I've served dinner to thousands of people over the span of my adult life. In that time, I have been alarmed-- though seldom to the point of fits-- by the number of those people who do not know how to behave at table. Proper table etiquette is often poorly executed.

I don't mention this for reasons of stodginess, I mention it because I see what is happening at the tables of countless business dinners and first dates-- people trying to impress one another and failing miserably. On one end of the spectrum, there are the overly cautious-- those who navigate their dinner with extreme caution, eating their olives with knife and fork, for example. Then, of course, there is the other, cork-sniffing variety too hideous to mention this morning. Most people, fortunately, fall somewhere in between, but are sadly unclear on the finer and much more subtle points of dining. So I thought I might drop in from time to time and explain, as gently as I can, how you might avoid some of the most common pitfalls of eating in public.

Since my mood this week is decidedly morbid, I thought I would share with you the proper way of ending it all.

Finishing Your Meal

When one has had enough of whatever is placed in front of him, no pushing away of the plate is necessary, no handing your mess off to the first member of the wait staff who passes by, no verbal proclamations other than those that convey how lovely everything was, is necessary to let others know your condition.

Only one simple, silent act is necessary to communicate your state of doneness. For those of you who do not already know this, here's how:

The above photo illustrates the proper way to tell the world "Yes, I have finished with my meal." Place your knife and fork together, with the business ends point roughly to "10 o'clock" on the clock face that is quite often your dinner plate and with the sharp end of your knife facing inward to avoid any show of aggression, no matter how you might actually feel. It is a clear and, hopefully, unmistakable signal to your fellow diners and to whomever may be clearing your plate.

Do not make an "x" with your utensils. Not only is this incorrect and, frankly, boorish, it is a potential hazard-waiting-to-happen. Proper placement of utensils allows whoever is removing your plate to stabilize the knife and fork with his or her thumb, ensuring that, upon removal, they do not slide off the plate and on to your clothing. Improper placement means your server must spend more time interfering with the flow of business conversation or the ogling of your date's décolletage. And no one wants that-- not you, not your server.

You should also be aware of when you finish. It is just as rude to lag far behind in pace with your fellow diners as it is to race too far ahead. Though you may be engrossed in deep conversation with the person sitting on your right, you may have failed to notice that everyone else at your table has been finished with their meal for a good fifteen minutes. No fine dining server worth his or her grey sea salt is going to clear anyone's plate from your table until the last person has finished. But patience has its limits. For example, I occasionally have to let some of my guests sit with dirty plates for up to half an hour while their blithely unaware tortoise of a tablemate chews and chatters while everyone else squirms, wants coffee, or is jonesing for a post-prandial sugar rush. In such cases, I feel I have to act in the interest of the table as a whole and somehow signal to the lagger that he is on his own. The irritation of everyone from one's boss (or clients) to the wait staff is palpable. Be aware of your surroundings.

I hope this has been enlightening. It felt very, very good to share it today.

Now, if you will please excuse me, I have to go to work and wait on some more people so I can come back and tell you you what they're doing wrong.

As hard as I try to be a good diner, I try even harder to be a good customer. At my preferred grocery store, I wait my turn at the fish counter -- often giving way to customers who were definitely there after me -- I never go in the express lane with more than twelve items, and I have no problem bagging my own groceries if help isn't available.

However, I have come slap up against a quandary to which I see no obvious solution: dropped produce. As in, what the heck do you do when you accidentally knock or drop fruits or vegetables to the floor? Look, it happens. It might happen more often to me, because I'm a slight klutz, but I'm sure it happens to everyone. So, what do you do? If you're like me, you walk around with a dropped Brussels sprout clutched in your hand until you can finally bin it in the parking lot. Other times when the odd lime has bounced down as I was reaching for the grapefruits above it, I've nudged it out of the way of foot traffic and guiltily gone about my business.

Do you put the mushroom, avocado, orange, or whatever back on top of the pyramid of produce for some other unsuspecting customer to buy? Gross.

Do you leave it where it lies, passively expecting the produce guys and gals to clean up after you? Ech, I don't want to do that -- it's so rude and lazy.

Do you throw it out? Maybe, if there's an obvious garbage can for that purpose. But what if there isn't? Also, where do you draw the line? Because frankly, I don't know how I feel about trashing bigger things like oranges, avocados, or snowy heads of cauliflower.

Anxious to get to the bottom of this customer conundrum, I called around to a few discerning grocery stores in the Bay Area who stock high quality produce and carry an extensive, if not exclusive, organic produce selection.

Produce Guy #1

Him: "Throw it away."

Me: "Even if there aren't any trash cans?"

Him: "There are always trash cans."

Produce Guy #2

"Put it back. Unless it's organic or wet -- then you should give it to someone here to wash and they will put it back."

Produce Guy #3

"Don't put it back on the stand. Just tell one of the produce guys -- or anyone in the store, actually -- and they'll take care of it for you."

Produce Guy #4

Him: "PICK IT UP!"

Me: "Really? To leave for some other customer to come along and..."

Him: "Yeah! You should be WASHING it all anyway! All your meats, seafood, fruit, and vegetables -- EVERYTHING should be washed!"

Well, okay then! If I wasn't doing it before, I'll certainly be washing my stuff to excess now.

Overall, I didn't get much of a consensus -- what do you think customers should do?