Archive for May 17th, 2006

Suit Myself

So this morning -- just a moment or two after the specialist told me I didn't need root-canal surgery, after all -- I suddenly realized that I need to dress formally for a couple of events coming up soon. Real soon -- this Saturday, and then the following Tuesday. And the thing is, I don't own any formalwear! My entire pants collection is made up of identical black jeans, and my shirts are all the extremely colorful creations of my wife. Not to mention that my footwear consists entirely of black sneakers and a pair of sandals (as required by Berkeley law).

So my question is, Does anyone out there know where I could get a decent outfit on short notice? ... I've seen the ads for the Men's Wearhouse, but I fear that they'd force me to wear that owner guy's toupee. ... As for Macy's, I have too many traumatic memories from my childhood, when my mom would take me on endless visits to "the world's largest store," where she'd try on -- and return -- every pantsuit known to woman while I dreamed of escaping to a better place (and I don't mean Gimbel's). ...

Is there some guy out there -- even a cadaver -- who's about 5-10, weighs 200 pounds, and sports the nobly squat frame of a genetic peasant? And has a nice dark suit to lend out for a few days? And maybe also a nice pair of shoes, size 12-and-a-half, super-wide? Oh, and a sensible tie? (And maybe a white shirt?) (And socks that aren't bright red?) ...

Ah, well -- I didn't think so. Still, a guy can dream, can't he?

See you at Goodwill!

2 comments May 17th, 2006

Like a Root Canal

I'm going in for a root canal today. My dentist says they're not so bad -- kind of like getting a new filling, except they go a bit deeper. At least he's easier to trust than my childhood dentist, Dr. Gluck, who had been my mom's childhood dentist, and whose hands shook a bit -- especially when he started going on about my parents' politics. (It's really hard to defend your mother against charges of Maoism when your mouth is full of gauze.) ...

Okay, this is working: now I'm getting more anxious about my childhood than about the root canal. ...

May 17th, 2006


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