NY. All rights reserved.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When your child is younger, you as a parent have a lot of control over his social life, selecting whom he should interact with, the length of the interaction and where the interaction takes place. That changes when your child reaches school age. Suddenly, these decisions — with whom to be friends, how much time to spend with a friend and how to spend that time together — are made largely on his own (though teachers may also play an important role). School is a place where children \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">can begin to form rewarding friendships\u003c/a>, but it is also a place where children \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57010/how-understanding-middle-school-friendships-can-help-students\">can experience rejection and isolation\u003c/a>, often because of nonverbal messages they are unwittingly sending and erroneously reading.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-63188 alignleft\" src=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-800x1238.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"230\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-800x1238.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-1020x1579.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-160x248.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-768x1189.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-992x1536.jpg 992w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-1323x2048.jpg 1323w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-scaled.jpg 1654w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 230px) 100vw, 230px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From the late childhood phase on, any friendship a child forms follows a pattern. And this sequence, which my colleague Marshall Duke and I first codified back in the 1980s, provides a template for the relationships those children will form as adults: children \u003cem>choose \u003c/em>a likely candidate for friendship, they \u003cem>initiate\u003c/em> the relationship, they \u003cem>deepen \u003c/em>the relationship and lastly, they go through a relationship \u003cem>transition \u003c/em>when the social occasion, school day, week, semester or year ends. Each of these phases of the relationship requires the use of nonverbal and verbal language skills — but some skills play a more important role in certain phases than in others. Understanding the patterns by which late childhood friendships form and develop can help you identify where your child is doing well and where he may need to learn more in order to connect meaningfully with others.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>1. Choosing\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>The choice phase is where every relationship begins. Research shows that a child’s decision about whom he’s going to befriend usually takes place in a matter of seconds. This means that children are using information gathered from nonverbal cues in clothing, facial expressions and posture to decide to approach another child.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ideally, when parents of very young children make these choices for them, they will share the reasons for their choices with their children. For example, when \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61966/how-parents-can-help-children-with-adhd-thrive-in-friendships\">inviting a child for a playdate\u003c/a>, the parent could say something like, “I think you are going to have a good time with Ravi. She always listens to me and shares her playthings with you.” Not only does this sharing of information help children understand their parents’ choices, but it also tells the children what is expected of them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By the time your child reaches school age, then, he should already have some sense of how to choose a friend. You can imagine him faced with a schoolyard filled with children he doesn’t know on the first day of school. He wants to find someone to play with. Over to his left, a few boys are playing ball and a ball comes loose and rolls toward him. A boy in a Green Bay Packers cap runs after the ball, picks it up and smiles. In that friendly smile, your child senses an invitation. He smiles back and begins walking toward the boy wearing the Packers cap. He has chosen to make a new friend.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>2. Initiating\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>The initiation phase is what happens next. Your child follows his new friend as he joins the three other boys playing ball. He waits until there’s a break in what is going on. “Hi,” he says with a smile. “Can I join in?” The other boys introduce themselves quickly and your child says, “I’m a Packer Backer too. I’ve got a Packers cap at home. I’ll wear it tomorrow.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The boy with the Packers cap says, “Remember when they won that game when it was a million degrees below zero?” Your child excitedly comments about how the field was like ice, and soon there are five boys happily playing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For a five-year-old meeting new peers for the first time on a playground, even a seemingly simple interaction like this one is a difficult task involving both nonverbal and verbal behaviors: Your child waited patiently and, sensing the rhythm of the game, chose the right moment to cut in. He didn’t intrude on their game, showing his respect for their personal space. When he did introduce himself, he smiled warmly and made eye contact. Then he made “small talk” before he asked to join in. I think we all can imagine many ways that the interaction could have gone much less successfully than it did.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The initiation phase is when the real give-and-take of social information through nonverbal and verbal channels gets under way. Your child is in uncharted relationship waters now. For the first time, he is running his own show and it is up to him to get this potential relationship off to a successful start.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>3. Deepening\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Over time, if all goes well, your child’s friendships will deepen in ways that would have been all but impossible in the earlier phases of development, in which friendships are usually fleeting and revolve around a shared activity. Hallmarks of a deepening relationship include trust, self- disclosure, acceptance and mutual understanding. As C. S. Lewis put it: Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The process of deepening a friendship involves a lot of give- and- take, much of it nonverbal; when one person speaks, the other responds not only through their words but through facial expressions, body language and tone of voice as well. Your child will disclose something about himself, then look to his friend to gauge the reaction. If the friend nods, smiles or makes encouraging gestures, your child will know to keep going. As children spend more and more time together, they become increasingly attuned to the nonverbal cues that communicate what the other is thinking or feeling. They begin to inhabit the same physical space and share the same rhythms and can often be seen hugging or walking arm in arm, with smiles on their faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>4. Transitioning\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>While deepening a relationship can be hard work for some kids, virtually all children will struggle with \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61082/how-grown-ups-can-help-kids-transition-to-post-pandemic-school-life\">handling relationship transitions positively\u003c/a>. In late childhood, these transitions happen more often than you may be aware: at the end of the school day or a playdate, for example. Sometimes the transition is more intense, such as the end of the school year or the Little League season or the last day of camp. Other times a transition in a friendship happens when a child has to move to a new town or school. And of course, there are times when one or both children actively decide not to continue the friendship, whether it’s over some fight or disagreement or the friendship simply having run its course.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Although transitions can sometimes be painful, it’s important to remember that each transition can also be a new beginning. Even as adults, transitions can make us uncomfortable, so we often rush through them as quickly as possible, without considering the unique information the experience can offer us.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Picture two ten-year-old girls, Gina and Ilana, on the last day of school. These friends sat next to each other during class for the whole school year because their last names both begin with \u003cem>M. \u003c/em>While not “best-best friends,” their bond has deepened over the course of the school year, and they are sad they probably won’t see much of each other over the summer. As they clean out their desks, they talk about the past school year. They remember how they were so shy with each other at first. They reminisce about the science fair, field day and other memorable events leading up to this the final day of school. Not all the times were fun, though, they admit. There were disagreements, and they both remember a particularly bad one during field day, when Ilana didn’t choose Gina for her team.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When their desks are cleaned out and have passed the teacher’s inspection, it’s time to leave. Each girl reaches sheepishly into her book bag and retrieves the present that they bought for the other. They hold hands as they walk out to their separate school buses. It’s time to part ways. Usually, their exchanges with each other are lively, but today they are much quieter and more subdued, which makes their goodbye hugs more meaningful. In hushed tones, they tell each other to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61888/4-parenting-priorities-to-prevent-mental-health-summer-slide\">have a good summer\u003c/a>. Transitioning is the point in the life of a relationship when you can help your child look back and see discernable patterns in how the relationship developed. Reflecting how she chose, began and deepened her ties with another person can yield valuable lessons that can be applied to the next set of relationships. And the more complex and important the relationship, the more she can learn from it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-63187\" src=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/fcB04_7m-160x240.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"160\" height=\"240\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/fcB04_7m-160x240.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/fcB04_7m.jpg 576w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003cem>Stephen Nowicki is the Charles Howard Candler Professor of Psychology Emeritus at Emory University, where he has served as director of clinical training, head of the psychological center and head of the counseling center. Nowicki maintains an active clinical practice as a diplomate in psychology.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Childhood friendships involve four distinct phases: choosing, initiating, deepening and transitioning. Each phase plays a role in the development of social connections.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1712104667,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":20,"wordCount":1606},"headData":{"title":"When Parents Know These 4 phases of Friendship, They Can Help Their Child Make Friends More Easily | KQED","description":"Choosing, initiating, deepening and transitioning — each of these phases plays a role in the development of social connections.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"Choosing, initiating, deepening and transitioning — each of these phases plays a role in the development of social connections."},"sticky":false,"excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/63184/when-parents-know-these-4-phases-of-friendship-they-can-help-their-child-make-friends-more-easily","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Excerpted from \u003ca href=\"https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/dr-stephen-nowicki/raising-a-socially-successful-child/9780316516471/\">Raising a Socially Successful Child\u003c/a> by Stephen Nowicki. Copyright © 2024 by Stephen Nowicki. Used with permission of Little, Brown Spark, an imprint of Little, Brown and Company. New York, NY. All rights reserved.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When your child is younger, you as a parent have a lot of control over his social life, selecting whom he should interact with, the length of the interaction and where the interaction takes place. That changes when your child reaches school age. Suddenly, these decisions — with whom to be friends, how much time to spend with a friend and how to spend that time together — are made largely on his own (though teachers may also play an important role). School is a place where children \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">can begin to form rewarding friendships\u003c/a>, but it is also a place where children \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57010/how-understanding-middle-school-friendships-can-help-students\">can experience rejection and isolation\u003c/a>, often because of nonverbal messages they are unwittingly sending and erroneously reading.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-63188 alignleft\" src=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-800x1238.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"230\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-800x1238.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-1020x1579.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-160x248.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-768x1189.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-992x1536.jpg 992w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-1323x2048.jpg 1323w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/KyizpEjm-scaled.jpg 1654w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 230px) 100vw, 230px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From the late childhood phase on, any friendship a child forms follows a pattern. And this sequence, which my colleague Marshall Duke and I first codified back in the 1980s, provides a template for the relationships those children will form as adults: children \u003cem>choose \u003c/em>a likely candidate for friendship, they \u003cem>initiate\u003c/em> the relationship, they \u003cem>deepen \u003c/em>the relationship and lastly, they go through a relationship \u003cem>transition \u003c/em>when the social occasion, school day, week, semester or year ends. Each of these phases of the relationship requires the use of nonverbal and verbal language skills — but some skills play a more important role in certain phases than in others. Understanding the patterns by which late childhood friendships form and develop can help you identify where your child is doing well and where he may need to learn more in order to connect meaningfully with others.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>1. Choosing\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>The choice phase is where every relationship begins. Research shows that a child’s decision about whom he’s going to befriend usually takes place in a matter of seconds. This means that children are using information gathered from nonverbal cues in clothing, facial expressions and posture to decide to approach another child.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ideally, when parents of very young children make these choices for them, they will share the reasons for their choices with their children. For example, when \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61966/how-parents-can-help-children-with-adhd-thrive-in-friendships\">inviting a child for a playdate\u003c/a>, the parent could say something like, “I think you are going to have a good time with Ravi. She always listens to me and shares her playthings with you.” Not only does this sharing of information help children understand their parents’ choices, but it also tells the children what is expected of them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By the time your child reaches school age, then, he should already have some sense of how to choose a friend. You can imagine him faced with a schoolyard filled with children he doesn’t know on the first day of school. He wants to find someone to play with. Over to his left, a few boys are playing ball and a ball comes loose and rolls toward him. A boy in a Green Bay Packers cap runs after the ball, picks it up and smiles. In that friendly smile, your child senses an invitation. He smiles back and begins walking toward the boy wearing the Packers cap. He has chosen to make a new friend.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>2. Initiating\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>The initiation phase is what happens next. Your child follows his new friend as he joins the three other boys playing ball. He waits until there’s a break in what is going on. “Hi,” he says with a smile. “Can I join in?” The other boys introduce themselves quickly and your child says, “I’m a Packer Backer too. I’ve got a Packers cap at home. I’ll wear it tomorrow.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The boy with the Packers cap says, “Remember when they won that game when it was a million degrees below zero?” Your child excitedly comments about how the field was like ice, and soon there are five boys happily playing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For a five-year-old meeting new peers for the first time on a playground, even a seemingly simple interaction like this one is a difficult task involving both nonverbal and verbal behaviors: Your child waited patiently and, sensing the rhythm of the game, chose the right moment to cut in. He didn’t intrude on their game, showing his respect for their personal space. When he did introduce himself, he smiled warmly and made eye contact. Then he made “small talk” before he asked to join in. I think we all can imagine many ways that the interaction could have gone much less successfully than it did.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The initiation phase is when the real give-and-take of social information through nonverbal and verbal channels gets under way. Your child is in uncharted relationship waters now. For the first time, he is running his own show and it is up to him to get this potential relationship off to a successful start.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>3. Deepening\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Over time, if all goes well, your child’s friendships will deepen in ways that would have been all but impossible in the earlier phases of development, in which friendships are usually fleeting and revolve around a shared activity. Hallmarks of a deepening relationship include trust, self- disclosure, acceptance and mutual understanding. As C. S. Lewis put it: Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The process of deepening a friendship involves a lot of give- and- take, much of it nonverbal; when one person speaks, the other responds not only through their words but through facial expressions, body language and tone of voice as well. Your child will disclose something about himself, then look to his friend to gauge the reaction. If the friend nods, smiles or makes encouraging gestures, your child will know to keep going. As children spend more and more time together, they become increasingly attuned to the nonverbal cues that communicate what the other is thinking or feeling. They begin to inhabit the same physical space and share the same rhythms and can often be seen hugging or walking arm in arm, with smiles on their faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>4. Transitioning\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>While deepening a relationship can be hard work for some kids, virtually all children will struggle with \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61082/how-grown-ups-can-help-kids-transition-to-post-pandemic-school-life\">handling relationship transitions positively\u003c/a>. In late childhood, these transitions happen more often than you may be aware: at the end of the school day or a playdate, for example. Sometimes the transition is more intense, such as the end of the school year or the Little League season or the last day of camp. Other times a transition in a friendship happens when a child has to move to a new town or school. And of course, there are times when one or both children actively decide not to continue the friendship, whether it’s over some fight or disagreement or the friendship simply having run its course.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Although transitions can sometimes be painful, it’s important to remember that each transition can also be a new beginning. Even as adults, transitions can make us uncomfortable, so we often rush through them as quickly as possible, without considering the unique information the experience can offer us.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Picture two ten-year-old girls, Gina and Ilana, on the last day of school. These friends sat next to each other during class for the whole school year because their last names both begin with \u003cem>M. \u003c/em>While not “best-best friends,” their bond has deepened over the course of the school year, and they are sad they probably won’t see much of each other over the summer. As they clean out their desks, they talk about the past school year. They remember how they were so shy with each other at first. They reminisce about the science fair, field day and other memorable events leading up to this the final day of school. Not all the times were fun, though, they admit. There were disagreements, and they both remember a particularly bad one during field day, when Ilana didn’t choose Gina for her team.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When their desks are cleaned out and have passed the teacher’s inspection, it’s time to leave. Each girl reaches sheepishly into her book bag and retrieves the present that they bought for the other. They hold hands as they walk out to their separate school buses. It’s time to part ways. Usually, their exchanges with each other are lively, but today they are much quieter and more subdued, which makes their goodbye hugs more meaningful. In hushed tones, they tell each other to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61888/4-parenting-priorities-to-prevent-mental-health-summer-slide\">have a good summer\u003c/a>. Transitioning is the point in the life of a relationship when you can help your child look back and see discernable patterns in how the relationship developed. Reflecting how she chose, began and deepened her ties with another person can yield valuable lessons that can be applied to the next set of relationships. And the more complex and important the relationship, the more she can learn from it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-63187\" src=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/fcB04_7m-160x240.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"160\" height=\"240\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/fcB04_7m-160x240.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2024/02/fcB04_7m.jpg 576w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: left\">\u003cem>Stephen Nowicki is the Charles Howard Candler Professor of Psychology Emeritus at Emory University, where he has served as director of clinical training, head of the psychological center and head of the counseling center. Nowicki maintains an active clinical practice as a diplomate in psychology.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/63184/when-parents-know-these-4-phases-of-friendship-they-can-help-their-child-make-friends-more-easily","authors":["4354"],"categories":["mindshift_21512","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21250","mindshift_21488","mindshift_21036","mindshift_21336","mindshift_20568","mindshift_290","mindshift_498","mindshift_21565","mindshift_21134","mindshift_21213","mindshift_943","mindshift_20719"],"featImg":"mindshift_63186","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_63173":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_63173","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"63173","score":null,"sort":[1707955213000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"3-research-backed-tips-for-teaching-forgiveness-to-children","title":"3 Research-backed tips for teaching forgiveness to children","publishDate":1707955213,"format":"standard","headTitle":"3 Research-backed tips for teaching forgiveness to children | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/teaching-forgiveness-to-children\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You may have never thought specifically about teaching your child forgiveness but we have all experienced a situation in which forgiveness comes into play. Maybe you’ve apologized to your child only to have them stare back at you blankly. Or maybe your child had a misunderstanding with their friend on the playground and even after it had been resolved refused to play with that friend. Or maybe their brother accidentally pushed them and they still lashed out and pushed back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Forgiving and moving on is just as important in repairing a relationship as \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62290/teaching-kids-the-right-way-to-say-im-sorry\">apologizing and making up for a mistake\u003c/a>. As adults, we know the importance of forgiveness in our relationships, but what about for our children? How do they learn to forgive others and move on? And is there anything we can do to teach them to be more forgiving?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324156892_The_Emergence_of_Forgiveness_in_Young_Children\">Research\u003c/a> finds that children as young as four show forgiveness, particularly when the offending party is is remorseful or apologetic. When children are more forgiving, it not only helps their social relationships, but is also associated with \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S014019711200053X\">increased self-esteem, lower levels of social anxiety\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Johan-Karremans/publication/288039910_Interpersonal_Forgiveness_and_Psychological_Well-being_in_Late_Childhood/links/568a80d208ae1e63f1fbcee0/Interpersonal-Forgiveness-and-Psychological-Well-being-in-Late-Childhood.pdf\">improved psychological well-being\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-92064-001\">A recent study\u003c/a> may help us to understand the factors that make children more likely to forgive. This study included 185 children from ages 5 to 14 years. The researchers interviewed children to find out how likely they were to forgive another child who left them out of an activity. The researchers also examined whether it mattered for forgiveness when the other child was on the same team versus on another team, whether the other child gave a sincere apology, and tested the children’s “theory of mind” skills (translation: children’s ability to take the perspectives of others and understand that other people have different thoughts, beliefs and emotions).\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Three main findings\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The researchers found that children were more likely to forgive others when:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>The other child gave a sincere apology\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>They thought of the other child as on the same team or part of their group\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>When they had more advanced theory of mind skills\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>Translation\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>This study suggests that forgiveness is complicated, even for young children. Of course this is a preliminary study and further research is needed to better understand the development of forgiveness in children, but it does provide some interesting insights. So how can this research help you to teach your children about forgiveness?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Work with your child on their perspective-taking abilities.\u003c/strong> Ask them why another person might have acted in a certain way and what they might be feeling. Help them to see the other child’s point of view in a conflict. Explain to them your thoughts and perspectives in different situations. Point out the thoughts, feelings and perspectives of characters in books, movies and television shows, whenever you have the chance.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Explain how other children are similar to your children even when they seem different on the surface.\u003c/strong> Research finds that children are more likely to forgive others when they think of themselves on the same “team” as that child ,so seeing the child as more similar to themselves may help to generate these feelings.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Help your children learn to apologize in a sincere way and recognize a sincere apology \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/should-you-make-your-kids-apologize\">when they receive one\u003c/a>.\u003c/strong> This research suggests that sincere apologies are important in forgiveness. Apologizing sincerely means being clear in expressing that they understood what they did wrong and a plan to do better in the future. Parents should also try to model sincere apologies when apologizing to their children and practice it with them regularly.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Child psychologist Cara Goodwin shares research-backed ways to help your child learn how to forgive others.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1708006240,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":10,"wordCount":667},"headData":{"title":"3 Research-backed tips for teaching forgiveness to children | KQED","description":"Child psychologist Cara Goodwin shares research-backed ways to help your child learn how to forgive others.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"Child psychologist Cara Goodwin shares research-backed ways to help your child learn how to forgive others."},"sticky":false,"nprByline":"Cara Goodwin, \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.org\" target=\"_blank\">The Parenting Translator\u003c/a>","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/63173/3-research-backed-tips-for-teaching-forgiveness-to-children","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/teaching-forgiveness-to-children\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You may have never thought specifically about teaching your child forgiveness but we have all experienced a situation in which forgiveness comes into play. Maybe you’ve apologized to your child only to have them stare back at you blankly. Or maybe your child had a misunderstanding with their friend on the playground and even after it had been resolved refused to play with that friend. Or maybe their brother accidentally pushed them and they still lashed out and pushed back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Forgiving and moving on is just as important in repairing a relationship as \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62290/teaching-kids-the-right-way-to-say-im-sorry\">apologizing and making up for a mistake\u003c/a>. As adults, we know the importance of forgiveness in our relationships, but what about for our children? How do they learn to forgive others and move on? And is there anything we can do to teach them to be more forgiving?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324156892_The_Emergence_of_Forgiveness_in_Young_Children\">Research\u003c/a> finds that children as young as four show forgiveness, particularly when the offending party is is remorseful or apologetic. When children are more forgiving, it not only helps their social relationships, but is also associated with \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S014019711200053X\">increased self-esteem, lower levels of social anxiety\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Johan-Karremans/publication/288039910_Interpersonal_Forgiveness_and_Psychological_Well-being_in_Late_Childhood/links/568a80d208ae1e63f1fbcee0/Interpersonal-Forgiveness-and-Psychological-Well-being-in-Late-Childhood.pdf\">improved psychological well-being\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-92064-001\">A recent study\u003c/a> may help us to understand the factors that make children more likely to forgive. This study included 185 children from ages 5 to 14 years. The researchers interviewed children to find out how likely they were to forgive another child who left them out of an activity. The researchers also examined whether it mattered for forgiveness when the other child was on the same team versus on another team, whether the other child gave a sincere apology, and tested the children’s “theory of mind” skills (translation: children’s ability to take the perspectives of others and understand that other people have different thoughts, beliefs and emotions).\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Three main findings\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The researchers found that children were more likely to forgive others when:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>The other child gave a sincere apology\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>They thought of the other child as on the same team or part of their group\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>When they had more advanced theory of mind skills\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>Translation\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>This study suggests that forgiveness is complicated, even for young children. Of course this is a preliminary study and further research is needed to better understand the development of forgiveness in children, but it does provide some interesting insights. So how can this research help you to teach your children about forgiveness?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Work with your child on their perspective-taking abilities.\u003c/strong> Ask them why another person might have acted in a certain way and what they might be feeling. Help them to see the other child’s point of view in a conflict. Explain to them your thoughts and perspectives in different situations. Point out the thoughts, feelings and perspectives of characters in books, movies and television shows, whenever you have the chance.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Explain how other children are similar to your children even when they seem different on the surface.\u003c/strong> Research finds that children are more likely to forgive others when they think of themselves on the same “team” as that child ,so seeing the child as more similar to themselves may help to generate these feelings.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Help your children learn to apologize in a sincere way and recognize a sincere apology \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/should-you-make-your-kids-apologize\">when they receive one\u003c/a>.\u003c/strong> This research suggests that sincere apologies are important in forgiveness. Apologizing sincerely means being clear in expressing that they understood what they did wrong and a plan to do better in the future. Parents should also try to model sincere apologies when apologizing to their children and practice it with them regularly.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/63173/3-research-backed-tips-for-teaching-forgiveness-to-children","authors":["byline_mindshift_63173"],"categories":["mindshift_21504","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21767","mindshift_21768","mindshift_21898","mindshift_20568","mindshift_21706"],"featImg":"mindshift_63174","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_62762":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_62762","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"62762","score":null,"sort":[1701169243000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-parents-can-help-their-kids-feel-seen","title":"How parents can help their kids feel seen","publishDate":1701169243,"format":"standard","headTitle":"How parents can help their kids feel seen | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp class=\"p1\">In his new book, \u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/652822/how-to-know-a-person-by-david-brooks/\">\u003ci>How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen\u003c/i>\u003c/a>, author and \u003ci>New York Times\u003c/i> columnist \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/nytdavidbrooksauthor\">David Brooks\u003c/a> writes about a period of singular connection between him and his young son. The boy was just over a year old and would wake every morning at 4 a.m. Rather than shush the boy back to bed, Brooks would join him on the floor for \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60248/the-complex-world-of-pre-k-play-young-kids-benefit-from-play-but-what-should-it-look-like\">several hours and play\u003c/a>. “I’m naturally immature,” Brooks told me, “And I loved to play.” He recalls those extended, wordless sessions with his son as a time of \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57373/why-we-need-to-pay-more-attention-to-the-youngest-children-right-now-and-their-parents\">profound tenderness and understanding\u003c/a>, when each knew the other more completely than they did any other person. It was made possible by the natural bonding that \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60251/want-resilient-and-well-adjusted-kids-let-them-play\">comes with simple play\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-62766\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/11/brooks-160x243.jpeg\" alt=\"Book cover for How to Know a Person by David Brooks\" width=\"160\" height=\"243\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/11/brooks-160x243.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/11/brooks.jpeg 296w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">Echoing the late British author Iris Murdoch, Brooks believes that looking closely at another person and striving to understand their place in the world, as he and his son did decades ago, is “the essential moral act” — a posture towards others that determines the kind of person we become. But understanding another is inherently difficult; egotism, fear, a distorted faith in our own perspective and other interior impediments get in the way. Society’s “creeping dehumanization” and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">narrow focus on academic merit over character development\u003c/a>, especially among the young, also have conspired to corrode moral awareness. Few know how to escape the prisons of their minds, and the social skills that would help us understand each other — how to converse, ask questions, disagree with integrity, and consider another’s perspective — are rarely taught in schools. Brooks wrote \u003ci>How to Know a Person \u003c/i>to help us develop these vital skills, many of them rusty from underuse or eroded by coarse social norms.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The challenge is particularly important for loving parents who crave \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61492/relax-your-adult-child-is-probably-fine\">lasting connection with their children\u003c/a>. Brooks explained how the work involved in understanding children varies by their age and life circumstance. “The first thing to shine on a young child is a gaze, the gaze of love, the gaze that says, ‘I recognize you, I see you’,” he told me. Playing side-by-side, without an agenda or purpose, also generates organic trust and understanding. While easy in theory, parents (and everyone else) are \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60436/when-parents-practice-good-screen-habits-it-rubs-off-on-the-whole-family\">assaulted by distractions, especially from their phones\u003c/a>. Brooks advises regarding attention as a switch that’s either off or on; when caring for a child, shut down TikTok or Instagram and fully engage. Striving to become a “loud listener” who responds to a child’s stories and experiences with vocal curiosity also builds understanding. Brooks learned this himself by observing how Oprah Winfrey leans in, gapes, affirms and manifestly attends to those she interviews.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Parents also would be wise to consider their child’s phase of life. This is especially \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62233/how-to-help-your-kids-navigate-social-media-without-getting-lost\">important with teenagers\u003c/a>, who typically have moved beyond what Brooks calls the early “imperial task,” in which they discover their own agency, and have advanced to the “interpersonal task,” where they gain insight into their psychology — along with an acute and occasionally maddening longing to be liked by their peers. Try to see the world from their perspective, he advises. Invite enigmatic teenagers to tell stories about what they’re experiencing. And as they do with fellow adults, parents might deploy conversational techniques that spur openness: Ask questions about the child’s unique interests, allow for lulls in the back-and-forth, and repeat back what the child said in your own words. Keep in mind that what often drives division between generations is the suspicion among the young that they’re not respected.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Personality types, of both parents and kids, also affect communication. But few adults are aware of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/big-5-personality-traits\">five big personality types\u003c/a> — extroverted, conscientious, neurotic, agreeable, open — or grasp how these natures might clash. The demanding father who is short on agreeableness, for example, might come off to his neurotic, exquisitely sensitive son as loud and critical. A richer appreciation of these differing personality types can help parents moderate their communication to fit the child.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">For college-aged and young adult children, parents would be wise to “to update their models,” Brooks told me. “Make it clear that this is not an adult-child relationship, this is an adult-adult relationship,” he added. And while demonstrating curiosity and inviting more storytelling, parents of grown kids might get closer by sharing a little of their own vulnerabilities. By admitting their foibles and weaknesses, parents cast aside the (false) role of omnipotent protector and acknowledge their own imperfect humanity. Expressing fears and doubts welcomes children to the grownup table, and “opens up a way to see each other,” he said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">For decades, American schools taught children basic manners, and some today offer instruction on social/emotional learning. Brooks would like more of this, so that kids understand the mechanics of how to get along. One promising arena in which kids still learn some of these skills is on sports teams, he added. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59768/do-youth-sports-really-build-character-what-kids-gain-from-sports-depends-on-adults\">The best coaches focus on cultivating responsibility and respect for others\u003c/a>, while also insisting on attention to small but vital manners that others might let go, like punctuality and holding eye contact. “I found that for moral formation, the kids would listen to some teachers who had credibility, but they would almost always listen to coaches,” he said. Joining a school’s theater production also helps children appreciate another’s perspective and build empathy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Seeing anyone clearly and deeply requires work, perhaps even more so between parents and children. Along with the regular barriers to understanding, mothers and fathers have the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61924/how-to-keep-your-kids-grandparents-involved-without-losing-your-mind\">emotional legacy of their own upbringing\u003c/a>, which shapes how they engage with the young. A history of conflict between parent and child also can blind both to the other’s intentions, making genuine understanding nearly impossible. And at a certain stage of life — when kids are grown and out on their own, perhaps living far from their first home\u003cspan class=\"Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>disrupting established patterns is tougher. Kids can grow up feeling loved without feeling understood, Brooks said. But for deeper understanding, “you’ve got to take the extra effort to lead with curiosity,” he said. “Even with somebody you think you know.”\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"In \"How to Know a Person,\" David Brooks writes that our ability to see and be seen deeply by others is central to the kind of person we become.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1701141789,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":2,"wordCount":1086},"headData":{"title":"How parents can help their kids feel seen | KQED","description":"In "How to Know a Person," David Brooks writes that our ability to see and be seen deeply by others is central to the kind of person we become.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"In "How to Know a Person," David Brooks writes that our ability to see and be seen deeply by others is central to the kind of person we become."},"excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/62762/how-parents-can-help-their-kids-feel-seen","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp class=\"p1\">In his new book, \u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/652822/how-to-know-a-person-by-david-brooks/\">\u003ci>How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen\u003c/i>\u003c/a>, author and \u003ci>New York Times\u003c/i> columnist \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/nytdavidbrooksauthor\">David Brooks\u003c/a> writes about a period of singular connection between him and his young son. The boy was just over a year old and would wake every morning at 4 a.m. Rather than shush the boy back to bed, Brooks would join him on the floor for \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60248/the-complex-world-of-pre-k-play-young-kids-benefit-from-play-but-what-should-it-look-like\">several hours and play\u003c/a>. “I’m naturally immature,” Brooks told me, “And I loved to play.” He recalls those extended, wordless sessions with his son as a time of \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57373/why-we-need-to-pay-more-attention-to-the-youngest-children-right-now-and-their-parents\">profound tenderness and understanding\u003c/a>, when each knew the other more completely than they did any other person. It was made possible by the natural bonding that \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60251/want-resilient-and-well-adjusted-kids-let-them-play\">comes with simple play\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-62766\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/11/brooks-160x243.jpeg\" alt=\"Book cover for How to Know a Person by David Brooks\" width=\"160\" height=\"243\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/11/brooks-160x243.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/11/brooks.jpeg 296w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">Echoing the late British author Iris Murdoch, Brooks believes that looking closely at another person and striving to understand their place in the world, as he and his son did decades ago, is “the essential moral act” — a posture towards others that determines the kind of person we become. But understanding another is inherently difficult; egotism, fear, a distorted faith in our own perspective and other interior impediments get in the way. Society’s “creeping dehumanization” and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">narrow focus on academic merit over character development\u003c/a>, especially among the young, also have conspired to corrode moral awareness. Few know how to escape the prisons of their minds, and the social skills that would help us understand each other — how to converse, ask questions, disagree with integrity, and consider another’s perspective — are rarely taught in schools. Brooks wrote \u003ci>How to Know a Person \u003c/i>to help us develop these vital skills, many of them rusty from underuse or eroded by coarse social norms.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The challenge is particularly important for loving parents who crave \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61492/relax-your-adult-child-is-probably-fine\">lasting connection with their children\u003c/a>. Brooks explained how the work involved in understanding children varies by their age and life circumstance. “The first thing to shine on a young child is a gaze, the gaze of love, the gaze that says, ‘I recognize you, I see you’,” he told me. Playing side-by-side, without an agenda or purpose, also generates organic trust and understanding. While easy in theory, parents (and everyone else) are \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60436/when-parents-practice-good-screen-habits-it-rubs-off-on-the-whole-family\">assaulted by distractions, especially from their phones\u003c/a>. Brooks advises regarding attention as a switch that’s either off or on; when caring for a child, shut down TikTok or Instagram and fully engage. Striving to become a “loud listener” who responds to a child’s stories and experiences with vocal curiosity also builds understanding. Brooks learned this himself by observing how Oprah Winfrey leans in, gapes, affirms and manifestly attends to those she interviews.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Parents also would be wise to consider their child’s phase of life. This is especially \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62233/how-to-help-your-kids-navigate-social-media-without-getting-lost\">important with teenagers\u003c/a>, who typically have moved beyond what Brooks calls the early “imperial task,” in which they discover their own agency, and have advanced to the “interpersonal task,” where they gain insight into their psychology — along with an acute and occasionally maddening longing to be liked by their peers. Try to see the world from their perspective, he advises. Invite enigmatic teenagers to tell stories about what they’re experiencing. And as they do with fellow adults, parents might deploy conversational techniques that spur openness: Ask questions about the child’s unique interests, allow for lulls in the back-and-forth, and repeat back what the child said in your own words. Keep in mind that what often drives division between generations is the suspicion among the young that they’re not respected.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Personality types, of both parents and kids, also affect communication. But few adults are aware of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/big-5-personality-traits\">five big personality types\u003c/a> — extroverted, conscientious, neurotic, agreeable, open — or grasp how these natures might clash. The demanding father who is short on agreeableness, for example, might come off to his neurotic, exquisitely sensitive son as loud and critical. A richer appreciation of these differing personality types can help parents moderate their communication to fit the child.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">For college-aged and young adult children, parents would be wise to “to update their models,” Brooks told me. “Make it clear that this is not an adult-child relationship, this is an adult-adult relationship,” he added. And while demonstrating curiosity and inviting more storytelling, parents of grown kids might get closer by sharing a little of their own vulnerabilities. By admitting their foibles and weaknesses, parents cast aside the (false) role of omnipotent protector and acknowledge their own imperfect humanity. Expressing fears and doubts welcomes children to the grownup table, and “opens up a way to see each other,” he said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">For decades, American schools taught children basic manners, and some today offer instruction on social/emotional learning. Brooks would like more of this, so that kids understand the mechanics of how to get along. One promising arena in which kids still learn some of these skills is on sports teams, he added. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59768/do-youth-sports-really-build-character-what-kids-gain-from-sports-depends-on-adults\">The best coaches focus on cultivating responsibility and respect for others\u003c/a>, while also insisting on attention to small but vital manners that others might let go, like punctuality and holding eye contact. “I found that for moral formation, the kids would listen to some teachers who had credibility, but they would almost always listen to coaches,” he said. Joining a school’s theater production also helps children appreciate another’s perspective and build empathy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Seeing anyone clearly and deeply requires work, perhaps even more so between parents and children. Along with the regular barriers to understanding, mothers and fathers have the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61924/how-to-keep-your-kids-grandparents-involved-without-losing-your-mind\">emotional legacy of their own upbringing\u003c/a>, which shapes how they engage with the young. A history of conflict between parent and child also can blind both to the other’s intentions, making genuine understanding nearly impossible. And at a certain stage of life — when kids are grown and out on their own, perhaps living far from their first home\u003cspan class=\"Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>disrupting established patterns is tougher. Kids can grow up feeling loved without feeling understood, Brooks said. But for deeper understanding, “you’ve got to take the extra effort to lead with curiosity,” he said. “Even with somebody you think you know.”\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/62762/how-parents-can-help-their-kids-feel-seen","authors":["4613"],"categories":["mindshift_21445","mindshift_192","mindshift_21280","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21849","mindshift_21850","mindshift_20568","mindshift_290"],"featImg":"mindshift_62765","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_62678":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_62678","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"62678","score":null,"sort":[1698847946000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"what-to-do-when-gentle-parenting-fails","title":"What to do when 'gentle parenting' fails","publishDate":1698847946,"format":"standard","headTitle":"What to do when ‘gentle parenting’ fails | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Recently there has been a movement on social media and the parenting community more broadly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">to practice “gentle parenting.”\u003c/a> The exact definition of gentle parenting is not completely clear because it is not a term that has been studied in the research or used by psychologists in clinical practice. The term \u003ca href=\"https://sarahockwell-smith.com/\">gentle parenting\u003c/a> is credited to British author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books on the topic. Gentle parenting has since become a buzzword and been co-opted by countless parenting influencers on social media. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Reassuringly though, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem to be based on principles that nearly every child psychologist or expert in child development would endorse such as respecting the child, taking the child’s perspective into account, empathizing with and validating your child and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences. However, where gentle parenting seems to deviate from research-backed parenting programs is in what to do when you encounter behavior problems even after you start using these more positive strategies or when it is not possible to use these positive parenting strategies. Most evidence-based parenting programs work on these gentle or positive parenting skills first and then move to other techniques that help parents to handle the behavior problems that inevitably come up even \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">after\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> working on these positive, relationship-building strategies. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are clearly some parents that gentle parenting works well for, or it wouldn’t have gained such a strong following. If gentle parenting is working for you, that is wonderful and there is no reason to change what you are doing. However, many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual child and family. Research backs up this experience and suggests that gentle parenting strategies alone may not be effective for every situation and every child. Specifically, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15295192.2018.1465304\">not as effective for more serious challenging behavior\u003c/a>, such as aggression, or for children that are oppositional or harder to manage\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, we as parents would all \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">love\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> if simply validating and empathizing with our child’s emotions was all we needed to do — but in the real world it doesn’t seem to be so simple. It is easy to stay calm and validate your child’s emotions when you are calm and everything is going well but nearly all parents reach a point of overwhelm during which they just can’t be the gentle parent they want to be. In these moments, parents may be tempted to resort to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies, like yelling or spanking, instead of using research-backed strategies that are not technically “gentle parenting” but are less harsh and might actually work. Sometimes gentle parenting strategies may even result in a pattern of increasingly frequent episodes of challenging behavior, which makes gentle parenting more difficult because you as the parent eventually get worn down, or the parent-child relationship suffers due to a lack of positive interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Real life may also get in the way. You can empathize with your child that they hate wearing socks but at some point you have to get them to put on their socks and shoes or you will be late for school. You may also have other children and responsibilities that make gentle parenting difficult. It is hard to “help your child to stop hitting” when you are breastfeeding a newborn or making dinner for your family. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although the overarching principles of gentle parenting may resonate with many parents (I know they do for me), these same parents may still feel at a loss for how to apply these principles in the more difficult situations of parenting. So what happens when gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working? Or maybe gentle parenting does work most of the time but doesn’t work in some situations, such as when either you or your child is having an off day? The strategies listed below are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommended by most gentle parenting advocates but \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">are\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently supported by research and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. If gentle parenting is working for you, of course, you do not \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">need\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to use these strategies but if you are one of the many parents who feel like you might need something more, the following strategies may be helpful for you. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>What to do when gentle parenting isn’t working\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Use consequences:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Consequences seem to be a bad word in the gentle parenting sphere. Gentle parenting advocates suggest that the problem with consequences is that we want our children to be internally motivated to behave rather than responding only to externally imposed consequences, such as having an internal motivation to be kind rather than being kind simply to avoid losing iPad time. Yet it is important to keep in mind that all behavior has consequences regardless of whether you impose them or not. Imagine this situation: Your child takes a toy from their brother and you go over and empathize with them that it is hard to see your brother play with a toy you want but it still isn’t okay to take the toy. Your child then has the positive consequence of gaining access to the toy \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">getting your attention. Whether it was your intention or not, you just increased the likelihood of them snatching a toy in the future. All humans respond to these laws of behavior. Even as an adult, you may consider yourself intrinsically motivated to be a conscientious person but if there were no penalties for speeding, would you always drive under the speed limit? And if you got a ticket would you be more careful about speeding in the future?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In particular, research consistently finds that \u003c/span>\u003cb>\u003ci>logical consequences\u003c/i>\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are related to improved \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://research.bangor.ac.uk/portal/files/23231845/Leijten_et_al_2019_JAACAP_Key_Parenting_Program_Components.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003ca href=\"http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/mageaug/Articles/Joussemet_Mageau_Koestner_2013.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in children. Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior so they make sense to children. Logical consequences can include any of the following: making them stop play to get an ice pack or a bandaid for another child that they hurt, leaving the playground when they aren’t following the rules, cleaning up a mess that they made before they are allowed to move on to the next activity, not having time to watch their favorite show because they didn’t clean their room when you asked, and losing access to a toy when they don’t use it appropriately. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2020_RobichaudMageauSoenens_TheRoleofLogical.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that logical consequences may even be linked with \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increased\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> intrinsic motivation to follow the rules. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018_MageauLesssardEtal.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also suggests that logical consequences are more effective than simply reminding children of the rule or limit. Although \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131778\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> indicates that it is important for parents to remind children of the rule or limit and explain why it exists, research also suggests that parents sometimes need to use consequences alongside this type of verbal reasoning in order to positively impact behavior. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.proquest.com/openview/fd4fe3695828fd077fb647bf034d35c2/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=25922\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that this type of verbal reasoning only works to improve behavior and reduce aggression with toddlers if parents followed through on consequences some of the time (at least 10% of the time).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Selective attention/planned ignoring:\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2019.1663184\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. To use your attention to improve your child’s behavior and make your day-to-day parenting a little easier, try to make a concerted effort to pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors. This is called “selective attention.” So if your child is whining to get your attention, make an effort to notice and praise whenever they use a “normal voice”. However, if simply noticing and praising the positive behavior doesn’t seem to be working, it is okay to ignore more minor misbehavior, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing or asking the same questions over and over again. Sometimes children and parents get into a bad cycle where negative behaviors get more attention than positive behaviors so to get out of this cycle, parents may have to both pay more attention to positive behavior \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> ignore some negative behavior.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents are only using more gentle parenting strategies like emotion coaching for challenging behavior, which is a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-012-0322-1\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">great research-backed strategy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors than positive behaviors which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a situation in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most research-backed parenting programs, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(PCIT), advise parents to use ignoring for minor challenging behavior. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530857/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this type of brief ignoring of minor behavior is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/224025331_Mothers'_Perceptions_of_Young_Children_Parenting_and_Young_Children's_Behavior_Problems\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improved behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6173420/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduced non-compliance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> (translation: children being more likely to listen to parents). An important note about ignoring: Ideally parents should only ignore minor challenging behavior that has the goal of gaining attention. It doesn’t make sense to ignore any behavior related to emotional dysregulation, since your child may genuinely need your help with calming down, or a more serious behavior like aggression, since you need to step in to keep your child and others safe. It is also important to remember that you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. When the child stops the behavior, make sure to pay attention and notice and praise any positive behavior. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Try timeout\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: It seems that one of the core tenets of gentle parenting is that timeout is harmful to children and some gentle parenting advocates go so far as to equate timeout with physical abuse. Yet, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">research does not find any evidence for harm associated with timeout\u003c/a> and even finds that it may be linked with positive outcomes. Research also indicates that timeout is very effective in improving behavior. In particular, timeout may be helpful at times when a parent is at risk for using more harsh discipline strategies. For example, when you feel “triggered” as a parent, timeout can give you all a chance to calm down in order to effectively deal with a difficult situation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/ccch/Risk_factors_for_childhood_mental_health_symptoms_Bayer.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with worse mental health in children. If timeout gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might be the right choice for you and your family. The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to timeout. Yet, research has yet to determine whether “time-in” is an effective strategy. If “time-in” works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use it. However, if it is not working for you or your child, feel free to use another approach like timeout without guilt. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use timeout, follow your instincts and don’t use it. Research does not indicate that you \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">must \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">use timeout in order to be an effective parent. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Take care of yourself before your children\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The advice of gentle parenting advocates sometimes doesn’t seem to acknowledge that parents are people too. We have feelings, needs and desires that matter. For example, many gentle parenting advocates suggest that parents should never tell their children when they make you feel sad or angry because this may cause codependency. Of course we do not want to use our feelings to manipulate or guilt our children, but we have no evidence that honestly sharing our emotions with our children has any negative impacts and we do have \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some evidence that hiding your emotions from your child is \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2020-26571-001.pdf\">associated with more stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. It is also impossible to help your children to regulate their emotions when you are feeling dysregulated, as is often the case when your children are dysregulated — \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4604752/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">particularly if you are an empathetic person\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some gentle parenting proponents fail to mention that it is more than okay if you need to take care of your own emotional needs before your children’s. This might mean telling your children that you can’t play with them because you are too stressed or busy. It could be walking away from a situation and calming yourself down before you calm them down. It could be ignoring their demands until you have met your own needs. As parents we often put our children first, but being a good parent may also involve occasionally \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">putting yourself first\u003c/a>. If you feel guilty about this then remember that even if you could be a person devoid of all emotions and the perfectly calm co-regulator for your child, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation for all future relationships — future friendships and spouses will never be able to completely put aside their own feelings in every scenario. It might cause guilt in the moment but remember that you are modeling \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62649/mental-health-tools-for-tweens-by-phyllis-fagell\">healthy emotional regulation\u003c/a> when you take care of yourself first. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research supports the core tenets of gentle parenting, which include validating and empathizing with your child’s emotions, enhancing the parent-child relationship, giving your child positive attention, assuming the best of your child and modeling for children the behavior you want to see. However, for some children and parents and in some situations, these strategies don’t seem to be effective. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, it does \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> mean that you have failed at being a gentle parent— only that it might be time to try something else. It is important to remember that these strategies have not been found to be effective for all families. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, parents should feel free to try using evidence-based strategies such as consequences, timeout, ignoring, and taking care of yourself before your child. Above all, it is important for parents to remember that gentle parenting is a trend and not a religion — feel free to take the parts you like and leave the rest.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"'Gentle parenting' seems to be based on sound child psychology principles, but these techniques may not be as effective for more serious challenging behavior.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1698847989,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":20,"wordCount":2486},"headData":{"title":"What to do when 'gentle parenting' fails | KQED","description":"'Gentle parenting' seems to be based on sound psychology principles, but these techniques may not be as effective for more serious challenging behavior.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"'Gentle parenting' seems to be based on sound psychology principles, but these techniques may not be as effective for more serious challenging behavior."},"nprByline":"Cara Goodwin, \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.org\" target=\"_blank\">The Parenting Translator\u003c/a>","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/62678/what-to-do-when-gentle-parenting-fails","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Recently there has been a movement on social media and the parenting community more broadly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">to practice “gentle parenting.”\u003c/a> The exact definition of gentle parenting is not completely clear because it is not a term that has been studied in the research or used by psychologists in clinical practice. The term \u003ca href=\"https://sarahockwell-smith.com/\">gentle parenting\u003c/a> is credited to British author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books on the topic. Gentle parenting has since become a buzzword and been co-opted by countless parenting influencers on social media. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Reassuringly though, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem to be based on principles that nearly every child psychologist or expert in child development would endorse such as respecting the child, taking the child’s perspective into account, empathizing with and validating your child and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences. However, where gentle parenting seems to deviate from research-backed parenting programs is in what to do when you encounter behavior problems even after you start using these more positive strategies or when it is not possible to use these positive parenting strategies. Most evidence-based parenting programs work on these gentle or positive parenting skills first and then move to other techniques that help parents to handle the behavior problems that inevitably come up even \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">after\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> working on these positive, relationship-building strategies. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are clearly some parents that gentle parenting works well for, or it wouldn’t have gained such a strong following. If gentle parenting is working for you, that is wonderful and there is no reason to change what you are doing. However, many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual child and family. Research backs up this experience and suggests that gentle parenting strategies alone may not be effective for every situation and every child. Specifically, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15295192.2018.1465304\">not as effective for more serious challenging behavior\u003c/a>, such as aggression, or for children that are oppositional or harder to manage\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, we as parents would all \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">love\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> if simply validating and empathizing with our child’s emotions was all we needed to do — but in the real world it doesn’t seem to be so simple. It is easy to stay calm and validate your child’s emotions when you are calm and everything is going well but nearly all parents reach a point of overwhelm during which they just can’t be the gentle parent they want to be. In these moments, parents may be tempted to resort to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies, like yelling or spanking, instead of using research-backed strategies that are not technically “gentle parenting” but are less harsh and might actually work. Sometimes gentle parenting strategies may even result in a pattern of increasingly frequent episodes of challenging behavior, which makes gentle parenting more difficult because you as the parent eventually get worn down, or the parent-child relationship suffers due to a lack of positive interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Real life may also get in the way. You can empathize with your child that they hate wearing socks but at some point you have to get them to put on their socks and shoes or you will be late for school. You may also have other children and responsibilities that make gentle parenting difficult. It is hard to “help your child to stop hitting” when you are breastfeeding a newborn or making dinner for your family. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although the overarching principles of gentle parenting may resonate with many parents (I know they do for me), these same parents may still feel at a loss for how to apply these principles in the more difficult situations of parenting. So what happens when gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working? Or maybe gentle parenting does work most of the time but doesn’t work in some situations, such as when either you or your child is having an off day? The strategies listed below are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommended by most gentle parenting advocates but \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">are\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently supported by research and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. If gentle parenting is working for you, of course, you do not \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">need\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to use these strategies but if you are one of the many parents who feel like you might need something more, the following strategies may be helpful for you. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>What to do when gentle parenting isn’t working\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Use consequences:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Consequences seem to be a bad word in the gentle parenting sphere. Gentle parenting advocates suggest that the problem with consequences is that we want our children to be internally motivated to behave rather than responding only to externally imposed consequences, such as having an internal motivation to be kind rather than being kind simply to avoid losing iPad time. Yet it is important to keep in mind that all behavior has consequences regardless of whether you impose them or not. Imagine this situation: Your child takes a toy from their brother and you go over and empathize with them that it is hard to see your brother play with a toy you want but it still isn’t okay to take the toy. Your child then has the positive consequence of gaining access to the toy \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">getting your attention. Whether it was your intention or not, you just increased the likelihood of them snatching a toy in the future. All humans respond to these laws of behavior. Even as an adult, you may consider yourself intrinsically motivated to be a conscientious person but if there were no penalties for speeding, would you always drive under the speed limit? And if you got a ticket would you be more careful about speeding in the future?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In particular, research consistently finds that \u003c/span>\u003cb>\u003ci>logical consequences\u003c/i>\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are related to improved \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://research.bangor.ac.uk/portal/files/23231845/Leijten_et_al_2019_JAACAP_Key_Parenting_Program_Components.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003ca href=\"http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/mageaug/Articles/Joussemet_Mageau_Koestner_2013.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in children. Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior so they make sense to children. Logical consequences can include any of the following: making them stop play to get an ice pack or a bandaid for another child that they hurt, leaving the playground when they aren’t following the rules, cleaning up a mess that they made before they are allowed to move on to the next activity, not having time to watch their favorite show because they didn’t clean their room when you asked, and losing access to a toy when they don’t use it appropriately. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2020_RobichaudMageauSoenens_TheRoleofLogical.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that logical consequences may even be linked with \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increased\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> intrinsic motivation to follow the rules. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018_MageauLesssardEtal.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also suggests that logical consequences are more effective than simply reminding children of the rule or limit. Although \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131778\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> indicates that it is important for parents to remind children of the rule or limit and explain why it exists, research also suggests that parents sometimes need to use consequences alongside this type of verbal reasoning in order to positively impact behavior. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.proquest.com/openview/fd4fe3695828fd077fb647bf034d35c2/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=25922\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that this type of verbal reasoning only works to improve behavior and reduce aggression with toddlers if parents followed through on consequences some of the time (at least 10% of the time).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Selective attention/planned ignoring:\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2019.1663184\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. To use your attention to improve your child’s behavior and make your day-to-day parenting a little easier, try to make a concerted effort to pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors. This is called “selective attention.” So if your child is whining to get your attention, make an effort to notice and praise whenever they use a “normal voice”. However, if simply noticing and praising the positive behavior doesn’t seem to be working, it is okay to ignore more minor misbehavior, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing or asking the same questions over and over again. Sometimes children and parents get into a bad cycle where negative behaviors get more attention than positive behaviors so to get out of this cycle, parents may have to both pay more attention to positive behavior \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> ignore some negative behavior.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents are only using more gentle parenting strategies like emotion coaching for challenging behavior, which is a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-012-0322-1\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">great research-backed strategy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors than positive behaviors which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a situation in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most research-backed parenting programs, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(PCIT), advise parents to use ignoring for minor challenging behavior. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530857/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this type of brief ignoring of minor behavior is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/224025331_Mothers'_Perceptions_of_Young_Children_Parenting_and_Young_Children's_Behavior_Problems\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improved behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6173420/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduced non-compliance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> (translation: children being more likely to listen to parents). An important note about ignoring: Ideally parents should only ignore minor challenging behavior that has the goal of gaining attention. It doesn’t make sense to ignore any behavior related to emotional dysregulation, since your child may genuinely need your help with calming down, or a more serious behavior like aggression, since you need to step in to keep your child and others safe. It is also important to remember that you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. When the child stops the behavior, make sure to pay attention and notice and praise any positive behavior. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Try timeout\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: It seems that one of the core tenets of gentle parenting is that timeout is harmful to children and some gentle parenting advocates go so far as to equate timeout with physical abuse. Yet, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">research does not find any evidence for harm associated with timeout\u003c/a> and even finds that it may be linked with positive outcomes. Research also indicates that timeout is very effective in improving behavior. In particular, timeout may be helpful at times when a parent is at risk for using more harsh discipline strategies. For example, when you feel “triggered” as a parent, timeout can give you all a chance to calm down in order to effectively deal with a difficult situation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/ccch/Risk_factors_for_childhood_mental_health_symptoms_Bayer.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with worse mental health in children. If timeout gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might be the right choice for you and your family. The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to timeout. Yet, research has yet to determine whether “time-in” is an effective strategy. If “time-in” works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use it. However, if it is not working for you or your child, feel free to use another approach like timeout without guilt. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use timeout, follow your instincts and don’t use it. Research does not indicate that you \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">must \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">use timeout in order to be an effective parent. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Take care of yourself before your children\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The advice of gentle parenting advocates sometimes doesn’t seem to acknowledge that parents are people too. We have feelings, needs and desires that matter. For example, many gentle parenting advocates suggest that parents should never tell their children when they make you feel sad or angry because this may cause codependency. Of course we do not want to use our feelings to manipulate or guilt our children, but we have no evidence that honestly sharing our emotions with our children has any negative impacts and we do have \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some evidence that hiding your emotions from your child is \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2020-26571-001.pdf\">associated with more stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. It is also impossible to help your children to regulate their emotions when you are feeling dysregulated, as is often the case when your children are dysregulated — \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4604752/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">particularly if you are an empathetic person\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some gentle parenting proponents fail to mention that it is more than okay if you need to take care of your own emotional needs before your children’s. This might mean telling your children that you can’t play with them because you are too stressed or busy. It could be walking away from a situation and calming yourself down before you calm them down. It could be ignoring their demands until you have met your own needs. As parents we often put our children first, but being a good parent may also involve occasionally \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">putting yourself first\u003c/a>. If you feel guilty about this then remember that even if you could be a person devoid of all emotions and the perfectly calm co-regulator for your child, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation for all future relationships — future friendships and spouses will never be able to completely put aside their own feelings in every scenario. It might cause guilt in the moment but remember that you are modeling \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62649/mental-health-tools-for-tweens-by-phyllis-fagell\">healthy emotional regulation\u003c/a> when you take care of yourself first. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research supports the core tenets of gentle parenting, which include validating and empathizing with your child’s emotions, enhancing the parent-child relationship, giving your child positive attention, assuming the best of your child and modeling for children the behavior you want to see. However, for some children and parents and in some situations, these strategies don’t seem to be effective. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, it does \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> mean that you have failed at being a gentle parent— only that it might be time to try something else. It is important to remember that these strategies have not been found to be effective for all families. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, parents should feel free to try using evidence-based strategies such as consequences, timeout, ignoring, and taking care of yourself before your child. Above all, it is important for parents to remember that gentle parenting is a trend and not a religion — feel free to take the parts you like and leave the rest.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/62678/what-to-do-when-gentle-parenting-fails","authors":["byline_mindshift_62678"],"categories":["mindshift_21504","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21588","mindshift_21833","mindshift_20568","mindshift_21706","mindshift_20796","mindshift_381"],"featImg":"mindshift_62681","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_62628":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_62628","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"62628","score":null,"sort":[1697632218000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-parents-can-recognize-and-help-a-child-with-anxiety","title":"How parents can recognize and help a child with anxiety","publishDate":1697632218,"format":"standard","headTitle":"How parents can recognize and help a child with anxiety | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/how-to-help-your-anxious-child\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health concern in children. The rates of children with anxiety have been growing dramatically. In 2021, a meta-analysis (translation: a study that combines data from all previous studies) found that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2782796\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">20.5% of children worldwide have symptoms of anxiety\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This post will help parents address many of your common questions on anxiety, including:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How do you know if your child has anxiety?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What are the common anxiety disorders in children?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Is your child’s anxiety your “fault” as a parent?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What can you do to help your child?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When and how should you seek professional help for your child?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>How do you know if your child has anxiety?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It is very normal for children to have fears that seem irrational or out of proportion to the danger actually posed, such as being afraid of the dark or worried about their parents leaving. However, most children seem to outgrow these fears with age and/or the fears do not interfere with the child’s ability to make friends, go to school, sleep or engage in other activities that are important to the child and the family. Parents should be concerned if the fear or anxiety does not seem typical for their age or if it starts to interfere with important activities for your child, such as sleep, school or important family activities.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Children with anxiety may show some of the following symptoms:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Complaining of stomach or head problems\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Difficulty falling or staying asleep\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Difficulty concentrating\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Seeming overly tired or on edge\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Excessive worrying\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Avoiding certain things or activities\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Irritability or being more prone to anger\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It is also important to note that anxiety can look different in children than in adults. For children, it is common that anxiety involves physical complaints (stomachache, headache or being tired or unable to sleep) or looks more like irritability and anger than nervousness. Young children also may not be able to describe their anxious thoughts or even accept that their thoughts are irrational or unreasonable. Older children may know their thoughts are unreasonable but not be able to control them or still feel anxious.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety in children can include any of the following diagnoses:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Generalized anxiety disorder\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Children with generalized anxiety disorder show a general pattern of anxiety that is not specific to a particular object or event. They worry constantly about a variety of topics and show physical signs of anxiety, such as stomaches or a racing heart). Their anxiety is so distressing that it interferes with school and other activities.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Separation anxiety disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Most children don’t like being separated from their primary caregivers but children with separation anxiety disorder show an extreme response to separation that is more intense or lasts longer than other children their age. They may refuse separation or worry that something may happen to the caregiver while they are away.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Social anxiety disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Children with social anxiety disorder are very afraid of social situations. Older children may be very worried about being judged or viewed negatively by others. This could result in school avoidance or avoiding other types of social situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Panic disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Panic disorder is diagnosed when children have regular, unpredictable panic attacks and have a persistent worry about having another one. A panic attack may involve a sudden feeling of heart pounding, trouble breathing, dizziness or feeling shaky and sweaty.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Specific phobias:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> A specific phobia is strong fear about a particular situation or object. These fears are so intense that they cause extreme distress and/or stop the child from going places or doing things they want to do. Common examples include going to the doctor or dentist, dogs, thunderstorms and vomit.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Selective mutism\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Selective mutism occurs when children have trouble talking or refuse to talk in situations that are new or uncomfortable for them. They do not have trouble communicating with familiar people in familiar situations but they only have trouble talking in anxiety-provoking situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Is your child’s anxiety your “fault” as a parent?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">meta-analysis\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(translation: a study which combines data from all previous studies on the topic) found that only 4% of the variance in child anxiety is related to parenting. This means that most cases of childhood anxiety are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">caused or made worse by parenting. For most children, there is nothing you did or did not do to cause your child’s anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">However, just because parenting is unlikely to have caused anxiety, it does not mean that there is nothing you can do to help your child learn how to cope with anxiety or reduce their experience of anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What can I do to help my child?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research finds that parents may play a clear role in helping their child to cope with anxiety. In fact, a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30851397/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that training parents in effective ways to manage their child’s anxiety was just as effective in reducing anxiety symptoms as direct child therapy.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So what can you do to help your anxious child, according to research?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Explain what anxiety is and take away the shame:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Explain to your child that there is nothing wrong with them and that anxiety itself is not “bad”— anxiety is there to protect them. You can describe their brain as being more likely to have “false alarms” meaning their brain is telling them there is danger when really they are safe. Explain that this happens to everyone and maybe even give an example of when it happened to you as a child or an adult.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>When your child is anxious, avoid any “accommodating behaviors”:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Be careful not to provide too much reassurance or help the child to avoid what makes them anxious. These are called “accommodating behaviors” by psychologists. Many well-intentioned parents of anxious children get in the pattern of shielding their child or avoiding anything that might trigger anxiety. Yet, we know from\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3932435/\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> that avoiding anxiety-provoking events only makes anxiety worse and keeps the child reliant on their parents coping with the situation for them so they don’t learn skills for coping with their anxiety independently. It also reinforces that the situation is something they should be afraid of (since even their parents seem worried) and communicates to children that they are not capable of handling it on their own. Examples can include always speaking for a shy child, answering repetitive questions when a child is worried about something or avoiding events that might make your child anxious.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Validate and empathize with anxiety:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> At the same time, parents also do not want to ignore or invalidate their child’s anxiety. They should acknowledge that the child’s anxiety is “real” and is difficult for them, even if it seems irrational to the parent. For example: “I can tell that was really scary for you.”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage children to face their fears:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> After acknowledging and empathizing with their child’s anxiety, parents should then encourage them to gradually and gently face their fears. Parents should work with their children to take “baby steps” to facing their fears. For example: “This really makes you feel nervous but I know you can handle it.”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Praise any “brave” behavior:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> When children successfully face their fears or even when they take a “baby step” toward facing their fears, parents should give children a lot of praise and positive attention. When doing this, parents should acknowledge that the child was anxious and that it was very difficult but they did it anyway, rather than invalidating their experience with something like “See, that wasn’t so bad!”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Help your child learn to tolerate uncertainty:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Many children and adults with anxiety will try to avoid anxiety by reducing uncertainty in their environment. Help your child to face uncertainty and learn to tolerate uncertainty by gradually exposing them to more uncertainty in their environment. This could include not answering repetitive questions, packing them a slightly different snack every day, trying out new activities even if they are nervous, driving a different way to school or changing the order of a routine.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage your child’s independence and ability to make choices on their own\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Allow your child the freedom to make mistakes, take risks and even make the “wrong” decision.\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that parents who are overly controlling are more likely to have a child with anxiety. Although this parenting practice could reflect the parents’ anxiety themselves, it also makes sense that this behavior may hurt children’s confidence.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>When and how do I seek professional help?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although parents can certainly help their children to cope with anxiety, it is also important to seek professional help when needed for childhood anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How do you know if you need to seek help? Parents should seek help for any of the following reasons:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Their child’s anxiety seems to be interfering with important functions such as sleep, eating, school or activities that they used to enjoy\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The strategies they are trying to manage their child’s anxiety don’t seem to be helping or are making the anxiety worse\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The child has been exposed to a traumatic situation which is causing anxiety\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The child’s anxiety seems to be getting worse over time\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If you do think your child needs professional help, ask your pediatrician or school counselor for a referral to a psychologist, doctor or other mental health professional. They may conduct an evaluation, which will likely involve some questionnaires and talking to you and your child about their symptoms. After the evaluation, you will be told whether your child meets criteria for an anxiety disorder and what your treatment options might be.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Therapy and medication are very effective for treating childhood anxiety. In particular,\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa0804633\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps most children with anxiety show improvement in symptoms\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-019-00303-2\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also finds that therapy with “in-session exposure” (translation: exposing children to what makes them anxious during the therapy session) may help to improve anxiety symptoms. Parents can ask providers whether they have been trained in CBT and use exposure in their sessions in order to determine if their approach is backed by research.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"How do you know if your child has anxiety? How do you know whether to seek help? Child psychologist answers parent questions about anxiety disorders.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1697632517,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":18,"wordCount":1798},"headData":{"title":"How parents can recognize and help a child with anxiety | KQED","description":"How do you know if your child has anxiety? How do you know whether to seek help? Child psychologist answers parent questions about anxiety disorders.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"How do you know if your child has anxiety? How do you know whether to seek help? Child psychologist answers parent questions about anxiety disorders."},"nprByline":"Cara Goodwin, \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.org\" target=\"_blank\">The Parenting Translator\u003c/a>","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/62628/how-parents-can-recognize-and-help-a-child-with-anxiety","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/how-to-help-your-anxious-child\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health concern in children. The rates of children with anxiety have been growing dramatically. In 2021, a meta-analysis (translation: a study that combines data from all previous studies) found that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2782796\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">20.5% of children worldwide have symptoms of anxiety\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This post will help parents address many of your common questions on anxiety, including:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How do you know if your child has anxiety?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What are the common anxiety disorders in children?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Is your child’s anxiety your “fault” as a parent?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What can you do to help your child?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When and how should you seek professional help for your child?\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>How do you know if your child has anxiety?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It is very normal for children to have fears that seem irrational or out of proportion to the danger actually posed, such as being afraid of the dark or worried about their parents leaving. However, most children seem to outgrow these fears with age and/or the fears do not interfere with the child’s ability to make friends, go to school, sleep or engage in other activities that are important to the child and the family. Parents should be concerned if the fear or anxiety does not seem typical for their age or if it starts to interfere with important activities for your child, such as sleep, school or important family activities.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Children with anxiety may show some of the following symptoms:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Complaining of stomach or head problems\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Difficulty falling or staying asleep\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Difficulty concentrating\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Seeming overly tired or on edge\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Excessive worrying\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Avoiding certain things or activities\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Irritability or being more prone to anger\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It is also important to note that anxiety can look different in children than in adults. For children, it is common that anxiety involves physical complaints (stomachache, headache or being tired or unable to sleep) or looks more like irritability and anger than nervousness. Young children also may not be able to describe their anxious thoughts or even accept that their thoughts are irrational or unreasonable. Older children may know their thoughts are unreasonable but not be able to control them or still feel anxious.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety in children can include any of the following diagnoses:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Generalized anxiety disorder\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Children with generalized anxiety disorder show a general pattern of anxiety that is not specific to a particular object or event. They worry constantly about a variety of topics and show physical signs of anxiety, such as stomaches or a racing heart). Their anxiety is so distressing that it interferes with school and other activities.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Separation anxiety disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Most children don’t like being separated from their primary caregivers but children with separation anxiety disorder show an extreme response to separation that is more intense or lasts longer than other children their age. They may refuse separation or worry that something may happen to the caregiver while they are away.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Social anxiety disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Children with social anxiety disorder are very afraid of social situations. Older children may be very worried about being judged or viewed negatively by others. This could result in school avoidance or avoiding other types of social situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Panic disorder:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Panic disorder is diagnosed when children have regular, unpredictable panic attacks and have a persistent worry about having another one. A panic attack may involve a sudden feeling of heart pounding, trouble breathing, dizziness or feeling shaky and sweaty.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Specific phobias:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> A specific phobia is strong fear about a particular situation or object. These fears are so intense that they cause extreme distress and/or stop the child from going places or doing things they want to do. Common examples include going to the doctor or dentist, dogs, thunderstorms and vomit.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Selective mutism\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Selective mutism occurs when children have trouble talking or refuse to talk in situations that are new or uncomfortable for them. They do not have trouble communicating with familiar people in familiar situations but they only have trouble talking in anxiety-provoking situations.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Is your child’s anxiety your “fault” as a parent?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">meta-analysis\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(translation: a study which combines data from all previous studies on the topic) found that only 4% of the variance in child anxiety is related to parenting. This means that most cases of childhood anxiety are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">caused or made worse by parenting. For most children, there is nothing you did or did not do to cause your child’s anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">However, just because parenting is unlikely to have caused anxiety, it does not mean that there is nothing you can do to help your child learn how to cope with anxiety or reduce their experience of anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What can I do to help my child?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research finds that parents may play a clear role in helping their child to cope with anxiety. In fact, a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30851397/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that training parents in effective ways to manage their child’s anxiety was just as effective in reducing anxiety symptoms as direct child therapy.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So what can you do to help your anxious child, according to research?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Explain what anxiety is and take away the shame:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Explain to your child that there is nothing wrong with them and that anxiety itself is not “bad”— anxiety is there to protect them. You can describe their brain as being more likely to have “false alarms” meaning their brain is telling them there is danger when really they are safe. Explain that this happens to everyone and maybe even give an example of when it happened to you as a child or an adult.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>When your child is anxious, avoid any “accommodating behaviors”:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Be careful not to provide too much reassurance or help the child to avoid what makes them anxious. These are called “accommodating behaviors” by psychologists. Many well-intentioned parents of anxious children get in the pattern of shielding their child or avoiding anything that might trigger anxiety. Yet, we know from\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3932435/\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> that avoiding anxiety-provoking events only makes anxiety worse and keeps the child reliant on their parents coping with the situation for them so they don’t learn skills for coping with their anxiety independently. It also reinforces that the situation is something they should be afraid of (since even their parents seem worried) and communicates to children that they are not capable of handling it on their own. Examples can include always speaking for a shy child, answering repetitive questions when a child is worried about something or avoiding events that might make your child anxious.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Validate and empathize with anxiety:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> At the same time, parents also do not want to ignore or invalidate their child’s anxiety. They should acknowledge that the child’s anxiety is “real” and is difficult for them, even if it seems irrational to the parent. For example: “I can tell that was really scary for you.”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage children to face their fears:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> After acknowledging and empathizing with their child’s anxiety, parents should then encourage them to gradually and gently face their fears. Parents should work with their children to take “baby steps” to facing their fears. For example: “This really makes you feel nervous but I know you can handle it.”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Praise any “brave” behavior:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> When children successfully face their fears or even when they take a “baby step” toward facing their fears, parents should give children a lot of praise and positive attention. When doing this, parents should acknowledge that the child was anxious and that it was very difficult but they did it anyway, rather than invalidating their experience with something like “See, that wasn’t so bad!”\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Help your child learn to tolerate uncertainty:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Many children and adults with anxiety will try to avoid anxiety by reducing uncertainty in their environment. Help your child to face uncertainty and learn to tolerate uncertainty by gradually exposing them to more uncertainty in their environment. This could include not answering repetitive questions, packing them a slightly different snack every day, trying out new activities even if they are nervous, driving a different way to school or changing the order of a routine.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Encourage your child’s independence and ability to make choices on their own\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Allow your child the freedom to make mistakes, take risks and even make the “wrong” decision.\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that parents who are overly controlling are more likely to have a child with anxiety. Although this parenting practice could reflect the parents’ anxiety themselves, it also makes sense that this behavior may hurt children’s confidence.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>When and how do I seek professional help?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although parents can certainly help their children to cope with anxiety, it is also important to seek professional help when needed for childhood anxiety.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How do you know if you need to seek help? Parents should seek help for any of the following reasons:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Their child’s anxiety seems to be interfering with important functions such as sleep, eating, school or activities that they used to enjoy\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The strategies they are trying to manage their child’s anxiety don’t seem to be helping or are making the anxiety worse\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The child has been exposed to a traumatic situation which is causing anxiety\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The child’s anxiety seems to be getting worse over time\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If you do think your child needs professional help, ask your pediatrician or school counselor for a referral to a psychologist, doctor or other mental health professional. They may conduct an evaluation, which will likely involve some questionnaires and talking to you and your child about their symptoms. After the evaluation, you will be told whether your child meets criteria for an anxiety disorder and what your treatment options might be.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Therapy and medication are very effective for treating childhood anxiety. In particular,\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa0804633\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps most children with anxiety show improvement in symptoms\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-019-00303-2\"> \u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also finds that therapy with “in-session exposure” (translation: exposing children to what makes them anxious during the therapy session) may help to improve anxiety symptoms. Parents can ask providers whether they have been trained in CBT and use exposure in their sessions in order to determine if their approach is backed by research.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/62628/how-parents-can-recognize-and-help-a-child-with-anxiety","authors":["byline_mindshift_62628"],"categories":["mindshift_21280","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_20589","mindshift_21827","mindshift_20865","mindshift_20568","mindshift_21706","mindshift_21749","mindshift_381"],"featImg":"mindshift_62629","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_62478":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_62478","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"62478","score":null,"sort":[1696440384000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"student-loans-for-parents-can-be-a-debt-trap-but-theres-a-loophole","title":"Student loans for parents can be a debt trap. But there's a loophole","publishDate":1696440384,"format":"standard","headTitle":"Student loans for parents can be a debt trap. But there’s a loophole | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>Carlos Sanchez of McAllen, Texas, took out an enormous amount of federal student loan debt to make sure his children could attend college.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“As my third child makes her way through her senior year in college, I now have what amounts to about $160,000 in parent PLUS loans,” Sanchez, 63, told NPR. He likely won’t have them paid off (or qualify for debt forgiveness) until he’s in his 80s, “which is an extraordinary journey for me,” he said, given that he’s approaching retirement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m just hoping to see if there is some relief.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For Sanchez and millions of other parents and caregivers, that relief could come through a loophole in federal law — a loophole that could help them access a more forgiving payment plan and ultimately shed debts that might otherwise follow them for the rest of their lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That is, if they know about it. Few do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The U.S. Department of Education won’t discuss this loophole. And if a borrower calls their loan servicer and asks about it, the call center worker will likely greet the question with a confused silence. It’s called the double-consolidation loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>The parent PLUS debt trap\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>According to federal data, 3.7 million Americans hold $111 billion in debt from parent PLUS loans. Though they’re federal loans, if you close one eye and squint at them sideways, parent PLUS loans look an awful lot like a bear trap. The interest rate is far higher than the rate on a standard undergraduate loan — 8.05% versus 5.50% — and parents don’t have easy access to the low monthly payments of income-based repayment plans. There’s also virtually no limit on how much families can borrow. Which can be good. Or calamitous.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the ideal, parent PLUS loans can be engines of equity, helping low-income families and families of color send their children to schools that, because of cost and generational wealth gaps, might otherwise be out of reach. But research suggests that these loans often become the opposite: drivers of inequity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Because low-income families, and especially Black and Latino/a parents, are disproportionately taking out Parent PLUS loans, their heavy use and unfavorable terms and conditions exacerbate the racial wealth gap,” said a \u003ca href=\"https://tcf.org/content/report/parent-plus-borrowers-the-hidden-casualties-of-the-student-debt-crisis/\">2022 report from the Century Foundation\u003c/a> titled “Parent PLUS Borrowers: The Hidden Casualties of the Student Debt Crisis.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/09/28/1202434960/black-leader-and-activist-continue-to-push-for-student-debt-cancelation\">recent forum\u003c/a> on student loan debt, Rep. Ayanna Pressley, D-Mass., opined on this parent PLUS crisis, saying she’d “spoken to Black parents who say, ‘I’m of age to retire, but I cannot retire — because I’m still paying on loans that I took out so my baby could have a better life.'”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m \u003cem>really\u003c/em> worried about parent PLUS borrowers,” said Wisdom Cole, national director of the NAACP’s Youth & College Division.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Making matters worse, Cole said: These parent borrowers have been unfairly excluded from the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/08/08/1192703211/biden-save-plan-how-it-works\">newest, most flexible repayment plan\u003c/a>, SAVE. Cole said the NAACP had expressed its concern over this exclusion to both the Biden administration and the Education Department.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In fact, in a \u003ca href=\"https://drive.google.com/file/d/15Z6ENlR_vmTNhtcoe1jCygDw3qo7TXWp/view\">letter sent Tuesday\u003c/a>, NAACP President and CEO Derrick Johnson warned Education Secretary Miguel Cardona that “Parent PLUS borrowers face a grim reality as loan repayments restart.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Parent PLUS borrowers can’t \u003cem>officially \u003c/em>access the most forgiving payment plan\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents’ official exclusion from SAVE is a big deal. (Unofficially, this is where the loophole comes in — more on that below.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Technically, parent PLUS loan borrowers qualify for only the Standard, Graduated and Extended repayment plans, none of which take a borrower’s income into account or promise loan forgiveness after a given period of time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parent PLUS borrowers can qualify for the least flexible income-based repayment plan, known as Income-Contingent Repayment (ICR), if they consolidate their loans into a Direct Consolidation loan. But monthly payments on ICR can be high compared with those on the SAVE plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>ICR calculates payments based on 20% of a borrower’s discretionary income, while SAVE uses half that: just 10%. Also, ICR defines discretionary income as any money you earn above 100% of the \u003ca href=\"https://aspe.hhs.gov/topics/poverty-economic-mobility/poverty-guidelines\">federal poverty level\u003c/a>. Translation: Any income an individual borrower earns over $14,580 is factored into the monthly payment math. The SAVE plan, on the other hand, protects more than\u003cem> twice\u003c/em> as much of a borrower’s income, allowing anyone who earns less than roughly $33,000 to qualify for a $0 monthly payment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In short, if there were a way for parent PLUS borrowers to access SAVE, their monthly payments would be \u003cem>vastly\u003c/em> lower than they are on ICR.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s why, in Johnson’s letter, the NAACP president urges Cardona to use his authority to expand SAVE access to parent PLUS borrowers. Otherwise, he writes, “millions of families will see the resumption of crippling payments as student loan payments resume this month.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It’s unclear whether the Education Department believes it can — or will try to — do as Johnson asks. In the meantime, though, there \u003cem>is\u003c/em> a way for parents to access SAVE, through an unofficial backdoor.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>How the double-consolidation loophole works\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The federal student loan system — as well as this loophole — depend on layers, like the floors of a home. Consolidating a parent PLUS loan, for example, is like laying a rug over a hardwood floor. The Education Department and its loan servicers can see the rug — the newly consolidated loan — but they can also still see the hardwood — a parent PLUS loan — beneath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But when you consolidate a loan \u003cem>twice\u003c/em>, it’s like laying wall-to-wall carpet over it all: Servicers can no longer tell what’s beneath. And the system can prevent parent PLUS loans from qualifying for the SAVE plan only if it knows they’re parent PLUS loans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Education Department knows this is a problem.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“In the past, limitations in Department data may have enabled a parent PLUS loan that was consolidated and then re-consolidated to enroll in any [income-driven repayment] plan, despite the Department’s position that such loans are only eligible for the ICR plan,” the department \u003ca href=\"https://www.federalregister.gov/documents/2023/07/10/2023-13112/improving-income-driven-repayment-for-the-william-d-ford-federal-direct-loan-program-and-the-federal\">acknowledged in the Federal Register\u003c/a> in July. Still, it’s not immediately closing the loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, how does a borrower fit through this narrow opening?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It is complicated, and, as we said earlier, the Education Department and its servicers won’t help you with it. So if you choose to proceed, you’re on your own. Sort of.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You’ll find explainers \u003ca href=\"https://www.studentloanplanner.com/parent-plus-double-consolidation/\">here, from Student Loan Planner\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"https://thecollegeinvestor.com/43530/student-loan-double-consolidation-loophole/\">here, from the College Investor\u003c/a>. Below, we’ve reprinted \u003ca href=\"https://www.mass.gov/info-details/repayment-options-for-parent-plus-loans\">detailed instructions\u003c/a> from Massachusetts’ Office of the Attorney General, recommended for borrowers with at least two parent PLUS loans:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 1:\u003c/strong> Fill out a consolidation application online on \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/\">studentaid.gov\u003c/a> \u003cstrong>for just one\u003c/strong> Parent PLUS Loan. Pick Nelnet for the servicer. Download a copy of your application to help you with Step 2. It will contain account numbers, balance information, loan type codes, and servicer names needed for your next application.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 2: \u003c/strong>Fill out a \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/sites/default/files/Consolidation-en-us.pdf\">paper consolidation application\u003c/a> for the second Parent PLUS Loan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>On page two of the application, identify the loans that you want to include in the consolidation. Fill in information about the Parent PLUS Loan that you excluded from the consolidation application you completed on studentaid.gov.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>On page three of the paper application, identify the loans you want to exclude from the consolidation. Fill in information about the Parent PLUS Loan that you included in the application you completed on studentaid.gov.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Send the completed paper application to Aidvantage.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 3: \u003c/strong>After you have received notice from both Nelnet and Aidvantage that your two new Direct Consolidation Loans have been funded, fill out a final paper consolidation application.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>On page two, list both Direct Consolidation Loans to include them in the consolidation. You will not have any loans to exclude from this application. You can choose any servicer and send the application to that servicer.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>You can send the application to the servicer of your choice, but if you’re pursuing PSLF, send it to MOHELA.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 4: \u003c/strong>After receiving notice that your final Direct Consolidation Loan is funded, visit \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/idr/\">studentaid.gov/idr\u003c/a>, log in using your FSA ID and password, and fill out an Income-Driven Repayment plan application, choosing the SAVE plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We know. It sounds complicated and tedious. Because it is. And to be clear, NPR is not advising parent PLUS borrowers to do this; we’re simply making clear it’s an \u003cem>option\u003c/em>. At least, it’s an option until July 2025, when the Education Department says it will officially close the loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Student+loans+for+parents+can+be+a+debt+trap.+But+there%27s+a+loophole&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Until July 2025, parent PLUS borrowers can paperwork their way into a kinder, gentler repayment plan.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1696440425,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":34,"wordCount":1528},"headData":{"title":"Student loans for parents can be a debt trap. But there's a loophole | KQED","description":"Until July 2025, parent PLUS borrowers can paperwork their way into a kinder, gentler repayment plan.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"Until July 2025, parent PLUS borrowers can paperwork their way into a kinder, gentler repayment plan."},"nprByline":"Cory Turner","nprImageAgency":"Delphine Lee/NPR","nprStoryId":"1200775288","nprApiLink":"http://api.npr.org/query?id=1200775288&apiKey=MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004","nprHtmlLink":"https://www.npr.org/2023/10/04/1200775288/student-loans-parent-plus-save-plan?ft=nprml&f=1200775288","nprRetrievedStory":"1","nprPubDate":"Wed, 04 Oct 2023 05:00:00 -0400","nprStoryDate":"Wed, 04 Oct 2023 05:00:16 -0400","nprLastModifiedDate":"Wed, 04 Oct 2023 05:00:16 -0400","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/62478/student-loans-for-parents-can-be-a-debt-trap-but-theres-a-loophole","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Carlos Sanchez of McAllen, Texas, took out an enormous amount of federal student loan debt to make sure his children could attend college.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“As my third child makes her way through her senior year in college, I now have what amounts to about $160,000 in parent PLUS loans,” Sanchez, 63, told NPR. He likely won’t have them paid off (or qualify for debt forgiveness) until he’s in his 80s, “which is an extraordinary journey for me,” he said, given that he’s approaching retirement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m just hoping to see if there is some relief.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For Sanchez and millions of other parents and caregivers, that relief could come through a loophole in federal law — a loophole that could help them access a more forgiving payment plan and ultimately shed debts that might otherwise follow them for the rest of their lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That is, if they know about it. Few do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The U.S. Department of Education won’t discuss this loophole. And if a borrower calls their loan servicer and asks about it, the call center worker will likely greet the question with a confused silence. It’s called the double-consolidation loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>The parent PLUS debt trap\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>According to federal data, 3.7 million Americans hold $111 billion in debt from parent PLUS loans. Though they’re federal loans, if you close one eye and squint at them sideways, parent PLUS loans look an awful lot like a bear trap. The interest rate is far higher than the rate on a standard undergraduate loan — 8.05% versus 5.50% — and parents don’t have easy access to the low monthly payments of income-based repayment plans. There’s also virtually no limit on how much families can borrow. Which can be good. Or calamitous.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the ideal, parent PLUS loans can be engines of equity, helping low-income families and families of color send their children to schools that, because of cost and generational wealth gaps, might otherwise be out of reach. But research suggests that these loans often become the opposite: drivers of inequity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Because low-income families, and especially Black and Latino/a parents, are disproportionately taking out Parent PLUS loans, their heavy use and unfavorable terms and conditions exacerbate the racial wealth gap,” said a \u003ca href=\"https://tcf.org/content/report/parent-plus-borrowers-the-hidden-casualties-of-the-student-debt-crisis/\">2022 report from the Century Foundation\u003c/a> titled “Parent PLUS Borrowers: The Hidden Casualties of the Student Debt Crisis.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At a \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/09/28/1202434960/black-leader-and-activist-continue-to-push-for-student-debt-cancelation\">recent forum\u003c/a> on student loan debt, Rep. Ayanna Pressley, D-Mass., opined on this parent PLUS crisis, saying she’d “spoken to Black parents who say, ‘I’m of age to retire, but I cannot retire — because I’m still paying on loans that I took out so my baby could have a better life.'”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m \u003cem>really\u003c/em> worried about parent PLUS borrowers,” said Wisdom Cole, national director of the NAACP’s Youth & College Division.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Making matters worse, Cole said: These parent borrowers have been unfairly excluded from the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/08/08/1192703211/biden-save-plan-how-it-works\">newest, most flexible repayment plan\u003c/a>, SAVE. Cole said the NAACP had expressed its concern over this exclusion to both the Biden administration and the Education Department.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In fact, in a \u003ca href=\"https://drive.google.com/file/d/15Z6ENlR_vmTNhtcoe1jCygDw3qo7TXWp/view\">letter sent Tuesday\u003c/a>, NAACP President and CEO Derrick Johnson warned Education Secretary Miguel Cardona that “Parent PLUS borrowers face a grim reality as loan repayments restart.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Parent PLUS borrowers can’t \u003cem>officially \u003c/em>access the most forgiving payment plan\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents’ official exclusion from SAVE is a big deal. (Unofficially, this is where the loophole comes in — more on that below.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Technically, parent PLUS loan borrowers qualify for only the Standard, Graduated and Extended repayment plans, none of which take a borrower’s income into account or promise loan forgiveness after a given period of time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parent PLUS borrowers can qualify for the least flexible income-based repayment plan, known as Income-Contingent Repayment (ICR), if they consolidate their loans into a Direct Consolidation loan. But monthly payments on ICR can be high compared with those on the SAVE plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>ICR calculates payments based on 20% of a borrower’s discretionary income, while SAVE uses half that: just 10%. Also, ICR defines discretionary income as any money you earn above 100% of the \u003ca href=\"https://aspe.hhs.gov/topics/poverty-economic-mobility/poverty-guidelines\">federal poverty level\u003c/a>. Translation: Any income an individual borrower earns over $14,580 is factored into the monthly payment math. The SAVE plan, on the other hand, protects more than\u003cem> twice\u003c/em> as much of a borrower’s income, allowing anyone who earns less than roughly $33,000 to qualify for a $0 monthly payment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In short, if there were a way for parent PLUS borrowers to access SAVE, their monthly payments would be \u003cem>vastly\u003c/em> lower than they are on ICR.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s why, in Johnson’s letter, the NAACP president urges Cardona to use his authority to expand SAVE access to parent PLUS borrowers. Otherwise, he writes, “millions of families will see the resumption of crippling payments as student loan payments resume this month.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It’s unclear whether the Education Department believes it can — or will try to — do as Johnson asks. In the meantime, though, there \u003cem>is\u003c/em> a way for parents to access SAVE, through an unofficial backdoor.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>How the double-consolidation loophole works\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The federal student loan system — as well as this loophole — depend on layers, like the floors of a home. Consolidating a parent PLUS loan, for example, is like laying a rug over a hardwood floor. The Education Department and its loan servicers can see the rug — the newly consolidated loan — but they can also still see the hardwood — a parent PLUS loan — beneath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But when you consolidate a loan \u003cem>twice\u003c/em>, it’s like laying wall-to-wall carpet over it all: Servicers can no longer tell what’s beneath. And the system can prevent parent PLUS loans from qualifying for the SAVE plan only if it knows they’re parent PLUS loans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Education Department knows this is a problem.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“In the past, limitations in Department data may have enabled a parent PLUS loan that was consolidated and then re-consolidated to enroll in any [income-driven repayment] plan, despite the Department’s position that such loans are only eligible for the ICR plan,” the department \u003ca href=\"https://www.federalregister.gov/documents/2023/07/10/2023-13112/improving-income-driven-repayment-for-the-william-d-ford-federal-direct-loan-program-and-the-federal\">acknowledged in the Federal Register\u003c/a> in July. Still, it’s not immediately closing the loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, how does a borrower fit through this narrow opening?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It is complicated, and, as we said earlier, the Education Department and its servicers won’t help you with it. So if you choose to proceed, you’re on your own. Sort of.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You’ll find explainers \u003ca href=\"https://www.studentloanplanner.com/parent-plus-double-consolidation/\">here, from Student Loan Planner\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"https://thecollegeinvestor.com/43530/student-loan-double-consolidation-loophole/\">here, from the College Investor\u003c/a>. Below, we’ve reprinted \u003ca href=\"https://www.mass.gov/info-details/repayment-options-for-parent-plus-loans\">detailed instructions\u003c/a> from Massachusetts’ Office of the Attorney General, recommended for borrowers with at least two parent PLUS loans:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 1:\u003c/strong> Fill out a consolidation application online on \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/\">studentaid.gov\u003c/a> \u003cstrong>for just one\u003c/strong> Parent PLUS Loan. Pick Nelnet for the servicer. Download a copy of your application to help you with Step 2. It will contain account numbers, balance information, loan type codes, and servicer names needed for your next application.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 2: \u003c/strong>Fill out a \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/sites/default/files/Consolidation-en-us.pdf\">paper consolidation application\u003c/a> for the second Parent PLUS Loan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>On page two of the application, identify the loans that you want to include in the consolidation. Fill in information about the Parent PLUS Loan that you excluded from the consolidation application you completed on studentaid.gov.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>On page three of the paper application, identify the loans you want to exclude from the consolidation. Fill in information about the Parent PLUS Loan that you included in the application you completed on studentaid.gov.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Send the completed paper application to Aidvantage.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 3: \u003c/strong>After you have received notice from both Nelnet and Aidvantage that your two new Direct Consolidation Loans have been funded, fill out a final paper consolidation application.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>On page two, list both Direct Consolidation Loans to include them in the consolidation. You will not have any loans to exclude from this application. You can choose any servicer and send the application to that servicer.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>You can send the application to the servicer of your choice, but if you’re pursuing PSLF, send it to MOHELA.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Step 4: \u003c/strong>After receiving notice that your final Direct Consolidation Loan is funded, visit \u003ca href=\"https://studentaid.gov/idr/\">studentaid.gov/idr\u003c/a>, log in using your FSA ID and password, and fill out an Income-Driven Repayment plan application, choosing the SAVE plan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We know. It sounds complicated and tedious. Because it is. And to be clear, NPR is not advising parent PLUS borrowers to do this; we’re simply making clear it’s an \u003cem>option\u003c/em>. At least, it’s an option until July 2025, when the Education Department says it will officially close the loophole.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Student+loans+for+parents+can+be+a+debt+trap.+But+there%27s+a+loophole&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/62478/student-loans-for-parents-can-be-a-debt-trap-but-theres-a-loophole","authors":["byline_mindshift_62478"],"categories":["mindshift_21694","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21261","mindshift_21305","mindshift_21811","mindshift_21810","mindshift_21809","mindshift_21812","mindshift_20568","mindshift_290","mindshift_21376","mindshift_21408"],"featImg":"mindshift_62479","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_62457":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_62457","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"62457","score":null,"sort":[1695822338000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"parents-are-you-overindulging-your-kid-this-4-question-test-can-help-you-find-out","title":"Parents, are you overindulging your kid? This 4-question test can help you find out","publishDate":1695822338,"format":"standard","headTitle":"Parents, are you overindulging your kid? This 4-question test can help you find out | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>Parents, does this scenario sound familiar to you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You’re at the grocery store and your four-year-old starts screaming because they want you to buy them candy. For a myriad of reasons — they’re crying and distressed, you’re exhausted and embarrassed — you surrender to their demands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is what overindulgent parenting can look like, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.familywisenw.com/therapists-1\">Lauren Silvers\u003c/a>, a child psychologist based in Washington state who specializes in children with social and behavioral problems. It’s when you give in to your child’s whims and desires because you don’t want to see them frustrated or uncomfortable, or want to avoid conflict.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This can be harmful to a child’s development if it becomes routine, says Silvers. “There are lots of negative outcomes associated with overindulgence, anything from over-dependence on others and being unable to learn necessary life lessons.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/fare.12853\">Research has shown\u003c/a> that this kind of parenting is associated with children who have low self-control, social anxiety such as fear of missing out, general anxiety, stress and low life satisfaction, says \u003ca href=\"https://healthandhumansciences.fsu.edu/departments/hdfs/faculty-staff/ming-cui/\">Ming Cui\u003c/a>, a professor at the Department of Human Development and Family Science at Florida State University. On the other hand, she says, children who have experienced less overindulgence \u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/smi.1426\">are likelier\u003c/a> to exhibit “higher levels of emotional regulation, better problem-solving skills and coping abilities.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how do you know if you’re overindulging your kid? And how do you raise your child to become a healthy, independent and responsible adult? Silvers and Cui share a 4-question test and helpful guidance for parents — including how to start enforcing new ground rules at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What is ‘overindulgent parenting’?\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Unlike spoiling a kid, which is about catering to a child’s needs and wants for the sake of the child, overindulgence is about the adult — the caretaker “having some sort of need or discomfort they’re trying to alleviate, whether or not it’s in [the child’s] best interest,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This form of parenting comes in many forms, she adds. Researchers have identified three types:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Material overindulgence: \u003c/strong>This is when you acquiesce to your child’s material demands, like a toy or a treat. “It is our job as parents to say enough is enough,” says Silvers.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Relational indulgence:\u003c/strong> This happens when “parents tend to do more for their kids than their kids actually need them to be doing,” says Silvers. “Parents are over-functioning and then it causes the child to under-function.” As a result, kids don’t learn developmentally appropriate tasks.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Structural indulgence:\u003c/strong> This happens when parents struggle to set and enforce rules, says Silvers. “Kids don’t like rules or being told ‘no,’ but they need them. They need to learn a sense of responsibility and know where the boundaries are so they know where they can feel safe.”\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>Questions for parents: ‘The Test of Four’\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents can determine whether they are overindulging their kids by taking the “\u003ca href=\"https://extension.umn.edu/how-counter-overindulgence-parenting/overindulgence-test-four#sources-579460\">The Test of Four\u003c/a>,” a set of questions co-developed by the late teacher and parent-educator \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/How-Much-Enough-Overindulgence-Responsible/dp/1569244375\">Jean Illsley Clarke\u003c/a>. It asks parents to examine their own relationships with their children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, it’s a signal that you may be overindulging your child, says Silvers. This test can be used for children of all ages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>1. Are my actions hindering my child from learning tasks that support their development?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This question gets at your child’s ability to achieve age-appropriate developmental milestones, says Silvers. If you are doing tasks for your kids such as “packing their lunch, cleaning their room or tying their shoes,” and they’re at an age when they should be able to do those things for themselves, then you’re holding them back from “their [ability to learn] new life skills.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>2. Am I giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you are giving more money, space, time, energy or attention to your kids than a situation calls for, “that places a burden on the family and takes away from where those resources might be needed,” says Silvers. Parents shouldn’t be going into debt to pay for a toy they can’t afford or spending all their free time doing child-centric activities just to keep their child happy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>3. Do the choices I make exist to benefit me, the adult, more than the child?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you are giving in [to your child] to keep yourself comfortable and to keep the day flowing, then there is a problem with overindulgence,” says Silvers. For example, steering clear of the toy aisle to avoid the headache of having to deal with a potential tantrum. Even though that may help the parents stay calm in the moment, it doesn’t serve the child in the long term, she adds. Kids need to learn that not having their way is OK.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>4. Does the child’s behavior potentially harm others, society or the planet in some way?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you are allowing your child to do something that is harmful, disrespectful or defiant, or breaks a rule or infringes on somebody else’s rights, that’s a sign that there is overindulgence,” says Silvers. That includes throwing trash on the ground or wanting the largest piece of cake at a birthday gathering. Kids should understand that they have a responsibility to behave appropriately, she adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Breaking the cycle of overindulgent parenting\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>If you said yes to one or more of these questions, here is what you can do to set boundaries with your kid and set them up for emotional growth and independence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Learn to say ‘no’ \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pick one area where you might be overindulging your child and say “no,” says Silvers. For example, if you usually let your kid ditch chores, like loading the dishwasher after dinner, because they whine about it, try a new approach.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time they ask if they can do the dishes later (which for some kids, may be code for “can’t you just do it?”) say “no.” Kids need to know how to contribute to their household — and a little responsibility is a great way to boost a child’s self-esteem. The computer game they wanted to play first will be waiting for them after they finish the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When you say “no,” make sure you follow through. That builds trust and shows kids you mean what you say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Silvers acknowledges that saying “no” is hard on the parent. So get comfortable with the feeling of “your children being upset with you for hearing ‘no,’ ” she adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Make changes slowly \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don’t change all the rules overnight, says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you do, she warns, “they’re not going to react favorably. There is going to be a big emotional reaction if all of a sudden things go from being one way to completely different.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Work up to a new rule or chore gradually, says Silvers. For example, if you tell your child you want them to be responsible for packing their own lunch, help them out the first few weeks. You might say, “I will make your sandwich for you [to put in your lunchbox], you pack your fruit,” she says. After a few days, you might start laying out the ingredients for them to assemble their own sandwich. Before you know it, they’ll be packing the whole thing themselves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Give kids room to learn and grow\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Allow your child to do things incorrectly so they can figure it out, says Silvers. Your kid may not be great at making their own sandwich the first time around, but that’s how kids learn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While it might be easier and faster for you to do tasks for your child without their help, like picking up their toys after playtime, Silvers says this teaches kids that parents or caregivers will just do things for them. It tells them, “I can make messes and I don’t have to clean them up. Mommy will make sure I have everything I need.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And it doesn’t set our kids up for real life. “In the real world, you are not there to pick up their stuff or make sure they have all their belongings. And so it’s important we take the time to teach our kids,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Help kids earn what they want \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how should caregivers deal with a kid who demands, say, dessert every night or extra screen time?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Silvers says this is the perfect opportunity to teach them how to \u003cem>earn\u003c/em> what they want. Just as parents have to work and save money to pay for things, kids should put in a little effort as well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let’s say you’re at the toy store and your child really wants a new Lego set, but it’s pricey — over $150. In the moment, you can say, “that looks like a really cool toy. Let’s talk about it once we get home,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then you can make a plan with your child to help them earn that toy. Maybe you create a sticker chart or set up a marble jar to track when they do a good deed or complete a chore, like taking out the garbage. When they reach whatever goal you both agreed to, then they can get their toy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The conversation may make your child realize: “If I have to work for it, do I really want it that bad?” says Silvers. “Or would it just be cool to have it because somebody else is paying for it and I can get it right this second?” If they still want it, then it’s a great opportunity to teach them that we have to work for the things we want.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The audio portion of this episode was edited by Sylvie Douglis and produced by Carly Rubin. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Kaz Fantone. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"tel:2022169823\">\u003cem>202-216-9823\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, or email us at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"mailto:LifeKit@npr.org\">\u003cem>LifeKit@npr.org\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Listen to Life Kit on\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3LdRb0X\">\u003cem> Apple Podcasts\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> and\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3K3xVln\">\u003cem> Spotify\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, and sign up for our\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3xN1tB9\">\u003cem> newsletter\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Parents%2C+are+you+overindulging+your+kid%3F+This+4-question+test+can+help+you+find+out&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Giving in to your kid too much can be harmful to their development. Take the 'Test of Four' to examine your relationship with your child — then find out how to say 'no' and enforce rules that stick.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1696254725,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":42,"wordCount":1823},"headData":{"title":"Parents, are you overindulging your kid? This 4-question test can help you find out | KQED","description":"Giving in to your kid too much can be harmful to their development. Find out how to say 'no' and enforce rules that stick.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"Giving in to your kid too much can be harmful to their development. Find out how to say 'no' and enforce rules that stick."},"nprByline":"Diana Opong","nprImageAgency":"Kaz Fantone/NPR","nprStoryId":"1199885688","nprApiLink":"http://api.npr.org/query?id=1199885688&profileTypeId=15&apiKey=MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004","nprHtmlLink":"https://www.npr.org/2023/09/16/1199885688/the-consequences-of-overindulging-your-kids?ft=nprml&f=1199885688","nprRetrievedStory":"1","nprPubDate":"Thu, 21 Sep 2023 13:59:00 -0400","nprStoryDate":"Mon, 18 Sep 2023 05:57:28 -0400","nprLastModifiedDate":"Mon, 25 Sep 2023 13:40:49 -0400","nprAudio":"https://play.podtrac.com/npr-510338/traffic.megaphone.fm/NPR1086486104.mp3?orgId=1&topicId=1164&aggIds=676529561&p=510338&e=1199885688&size=19259604&d=1203&t=podcast&ft=nprml&f=1199885688,https://play.podtrac.com/npr-510338/ondemand.npr.org/anon.npr-mp3/npr/lifekit/2023/09/20230918_lifekit_89b10758-dc8c-414b-bad9-32364afd309b.mp3?orgId=1&topicId=1164&aggIds=676529561&d=1203&p=510338&story=1199885688&t=podcast&e=1199885688&ft=nprml&f=1199885688","nprAudioM3u":"http://api.npr.org/m3u/11199969956-41ed5c.m3u?orgId=1&topicId=1164&aggIds=676529561&p=510338&e=1199885688&size=19259604&d=1203&t=podcast&ft=nprml&f=1199885688,http://api.npr.org/m3u/11200804205-e6be5f.m3u?orgId=1&topicId=1164&aggIds=676529561&d=1203&p=510338&story=1199885688&t=podcast&e=1199885688&ft=nprml&f=1199885688","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/62457/parents-are-you-overindulging-your-kid-this-4-question-test-can-help-you-find-out","audioUrl":"https://play.podtrac.com/npr-510338/traffic.megaphone.fm/NPR1086486104.mp3?orgId=1&topicId=1164&aggIds=676529561&p=510338&e=1199885688&size=19259604&d=1203&t=podcast&ft=nprml&f=1199885688,https://play.podtrac.com/npr-510338/ondemand.npr.org/anon.npr-mp3/npr/lifekit/2023/09/20230918_lifekit_89b10758-dc8c-414b-bad9-32364afd309b.mp3?orgId=1&topicId=1164&aggIds=676529561&d=1203&p=510338&story=1199885688&t=podcast&e=1199885688&ft=nprml&f=1199885688","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Parents, does this scenario sound familiar to you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You’re at the grocery store and your four-year-old starts screaming because they want you to buy them candy. For a myriad of reasons — they’re crying and distressed, you’re exhausted and embarrassed — you surrender to their demands.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is what overindulgent parenting can look like, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.familywisenw.com/therapists-1\">Lauren Silvers\u003c/a>, a child psychologist based in Washington state who specializes in children with social and behavioral problems. It’s when you give in to your child’s whims and desires because you don’t want to see them frustrated or uncomfortable, or want to avoid conflict.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This can be harmful to a child’s development if it becomes routine, says Silvers. “There are lots of negative outcomes associated with overindulgence, anything from over-dependence on others and being unable to learn necessary life lessons.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/fare.12853\">Research has shown\u003c/a> that this kind of parenting is associated with children who have low self-control, social anxiety such as fear of missing out, general anxiety, stress and low life satisfaction, says \u003ca href=\"https://healthandhumansciences.fsu.edu/departments/hdfs/faculty-staff/ming-cui/\">Ming Cui\u003c/a>, a professor at the Department of Human Development and Family Science at Florida State University. On the other hand, she says, children who have experienced less overindulgence \u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/smi.1426\">are likelier\u003c/a> to exhibit “higher levels of emotional regulation, better problem-solving skills and coping abilities.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how do you know if you’re overindulging your kid? And how do you raise your child to become a healthy, independent and responsible adult? Silvers and Cui share a 4-question test and helpful guidance for parents — including how to start enforcing new ground rules at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What is ‘overindulgent parenting’?\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Unlike spoiling a kid, which is about catering to a child’s needs and wants for the sake of the child, overindulgence is about the adult — the caretaker “having some sort of need or discomfort they’re trying to alleviate, whether or not it’s in [the child’s] best interest,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This form of parenting comes in many forms, she adds. Researchers have identified three types:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Material overindulgence: \u003c/strong>This is when you acquiesce to your child’s material demands, like a toy or a treat. “It is our job as parents to say enough is enough,” says Silvers.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Relational indulgence:\u003c/strong> This happens when “parents tend to do more for their kids than their kids actually need them to be doing,” says Silvers. “Parents are over-functioning and then it causes the child to under-function.” As a result, kids don’t learn developmentally appropriate tasks.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Structural indulgence:\u003c/strong> This happens when parents struggle to set and enforce rules, says Silvers. “Kids don’t like rules or being told ‘no,’ but they need them. They need to learn a sense of responsibility and know where the boundaries are so they know where they can feel safe.”\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>Questions for parents: ‘The Test of Four’\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents can determine whether they are overindulging their kids by taking the “\u003ca href=\"https://extension.umn.edu/how-counter-overindulgence-parenting/overindulgence-test-four#sources-579460\">The Test of Four\u003c/a>,” a set of questions co-developed by the late teacher and parent-educator \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/How-Much-Enough-Overindulgence-Responsible/dp/1569244375\">Jean Illsley Clarke\u003c/a>. It asks parents to examine their own relationships with their children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, it’s a signal that you may be overindulging your child, says Silvers. This test can be used for children of all ages.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>1. Are my actions hindering my child from learning tasks that support their development?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This question gets at your child’s ability to achieve age-appropriate developmental milestones, says Silvers. If you are doing tasks for your kids such as “packing their lunch, cleaning their room or tying their shoes,” and they’re at an age when they should be able to do those things for themselves, then you’re holding them back from “their [ability to learn] new life skills.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>2. Am I giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you are giving more money, space, time, energy or attention to your kids than a situation calls for, “that places a burden on the family and takes away from where those resources might be needed,” says Silvers. Parents shouldn’t be going into debt to pay for a toy they can’t afford or spending all their free time doing child-centric activities just to keep their child happy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>3. Do the choices I make exist to benefit me, the adult, more than the child?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you are giving in [to your child] to keep yourself comfortable and to keep the day flowing, then there is a problem with overindulgence,” says Silvers. For example, steering clear of the toy aisle to avoid the headache of having to deal with a potential tantrum. Even though that may help the parents stay calm in the moment, it doesn’t serve the child in the long term, she adds. Kids need to learn that not having their way is OK.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>4. Does the child’s behavior potentially harm others, society or the planet in some way?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you are allowing your child to do something that is harmful, disrespectful or defiant, or breaks a rule or infringes on somebody else’s rights, that’s a sign that there is overindulgence,” says Silvers. That includes throwing trash on the ground or wanting the largest piece of cake at a birthday gathering. Kids should understand that they have a responsibility to behave appropriately, she adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Breaking the cycle of overindulgent parenting\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>If you said yes to one or more of these questions, here is what you can do to set boundaries with your kid and set them up for emotional growth and independence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Learn to say ‘no’ \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pick one area where you might be overindulging your child and say “no,” says Silvers. For example, if you usually let your kid ditch chores, like loading the dishwasher after dinner, because they whine about it, try a new approach.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next time they ask if they can do the dishes later (which for some kids, may be code for “can’t you just do it?”) say “no.” Kids need to know how to contribute to their household — and a little responsibility is a great way to boost a child’s self-esteem. The computer game they wanted to play first will be waiting for them after they finish the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When you say “no,” make sure you follow through. That builds trust and shows kids you mean what you say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Silvers acknowledges that saying “no” is hard on the parent. So get comfortable with the feeling of “your children being upset with you for hearing ‘no,’ ” she adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Make changes slowly \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don’t change all the rules overnight, says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you do, she warns, “they’re not going to react favorably. There is going to be a big emotional reaction if all of a sudden things go from being one way to completely different.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Work up to a new rule or chore gradually, says Silvers. For example, if you tell your child you want them to be responsible for packing their own lunch, help them out the first few weeks. You might say, “I will make your sandwich for you [to put in your lunchbox], you pack your fruit,” she says. After a few days, you might start laying out the ingredients for them to assemble their own sandwich. Before you know it, they’ll be packing the whole thing themselves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Give kids room to learn and grow\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Allow your child to do things incorrectly so they can figure it out, says Silvers. Your kid may not be great at making their own sandwich the first time around, but that’s how kids learn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While it might be easier and faster for you to do tasks for your child without their help, like picking up their toys after playtime, Silvers says this teaches kids that parents or caregivers will just do things for them. It tells them, “I can make messes and I don’t have to clean them up. Mommy will make sure I have everything I need.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And it doesn’t set our kids up for real life. “In the real world, you are not there to pick up their stuff or make sure they have all their belongings. And so it’s important we take the time to teach our kids,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Help kids earn what they want \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how should caregivers deal with a kid who demands, say, dessert every night or extra screen time?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Silvers says this is the perfect opportunity to teach them how to \u003cem>earn\u003c/em> what they want. Just as parents have to work and save money to pay for things, kids should put in a little effort as well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let’s say you’re at the toy store and your child really wants a new Lego set, but it’s pricey — over $150. In the moment, you can say, “that looks like a really cool toy. Let’s talk about it once we get home,” says Silvers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then you can make a plan with your child to help them earn that toy. Maybe you create a sticker chart or set up a marble jar to track when they do a good deed or complete a chore, like taking out the garbage. When they reach whatever goal you both agreed to, then they can get their toy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The conversation may make your child realize: “If I have to work for it, do I really want it that bad?” says Silvers. “Or would it just be cool to have it because somebody else is paying for it and I can get it right this second?” If they still want it, then it’s a great opportunity to teach them that we have to work for the things we want.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The audio portion of this episode was edited by Sylvie Douglis and produced by Carly Rubin. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Kaz Fantone. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"tel:2022169823\">\u003cem>202-216-9823\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, or email us at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"mailto:LifeKit@npr.org\">\u003cem>LifeKit@npr.org\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Listen to Life Kit on\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3LdRb0X\">\u003cem> Apple Podcasts\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> and\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3K3xVln\">\u003cem> Spotify\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, and sign up for our\u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3xN1tB9\">\u003cem> newsletter\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Parents%2C+are+you+overindulging+your+kid%3F+This+4-question+test+can+help+you+find+out&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/62457/parents-are-you-overindulging-your-kid-this-4-question-test-can-help-you-find-out","authors":["byline_mindshift_62457"],"categories":["mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21507","mindshift_21807","mindshift_21808","mindshift_21806","mindshift_20568","mindshift_21038"],"featImg":"mindshift_62458","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_62004":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_62004","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"62004","score":null,"sort":[1689282003000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"so-your-tween-wants-a-smartphone-read-this-first","title":"So your tween wants a smartphone? Read this first","publishDate":1689282003,"format":"standard","headTitle":"So your tween wants a smartphone? Read this first | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>Your tween wants a smartphone \u003cem>very \u003c/em>badly. So badly that it physically hurts. And they’re giving you \u003cem>soooo \u003c/em>many reasons why.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They’re going to middle school … they need it to collaborate with peers on school projects … they need it to tell you where they are … when they’ll be home … when the school bus is late. It’ll help \u003cem>you,\u003c/em> dear parent, they vow. Plus, all their friends have one, and they feel left out. Come on! Pleeeeeease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before you click “place order” on that smartphone, pause and consider a few insights from a person who makes a living helping parents and tweens navigate the murky waters of smartphones and social media.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.thescreentimeconsultant.com/about-emily\">Emily Cherkin\u003c/a> spent more than a decade as a middle school teacher during the early aughts. She watched firsthand as the presence of smartphones transformed life for middle schoolers. For the past four years, she’s been working as screen-time consultant, coaching parents about digital technology.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her first piece of advice about when to give a child a smartphone and allow them to access social media was reiterated by other experts over and over again: Delay, delay, delay.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>“I wish I knew then what I know now”\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>“I have talked to hundreds of parents,” Cherkin explains, “and no one has ever said to me, ‘I wish I gave my kid a phone earlier’ or ‘I wish I’d given them social media access sooner.’ Never.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In fact, parents tell her the opposite. “I always hear, ‘I wish I had waited. I wish I knew then what I know now,’ ” she says, “because boy, once you give a child one of these devices or technologies, it is so much harder to take it back.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Smartphones, social media and video games create large spikes in dopamine deep inside a child’s brain. As \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61863/anti-dopamine-parenting-can-curb-a-kids-craving-for-screens-or-sweets\">NPR has reported\u003c/a>, those spikes pull the child’s attention to the device or app, almost like a magnet. They tell the child’s brain that this activity is super critical – way more critical than other activities that trigger smaller spikes in dopamine, such as finishing homework, helping to clean up after dinner, or even playing outside with friends.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thus, parents set themselves up for a constant struggle when a child starts having their own smartphone, Cherkin says. “It’s the dopamine you’re fighting. And that’s not a fair fight. So I tell parents, ‘Delay all of it just as long as you can,'” she emphasizes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That means delaying, not just a smartphone, but \u003cem>any \u003c/em>device, including tablets, she suggests. By introducing a tablet at an early age, even for educational purposes, parents can establish a habit that may be hard to break later, Cherkin has observed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“A child using a tablet at age 6 to 8 comes to expect screen time after school,” she says. “Flash forward to age 12, and now they have a phone. And when they come home from school, they’re likely engaging with social media, instead of educational videos.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Neurologically, children’s brains haven’t developed enough to handle the magnetic pull of these devices and the apps on them, says neuroscientist \u003ca href=\"https://en.samaha-lab.com/\">Anne-Noël Samaha\u003c/a> at the University of Montreal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s almost as if you have the perfect storm,” Samaha explains. “You have games, social media and even pornography and shopping online, and the brains of children are just not yet ready to have the level of self-control needed to regulate their behavior with these activities. Even adults sometimes don’t have enough self-control to do that or handle some of the emotional impact of them.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Right-size your parenting fears\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents often feel like once their tween starts moving around more autonomously through their neighborhood or town more, the child needs a smartphone to be safe, Cherkin says. “They may think, ‘Oh, my gosh! My kid is going to be kidnapped on the way to school. They need a phone to call me.’\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Cherkin notes that parents tend to overestimate the dangers of the “real world” and \u003cem>underestimate\u003c/em> the dangers of a smartphone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I think our fears are very misplaced,” she says. “We need to think about what is statistically really likely to happen versus what’s really, really unlikely.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Each year in the U.S. about a hundred children are abducted by strangers or people or slight acquaintances, the U.S. Department of Justice \u003ca href=\"https://ojjdp.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh176/files/pubs/249249.pdf\">reported\u003c/a>. Given that 50 million children, ages 6 to 17, reside in the U.S, the risk of a child being kidnapped by a stranger is about 0.0002% each year. (By comparison, the risk of being struck by lightning each year is about 0.0001%.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other hand, giving a child a phone comes with a whole new set of risks and dangers, Cherkin says. They can be difficult for some parents to understand because they may not have much firsthand experience with specific apps, and the new threats that are emerging.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in March, the nonprofit Common Sense Media \u003ca href=\"https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/report/how-girls-really-feel-about-social-media-researchreport_web_final_2.pdf\">surveyed\u003c/a> about 1,300 girls, ages 11 to 15, about their experiences on social media. Nearly 60% of the girls who use Instagram, and nearly 60% of those who use Snapchat, said they had been contacted by a stranger that makes them uncomfortable. The same was true for 46% of those who use TikTok.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Disturbing online encounters and influences\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The same survey found that these apps often expose girls to content they find disturbing or harmful. For those that use Instagram, TikTok or Snapchat, 12% to 15% of girls see or hear content related to suicide on a daily basis. About the same percentage asaid they see or hear content about eating disorders on a daily basis as well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>An investigation by the Center for Countering Digital Hate also found evidence that content related to suicide and disordered eating is relatively common on TikTok. In the \u003ca href=\"https://counterhate.com/research/deadly-by-design/\">investigation\u003c/a>, the nonprofit set up eight accounts ostensibly by 13-year-old children. Each user paused on and liked videos about body image and mental health. Within 30 minutes, TikTok recommended content about suicide and eating disorders to all eight accounts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In one instance, this content began appearing in less than three minutes. On average, TikTok suggested content about eating disorders every four minutes to the teen accounts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>TikTok declined NPR’s request for an interview, but in an email, a spokesperson for the company wrote: “We’re committed to building age-appropriate experiences, while equipping parents with tools, like\u003ca href=\"https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/newsroom.tiktok.com/en-us/new-features-for-teens-and-families-on-tiktok-us__;!!Iwwt!TXlWyyVqWw7ko1SLp-5LloOiRlujH57BqCCTBxgALe7v3MBnbuRJg9C_l2e_RGxD4vLurQazVw_k3BzUCiaeF4o%24\"> Family Pairing\u003c/a>, to support their teen’s experience on TikTok.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emma Lembke, age 20, says these findings line up with what she experienced when she first went on Instagram eight years ago. “As a 12-year-old girl, I felt like I was being constantly bombarded by bodies that I could never replicate or ones that I could try to, but it would lead me in a darker direction.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She remembers just trying to look up a healthy recipe. “And from that one search, I remember being fed constant stuff about my ‘200-calorie day’ or intermittent fasting.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she says, her feed was “covered with anorexic, thin, tiny women. Dieting pills, lollipops to suppress my appetite.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lembke developed an eating disorder. She has recovered and now is a digital advocate and founder of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.logoffmovement.org/\">Log OFF\u003c/a> project, which helps teens build healthier relationships with social media.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“When I was younger, I was being prodded and poked and fed material [on social media] that was really leading me in a direction toward an eating disorder,” she says. “I think for a lot of young women, even if it doesn’t materialize into a fully fledged eating disorder, it painfully warps their sense of self by harming their body image. ”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instagram’s parent company, Meta, declined a request for an interview. But in an email, a spokesperson said the company has invested in technology that finds and removes content related to suicide, self-injury or eating disorders before anyone reports it. “We want to reassure every parent that we have their interests at heart in the work we’re doing to provide teens with safe, supportive experiences online,” they wrote.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>A whole world of sexually explicit content\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Many children also come across sexualized content, even porn, on social media apps, Cherkin says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you want to get a sense for what your kid might encounter once you let them have a phone and popular apps, Cherkin recommends trying this: Set up a test account in one of the apps, setting the age of the user to your child’s age, and then use the account yourself for a few weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I did that with Snapchat. I set up an account, pretending to be 15. Then I just went to the Discover feed, where it pushes content to you based on your age,” she explains. Within seconds, sexualized content and vulgar images appeared, she says. “And I thought, ‘No, this is not appropriate for a 15-year-old.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Snapchat’s parent company, Snap, also declined a request for an interview with NPR. A spokesperson wrote in an email: “We have largely kept misinformation, hate speech and other potentially harmful content from spreading on Snapchat. That said, we completely understand concerns about the appropriateness of the content that may be featured, and are working to strengthen protections for teens with the aim of offering them a more age-appropriate experience.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Personally, Cherkin uses Instagram for her business. And back in March, despite all her knowledge about the traps on social media, she says she “got catfished.” She engaged with a stranger who seemed to be a teen in her DMs and eventually received obscene and disturbing photos of a man’s genitalia.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She \u003ca href=\"https://www.thescreentimeconsultant.com/think-your-kid-wont-get-porn-in-their-dms-6fd96a4dc330sourcerss-43e8070c4854------2\">writes\u003c/a> on her blog: “It’s graphic. It’s gross. And this is one teeny (lol) example of what kids and teens see ALL THE TIME.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What’s a parent to do? Consider smartphone alternatives\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In the end, Cherkin says, there are several other in-between options for tweens besides giving them their own smartphone or denying them a phone altogether. You can:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Share your phone with your tween so they can text with and call friends.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Give your tween a “dumb phone” that only allows texting and calling. For example, buy an old-school flip phone. But if that’s out of the question because it’s not cool enough (and you have extra cash to spare), you can now buy dumb phones that look like smartphones but have extremely limited functions — no easy-access to the internet, no social media. And very little risk of inappropriate content.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>Try to limit the apps your child uses, but get ready to be busy monitoring them\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>If you do end up getting your tween a smartphone, Cherkin says, you might be tempted to simply “block” children from downloading particular apps on their phones. And in theory, this works. Parental control apps, such as \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/\">Bark,\u003c/a> can notify you when an app is installed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, she says, many kids find workarounds to this approach — and really any parental controls. For instance, she says, if you block Instagram on their phone, kids can log in via the web. If you block TikTok, they might watch TikTok videos in Pinterest. Kids can find \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/blog/spotify-porn-problem/#:~:text=Spotify%2C%20Amazon%20Unlimited%2C%20YouTube%20Music,filter%20off%20after%20the%20fact.\">porn on Spotify\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Kids are way tech savvier than we are,” Cherkin wrote in an email. “Remember how we used to program the VCR for our parents?! Every single parent who comes to me for help has a variation of this same story: ‘We had X parental controls; we blocked X sites; our child figured out how to access them anyway.’ … It’s impossible to successfully block everything — and once you do, a replacement will pop up in its place.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other words, once you give your child a smartphone, you will likely be setting up yourself for a whole new series of parenting tasks and worries. Even Meta reveals this in its April \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxy14wjki6s\">ad for parental controls\u003c/a>: The mom in the ad is monitoring her son’s Instagram account while doing the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=So+your+tween+wants+a+smartphone%3F+Read+this+first&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"When's the right time to start your child with a phone? Is 12 too young? Here's what a professional screen time consultant tells parents about the risks kids face online.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1689282003,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":42,"wordCount":2147},"headData":{"title":"So your tween wants a smartphone? Read this first | KQED","description":"When's the right time to start your child with a phone? Is 12 too young? 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So badly that it physically hurts. And they’re giving you \u003cem>soooo \u003c/em>many reasons why.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They’re going to middle school … they need it to collaborate with peers on school projects … they need it to tell you where they are … when they’ll be home … when the school bus is late. It’ll help \u003cem>you,\u003c/em> dear parent, they vow. Plus, all their friends have one, and they feel left out. Come on! Pleeeeeease.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before you click “place order” on that smartphone, pause and consider a few insights from a person who makes a living helping parents and tweens navigate the murky waters of smartphones and social media.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.thescreentimeconsultant.com/about-emily\">Emily Cherkin\u003c/a> spent more than a decade as a middle school teacher during the early aughts. She watched firsthand as the presence of smartphones transformed life for middle schoolers. For the past four years, she’s been working as screen-time consultant, coaching parents about digital technology.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her first piece of advice about when to give a child a smartphone and allow them to access social media was reiterated by other experts over and over again: Delay, delay, delay.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>“I wish I knew then what I know now”\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>“I have talked to hundreds of parents,” Cherkin explains, “and no one has ever said to me, ‘I wish I gave my kid a phone earlier’ or ‘I wish I’d given them social media access sooner.’ Never.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In fact, parents tell her the opposite. “I always hear, ‘I wish I had waited. I wish I knew then what I know now,’ ” she says, “because boy, once you give a child one of these devices or technologies, it is so much harder to take it back.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Smartphones, social media and video games create large spikes in dopamine deep inside a child’s brain. As \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61863/anti-dopamine-parenting-can-curb-a-kids-craving-for-screens-or-sweets\">NPR has reported\u003c/a>, those spikes pull the child’s attention to the device or app, almost like a magnet. They tell the child’s brain that this activity is super critical – way more critical than other activities that trigger smaller spikes in dopamine, such as finishing homework, helping to clean up after dinner, or even playing outside with friends.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thus, parents set themselves up for a constant struggle when a child starts having their own smartphone, Cherkin says. “It’s the dopamine you’re fighting. And that’s not a fair fight. So I tell parents, ‘Delay all of it just as long as you can,'” she emphasizes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That means delaying, not just a smartphone, but \u003cem>any \u003c/em>device, including tablets, she suggests. By introducing a tablet at an early age, even for educational purposes, parents can establish a habit that may be hard to break later, Cherkin has observed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“A child using a tablet at age 6 to 8 comes to expect screen time after school,” she says. “Flash forward to age 12, and now they have a phone. And when they come home from school, they’re likely engaging with social media, instead of educational videos.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Neurologically, children’s brains haven’t developed enough to handle the magnetic pull of these devices and the apps on them, says neuroscientist \u003ca href=\"https://en.samaha-lab.com/\">Anne-Noël Samaha\u003c/a> at the University of Montreal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s almost as if you have the perfect storm,” Samaha explains. “You have games, social media and even pornography and shopping online, and the brains of children are just not yet ready to have the level of self-control needed to regulate their behavior with these activities. Even adults sometimes don’t have enough self-control to do that or handle some of the emotional impact of them.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Right-size your parenting fears\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Parents often feel like once their tween starts moving around more autonomously through their neighborhood or town more, the child needs a smartphone to be safe, Cherkin says. “They may think, ‘Oh, my gosh! My kid is going to be kidnapped on the way to school. They need a phone to call me.’\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Cherkin notes that parents tend to overestimate the dangers of the “real world” and \u003cem>underestimate\u003c/em> the dangers of a smartphone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I think our fears are very misplaced,” she says. “We need to think about what is statistically really likely to happen versus what’s really, really unlikely.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Each year in the U.S. about a hundred children are abducted by strangers or people or slight acquaintances, the U.S. Department of Justice \u003ca href=\"https://ojjdp.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh176/files/pubs/249249.pdf\">reported\u003c/a>. Given that 50 million children, ages 6 to 17, reside in the U.S, the risk of a child being kidnapped by a stranger is about 0.0002% each year. (By comparison, the risk of being struck by lightning each year is about 0.0001%.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other hand, giving a child a phone comes with a whole new set of risks and dangers, Cherkin says. They can be difficult for some parents to understand because they may not have much firsthand experience with specific apps, and the new threats that are emerging.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in March, the nonprofit Common Sense Media \u003ca href=\"https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/report/how-girls-really-feel-about-social-media-researchreport_web_final_2.pdf\">surveyed\u003c/a> about 1,300 girls, ages 11 to 15, about their experiences on social media. Nearly 60% of the girls who use Instagram, and nearly 60% of those who use Snapchat, said they had been contacted by a stranger that makes them uncomfortable. The same was true for 46% of those who use TikTok.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Disturbing online encounters and influences\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The same survey found that these apps often expose girls to content they find disturbing or harmful. For those that use Instagram, TikTok or Snapchat, 12% to 15% of girls see or hear content related to suicide on a daily basis. About the same percentage asaid they see or hear content about eating disorders on a daily basis as well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>An investigation by the Center for Countering Digital Hate also found evidence that content related to suicide and disordered eating is relatively common on TikTok. In the \u003ca href=\"https://counterhate.com/research/deadly-by-design/\">investigation\u003c/a>, the nonprofit set up eight accounts ostensibly by 13-year-old children. Each user paused on and liked videos about body image and mental health. Within 30 minutes, TikTok recommended content about suicide and eating disorders to all eight accounts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In one instance, this content began appearing in less than three minutes. On average, TikTok suggested content about eating disorders every four minutes to the teen accounts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>TikTok declined NPR’s request for an interview, but in an email, a spokesperson for the company wrote: “We’re committed to building age-appropriate experiences, while equipping parents with tools, like\u003ca href=\"https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/newsroom.tiktok.com/en-us/new-features-for-teens-and-families-on-tiktok-us__;!!Iwwt!TXlWyyVqWw7ko1SLp-5LloOiRlujH57BqCCTBxgALe7v3MBnbuRJg9C_l2e_RGxD4vLurQazVw_k3BzUCiaeF4o%24\"> Family Pairing\u003c/a>, to support their teen’s experience on TikTok.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emma Lembke, age 20, says these findings line up with what she experienced when she first went on Instagram eight years ago. “As a 12-year-old girl, I felt like I was being constantly bombarded by bodies that I could never replicate or ones that I could try to, but it would lead me in a darker direction.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She remembers just trying to look up a healthy recipe. “And from that one search, I remember being fed constant stuff about my ‘200-calorie day’ or intermittent fasting.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Eventually, she says, her feed was “covered with anorexic, thin, tiny women. Dieting pills, lollipops to suppress my appetite.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lembke developed an eating disorder. She has recovered and now is a digital advocate and founder of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.logoffmovement.org/\">Log OFF\u003c/a> project, which helps teens build healthier relationships with social media.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“When I was younger, I was being prodded and poked and fed material [on social media] that was really leading me in a direction toward an eating disorder,” she says. “I think for a lot of young women, even if it doesn’t materialize into a fully fledged eating disorder, it painfully warps their sense of self by harming their body image. ”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instagram’s parent company, Meta, declined a request for an interview. But in an email, a spokesperson said the company has invested in technology that finds and removes content related to suicide, self-injury or eating disorders before anyone reports it. “We want to reassure every parent that we have their interests at heart in the work we’re doing to provide teens with safe, supportive experiences online,” they wrote.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>A whole world of sexually explicit content\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Many children also come across sexualized content, even porn, on social media apps, Cherkin says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you want to get a sense for what your kid might encounter once you let them have a phone and popular apps, Cherkin recommends trying this: Set up a test account in one of the apps, setting the age of the user to your child’s age, and then use the account yourself for a few weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I did that with Snapchat. I set up an account, pretending to be 15. Then I just went to the Discover feed, where it pushes content to you based on your age,” she explains. Within seconds, sexualized content and vulgar images appeared, she says. “And I thought, ‘No, this is not appropriate for a 15-year-old.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Snapchat’s parent company, Snap, also declined a request for an interview with NPR. A spokesperson wrote in an email: “We have largely kept misinformation, hate speech and other potentially harmful content from spreading on Snapchat. That said, we completely understand concerns about the appropriateness of the content that may be featured, and are working to strengthen protections for teens with the aim of offering them a more age-appropriate experience.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Personally, Cherkin uses Instagram for her business. And back in March, despite all her knowledge about the traps on social media, she says she “got catfished.” She engaged with a stranger who seemed to be a teen in her DMs and eventually received obscene and disturbing photos of a man’s genitalia.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She \u003ca href=\"https://www.thescreentimeconsultant.com/think-your-kid-wont-get-porn-in-their-dms-6fd96a4dc330sourcerss-43e8070c4854------2\">writes\u003c/a> on her blog: “It’s graphic. It’s gross. And this is one teeny (lol) example of what kids and teens see ALL THE TIME.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What’s a parent to do? Consider smartphone alternatives\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In the end, Cherkin says, there are several other in-between options for tweens besides giving them their own smartphone or denying them a phone altogether. You can:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Share your phone with your tween so they can text with and call friends.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Give your tween a “dumb phone” that only allows texting and calling. For example, buy an old-school flip phone. But if that’s out of the question because it’s not cool enough (and you have extra cash to spare), you can now buy dumb phones that look like smartphones but have extremely limited functions — no easy-access to the internet, no social media. And very little risk of inappropriate content.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch3>Try to limit the apps your child uses, but get ready to be busy monitoring them\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>If you do end up getting your tween a smartphone, Cherkin says, you might be tempted to simply “block” children from downloading particular apps on their phones. And in theory, this works. Parental control apps, such as \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/\">Bark,\u003c/a> can notify you when an app is installed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But, she says, many kids find workarounds to this approach — and really any parental controls. For instance, she says, if you block Instagram on their phone, kids can log in via the web. If you block TikTok, they might watch TikTok videos in Pinterest. Kids can find \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/blog/spotify-porn-problem/#:~:text=Spotify%2C%20Amazon%20Unlimited%2C%20YouTube%20Music,filter%20off%20after%20the%20fact.\">porn on Spotify\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Kids are way tech savvier than we are,” Cherkin wrote in an email. “Remember how we used to program the VCR for our parents?! Every single parent who comes to me for help has a variation of this same story: ‘We had X parental controls; we blocked X sites; our child figured out how to access them anyway.’ … It’s impossible to successfully block everything — and once you do, a replacement will pop up in its place.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other words, once you give your child a smartphone, you will likely be setting up yourself for a whole new series of parenting tasks and worries. Even Meta reveals this in its April \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxy14wjki6s\">ad for parental controls\u003c/a>: The mom in the ad is monitoring her son’s Instagram account while doing the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=So+your+tween+wants+a+smartphone%3F+Read+this+first&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/62004/so-your-tween-wants-a-smartphone-read-this-first","authors":["byline_mindshift_62004"],"categories":["mindshift_21445","mindshift_21385","mindshift_20874"],"tags":["mindshift_866","mindshift_822","mindshift_691","mindshift_21473","mindshift_145","mindshift_20568","mindshift_290","mindshift_20816","mindshift_393","mindshift_30","mindshift_21680"],"featImg":"mindshift_62005","label":"mindshift"}},"programsReducer":{"possible":{"id":"possible","title":"Possible","info":"Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. 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Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.","airtime":"SUN 2pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Possible-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.possible.fm/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"Possible"},"link":"/radio/program/possible","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/possible/id1677184070","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/730YpdUSNlMyPQwNnyjp4k"}},"1a":{"id":"1a","title":"1A","info":"1A is home to the national conversation. 1A brings on great guests and frames the best debate in ways that make you think, share and engage.","airtime":"MON-THU 11pm-12am","imageSrc":"https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/1a.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://the1a.org/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/1a","subscribe":{"npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/RBrW","apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=1188724250&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/1A-p947376/","rss":"https://feeds.npr.org/510316/podcast.xml"}},"all-things-considered":{"id":"all-things-considered","title":"All Things Considered","info":"Every weekday, \u003cem>All Things Considered\u003c/em> hosts Robert Siegel, Audie Cornish, Ari Shapiro, and Kelly McEvers present the program's trademark mix of news, interviews, commentaries, reviews, and offbeat features. 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But is this once sleepy suburb ready for them?","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/American-Suburb-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"/news/series/american-suburb-podcast","meta":{"site":"news","source":"kqed","order":"13"},"link":"/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/","subscribe":{"npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/RBrW","apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?mt=2&id=1287748328","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/American-Suburb-p1086805/","rss":"https://ww2.kqed.org/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/feed/podcast","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkMzMDExODgxNjA5"}},"baycurious":{"id":"baycurious","title":"Bay Curious","tagline":"Exploring the Bay Area, one question at a time","info":"KQED’s new podcast, Bay Curious, gets to the bottom of the mysteries — both profound and peculiar — that give the Bay Area its unique identity. And we’ll do it with your help! You ask the questions. You decide what Bay Curious investigates. And you join us on the journey to find the answers.","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Bay-Curious-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg","imageAlt":"\"KQED Bay Curious","officialWebsiteLink":"/news/series/baycurious","meta":{"site":"news","source":"kqed","order":"4"},"link":"/podcasts/baycurious","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bay-curious/id1172473406","npr":"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/500557090/bay-curious","rss":"https://ww2.kqed.org/news/category/bay-curious-podcast/feed/podcast","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93dzIua3FlZC5vcmcvbmV3cy9jYXRlZ29yeS9iYXktY3VyaW91cy1wb2RjYXN0L2ZlZWQvcG9kY2FzdA","stitcher":"https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/bay-curious","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/6O76IdmhixfijmhTZLIJ8k"}},"bbc-world-service":{"id":"bbc-world-service","title":"BBC World Service","info":"The day's top stories from BBC News compiled twice daily in the week, once at weekends.","airtime":"MON-FRI 9pm-10pm, TUE-FRI 1am-2am","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/BBC-World-Service-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/live:bbc_world_service","meta":{"site":"news","source":"BBC World Service"},"link":"/radio/program/bbc-world-service","subscribe":{"apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/global-news-podcast/id135067274?mt=2","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/BBC-World-Service-p455581/","rss":"https://podcasts.files.bbci.co.uk/p02nq0gn.rss"}},"code-switch-life-kit":{"id":"code-switch-life-kit","title":"Code Switch / Life Kit","info":"\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em>, which listeners will hear in the first part of the hour, has fearless and much-needed conversations about race. Hosted by journalists of color, the show tackles the subject of race head-on, exploring how it impacts every part of society — from politics and pop culture to history, sports and more.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em>, which will be in the second part of the hour, guides you through spaces and feelings no one prepares you for — from finances to mental health, from workplace microaggressions to imposter syndrome, from relationships to parenting. The show features experts with real world experience and shares their knowledge. Because everyone needs a little help being human.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510312/codeswitch\">\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/lifekit\">\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />","airtime":"SUN 9pm-10pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Code-Switch-Life-Kit-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg","meta":{"site":"radio","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/code-switch-life-kit","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/podcast/1112190608?mt=2&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnByLm9yZy9yc3MvcG9kY2FzdC5waHA_aWQ9NTEwMzEy","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/3bExJ9JQpkwNhoHvaIIuyV","rss":"https://feeds.npr.org/510312/podcast.xml"}},"commonwealth-club":{"id":"commonwealth-club","title":"Commonwealth Club of California Podcast","info":"The Commonwealth Club of California is the nation's oldest and largest public affairs forum. As a non-partisan forum, The Club brings to the public airwaves diverse viewpoints on important topics. The Club's weekly radio broadcast - the oldest in the U.S., dating back to 1924 - is carried across the nation on public radio stations and is now podcasting. Our website archive features audio of our recent programs, as well as selected speeches from our long and distinguished history. This podcast feed is usually updated twice a week and is always un-edited.","airtime":"THU 10pm, FRI 1am","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Commonwealth-Club-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.commonwealthclub.org/podcasts","meta":{"site":"news","source":"Commonwealth Club of California"},"link":"/radio/program/commonwealth-club","subscribe":{"apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/commonwealth-club-of-california-podcast/id976334034?mt=2","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cDovL3d3dy5jb21tb253ZWFsdGhjbHViLm9yZy9hdWRpby9wb2RjYXN0L3dlZWtseS54bWw","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/Commonwealth-Club-of-California-p1060/"}},"considerthis":{"id":"considerthis","title":"Consider This","tagline":"Make sense of the day","info":"Make sense of the day. Every weekday afternoon, Consider This helps you consider the major stories of the day in less than 15 minutes, featuring the reporting and storytelling resources of NPR. Plus, KQED’s Bianca Taylor brings you the local KQED news you need to know.","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Consider-This-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg","imageAlt":"Consider This from NPR and KQED","officialWebsiteLink":"/podcasts/considerthis","meta":{"site":"news","source":"kqed","order":"7"},"link":"/podcasts/considerthis","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/podcast/id1503226625?mt=2&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory","npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/coronavirusdaily","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5ucHIub3JnLzUxMDM1NS9wb2RjYXN0LnhtbA","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/3Z6JdCS2d0eFEpXHKI6WqH"}},"forum":{"id":"forum","title":"Forum","tagline":"The conversation starts here","info":"KQED’s live call-in program discussing local, state, national and international issues, as well as in-depth interviews.","airtime":"MON-FRI 9am-11am, 10pm-11pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Forum-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg","imageAlt":"KQED Forum with Mina Kim and Alexis Madrigal","officialWebsiteLink":"/forum","meta":{"site":"news","source":"kqed","order":"8"},"link":"/forum","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/kqeds-forum/id73329719","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM5NTU3MzgxNjMz","npr":"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/432307980/forum","stitcher":"https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqedfm-kqeds-forum-podcast","rss":"https://feeds.megaphone.fm/KQINC9557381633"}},"freakonomics-radio":{"id":"freakonomics-radio","title":"Freakonomics Radio","info":"Freakonomics Radio is a one-hour award-winning podcast and public-radio project hosted by Stephen Dubner, with co-author Steve Levitt as a regular guest. It is produced in partnership with WNYC.","imageSrc":"https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2018/05/freakonomicsRadio.png","officialWebsiteLink":"http://freakonomics.com/","airtime":"SUN 1am-2am, SAT 3pm-4pm","meta":{"site":"radio","source":"WNYC"},"link":"/radio/program/freakonomics-radio","subscribe":{"npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/4s8b","apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/freakonomics-radio/id354668519","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/podcasts/WNYC-Podcasts/Freakonomics-Radio-p272293/","rss":"https://feeds.feedburner.com/freakonomicsradio"}},"fresh-air":{"id":"fresh-air","title":"Fresh Air","info":"Hosted by Terry Gross, \u003cem>Fresh Air from WHYY\u003c/em> is the Peabody Award-winning weekday magazine of contemporary arts and issues. One of public radio's most popular programs, Fresh Air features intimate conversations with today's biggest luminaries.","airtime":"MON-FRI 7pm-8pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Fresh-Air-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.npr.org/programs/fresh-air/","meta":{"site":"radio","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/fresh-air","subscribe":{"npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/4s8b","apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=214089682&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/Fresh-Air-p17/","rss":"https://feeds.npr.org/381444908/podcast.xml"}},"here-and-now":{"id":"here-and-now","title":"Here & Now","info":"A live production of NPR and WBUR Boston, in collaboration with stations across the country, Here & Now reflects the fluid world of news as it's happening in the middle of the day, with timely, in-depth news, interviews and conversation. 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