For most diners, paying one's bill at the finish of a restaurant meal is a simple, uncomplicated process, a no-brainer. Or should be. It never fails to amaze me how many people screw this up.

The ideal execution of bill getting-and-paying should be a near-non-event. The only words exchanged should be those of thanks between the payer and the server, and from the recipients of the evening's generosity to one giving it.

This should be obvious to most of you out there. Hopefully. Sadly, it isn't to everyone.

Here are a few handy tips on how to pay a restaurant bill with grace:

1. In a fine dining environment, when a server delivers the bill to a table, he or she will either place it nearest the host or hand it directly to him/her if the host reaches out for it, or place the bill in the center of the table if the host is not clearly certain (for example, if more than one person orders wine or food for the table as a whole). Typically, we assume that the person paying is the one who asks for the check. If that happens to be you, please proceed to step 2.

2. When you are ready to make payment, place your credit card, cash, cowrie shells, or whatever method of payment is accepted inside the bill folder with just enough spilling out to indicate that you are ready to make payment. This is important. It is most likely (and hoped for) that your server will not be staring at you as you rifle through your wallet. When you have accomplished this feat, place the bill folder at the edge of the table next to you or, if you are seated in a booth, the end of the table nearest the server's approach.

I find it surprising how many people do not understand this small-but-important ritual. The folder could be stuffed with cash, but if it looks as though it has been both untouched and unmoved, it's not going anywhere. Servers are often expected to read the minds of guests, but I think they deserve a little help on this one. Please, make it obvious that you are ready to give payment.

3. When the server hands you back your bill, sign it at your leisure, but when you are finished, please place it back on the edge of the table. Your server may then take it away. He (in most cases) is not taking it away out of greed, but rather to take care of the paperwork, especially if you have paid by credit card. Your bill must be closed with the proper paperwork. Read: the restaurant's copy of the credit card receipt. If, in your wine-soaked joy of the evening, you have accidentally pocketed the receipt (and we've all done it at least once, waiters included), the server might gently ask you for it as you leave. You might expect your server to guess what sort of wine you might like with your pork, but do you really expect him or her to guess the amount of gratuity you've left? I didn't think so.

Isn't that easy? Yes.

Now for a couple of other hints.

You've been Declined

If your credit card is declined, it is not necessarily your fault (credit card companies sometimes put a hold on cards on which an unusual amount of spending has occurred at any given time, etc.), but it definitely is not your server's. As a waiter, this can be remarkably painful. I worry that I am embarrassing one of my guests-- especially one of my guests who happens to be leaving me a tip. Any server worth his salt will just treat it (outwardly) that it's no big deal and, rather than say, "I'm sorry, your card's been declined," will say something to the effect of, "Excuse me, do you have another card? This one doesn't seem to be working." Unless I'm handed one of those black titanium American Express cards. Then I always give a little frown and tell them it's declined. The response is invariably one of, "Uh huh. Sure it is." And then I go away and giggle.

Essentially, if you are planning on taking people out to dinner, have a back up payment method. If you see no reason your card should be declined, your server will be happy to make a call for you and look into it. Remain calm.

Fighting Over the Check

One of the most irritating things about waiting tables is guests fighting over the check. Suddenly, the food-and-alcohol-induced peace and harmony at the table is shattered by diners grabbing the checks and credit cards out of each others' hands in a seriously misguided effort to pay for the meal and be "hospitable." Or they're just trying to play Alpha Dog. There is a certain ritual to this that must be followed:

One of your dining parters grabs the check and insists on paying. You then say, "Oh, no, I just couldn't let you do that." Then they counter with something like, "But I'd really like to treat you to dinner tonight. Really, it would make me very happy to do it!" You are then supposed to respond with something to the effect of, "Well... alright, if it will make you happy, but I'm taking you out next time."

And then you're done.

Do not, I repeat, do not drag the server into this. At my tables, I have in most cases been spending the previous two hours making sure that everyone in my charge is as comfortable and happy as possible. I am not there to referee. Taking sides is not in my economic interest. If I am approached privately by a member of a dining party who hands me his or her card and insists on paying, I will: a) run the credit card and hand back at the end of the meal, run and ready so that he or she is one step ahead of arguments, or b) if the card-giver is not the clear-cut host, I will hand the card back uncharged. To the host.

In extreme cases, when different people start shoving cards or check presenters in my face (it happens) saying everything but "Pick me! Pick me!" I am polite, but firm. And mildly, chidingly sarcastic. I tell the contenders something akin to, "Oh, you're all just so wonderful to want to pay for dinner, I wish I could pick all of you!" I then take a step back from the table, saying, "I can't wait to see who wins!"

And then I walk away.

I've served dinner to thousands of people over the span of my adult life. In that time, I have been alarmed-- though seldom to the point of fits-- by the number of those people who do not know how to behave at table. Proper table etiquette is often poorly executed.

I don't mention this for reasons of stodginess, I mention it because I see what is happening at the tables of countless business dinners and first dates-- people trying to impress one another and failing miserably. On one end of the spectrum, there are the overly cautious-- those who navigate their dinner with extreme caution, eating their olives with knife and fork, for example. Then, of course, there is the other, cork-sniffing variety too hideous to mention this morning. Most people, fortunately, fall somewhere in between, but are sadly unclear on the finer and much more subtle points of dining. So I thought I might drop in from time to time and explain, as gently as I can, how you might avoid some of the most common pitfalls of eating in public.

Since my mood this week is decidedly morbid, I thought I would share with you the proper way of ending it all.

Finishing Your Meal

When one has had enough of whatever is placed in front of him, no pushing away of the plate is necessary, no handing your mess off to the first member of the wait staff who passes by, no verbal proclamations other than those that convey how lovely everything was, is necessary to let others know your condition.

Only one simple, silent act is necessary to communicate your state of doneness. For those of you who do not already know this, here's how:

The above photo illustrates the proper way to tell the world "Yes, I have finished with my meal." Place your knife and fork together, with the business ends point roughly to "10 o'clock" on the clock face that is quite often your dinner plate and with the sharp end of your knife facing inward to avoid any show of aggression, no matter how you might actually feel. It is a clear and, hopefully, unmistakable signal to your fellow diners and to whomever may be clearing your plate.

Do not make an "x" with your utensils. Not only is this incorrect and, frankly, boorish, it is a potential hazard-waiting-to-happen. Proper placement of utensils allows whoever is removing your plate to stabilize the knife and fork with his or her thumb, ensuring that, upon removal, they do not slide off the plate and on to your clothing. Improper placement means your server must spend more time interfering with the flow of business conversation or the ogling of your date's décolletage. And no one wants that-- not you, not your server.

You should also be aware of when you finish. It is just as rude to lag far behind in pace with your fellow diners as it is to race too far ahead. Though you may be engrossed in deep conversation with the person sitting on your right, you may have failed to notice that everyone else at your table has been finished with their meal for a good fifteen minutes. No fine dining server worth his or her grey sea salt is going to clear anyone's plate from your table until the last person has finished. But patience has its limits. For example, I occasionally have to let some of my guests sit with dirty plates for up to half an hour while their blithely unaware tortoise of a tablemate chews and chatters while everyone else squirms, wants coffee, or is jonesing for a post-prandial sugar rush. In such cases, I feel I have to act in the interest of the table as a whole and somehow signal to the lagger that he is on his own. The irritation of everyone from one's boss (or clients) to the wait staff is palpable. Be aware of your surroundings.

I hope this has been enlightening. It felt very, very good to share it today.

Now, if you will please excuse me, I have to go to work and wait on some more people so I can come back and tell you you what they're doing wrong.

As hard as I try to be a good diner, I try even harder to be a good customer. At my preferred grocery store, I wait my turn at the fish counter -- often giving way to customers who were definitely there after me -- I never go in the express lane with more than twelve items, and I have no problem bagging my own groceries if help isn't available.

However, I have come slap up against a quandary to which I see no obvious solution: dropped produce. As in, what the heck do you do when you accidentally knock or drop fruits or vegetables to the floor? Look, it happens. It might happen more often to me, because I'm a slight klutz, but I'm sure it happens to everyone. So, what do you do? If you're like me, you walk around with a dropped Brussels sprout clutched in your hand until you can finally bin it in the parking lot. Other times when the odd lime has bounced down as I was reaching for the grapefruits above it, I've nudged it out of the way of foot traffic and guiltily gone about my business.

Do you put the mushroom, avocado, orange, or whatever back on top of the pyramid of produce for some other unsuspecting customer to buy? Gross.

Do you leave it where it lies, passively expecting the produce guys and gals to clean up after you? Ech, I don't want to do that -- it's so rude and lazy.

Do you throw it out? Maybe, if there's an obvious garbage can for that purpose. But what if there isn't? Also, where do you draw the line? Because frankly, I don't know how I feel about trashing bigger things like oranges, avocados, or snowy heads of cauliflower.

Anxious to get to the bottom of this customer conundrum, I called around to a few discerning grocery stores in the Bay Area who stock high quality produce and carry an extensive, if not exclusive, organic produce selection.

Produce Guy #1

Him: "Throw it away."

Me: "Even if there aren't any trash cans?"

Him: "There are always trash cans."

Produce Guy #2

"Put it back. Unless it's organic or wet -- then you should give it to someone here to wash and they will put it back."

Produce Guy #3

"Don't put it back on the stand. Just tell one of the produce guys -- or anyone in the store, actually -- and they'll take care of it for you."

Produce Guy #4

Him: "PICK IT UP!"

Me: "Really? To leave for some other customer to come along and..."

Him: "Yeah! You should be WASHING it all anyway! All your meats, seafood, fruit, and vegetables -- EVERYTHING should be washed!"

Well, okay then! If I wasn't doing it before, I'll certainly be washing my stuff to excess now.

Overall, I didn't get much of a consensus -- what do you think customers should do?