Suit Myself

May 17th, 2006

So this morning -- just a moment or two after the specialist told me I didn't need root-canal surgery, after all -- I suddenly realized that I need to dress formally for a couple of events coming up soon. Real soon -- this Saturday, and then the following Tuesday. And the thing is, I don't own any formalwear! My entire pants collection is made up of identical black jeans, and my shirts are all the extremely colorful creations of my wife. Not to mention that my footwear consists entirely of black sneakers and a pair of sandals (as required by Berkeley law).

So my question is, Does anyone out there know where I could get a decent outfit on short notice? ... I've seen the ads for the Men's Wearhouse, but I fear that they'd force me to wear that owner guy's toupee. ... As for Macy's, I have too many traumatic memories from my childhood, when my mom would take me on endless visits to "the world's largest store," where she'd try on -- and return -- every pantsuit known to woman while I dreamed of escaping to a better place (and I don't mean Gimbel's). ...

Is there some guy out there -- even a cadaver -- who's about 5-10, weighs 200 pounds, and sports the nobly squat frame of a genetic peasant? And has a nice dark suit to lend out for a few days? And maybe also a nice pair of shoes, size 12-and-a-half, super-wide? Oh, and a sensible tie? (And maybe a white shirt?) (And socks that aren't bright red?) ...

Ah, well -- I didn't think so. Still, a guy can dream, can't he?

See you at Goodwill!

Entry Filed under: let's digress


  • 1. Cynth B.  |  May 24th, 2006 at 7:36 pm

    I had two root canals–both at Western Dental! Talk about torture. I now have a new dentist who told me they did a good job, but those teeth still hurt.

    You’re lucky, Josh.

  • 2. Josh Kornbluth  |  June 19th, 2006 at 7:50 pm

    Noted, Cynth! Sorry you went through that!

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