You gotta love a free event and this weekend there are no fewer than three good ones. Each present an opportunity for you to reacquaint yourself with a San Francisco original.

Crushpad is do-it-yourself (with a lot of help) winery. Designed for non-traditional winemakers you work hand-in-hand with Crushpad staff and consulting winemakers to define and create your very own wine. You can choose from among their excellent grape sources or identify your own. The end result is a world class wine with your own brand. Custom Wine customers are encouraged to visit Crushpad frequently and actively participate to gain the full experience – education is a key part of Crushpad.

Cost varies depending upon vineyard with most barrels (25 cases) ranging from $5700 to $10,900 ($36/bottle).

What: Crushpad Open House
Where: 2573 Third St, San Francisco
When: 2 - 6 pm Saturday, June 21, 2008
How: RSVP to attend
Why: This is a fantastic opportunity to meet with participating winemakers, explore the spectrum of wines made at Crushpad and start planning for the 2008 harvest. You can also taste the wines, nibble on cheese and chocolate and perhaps even a taco or two.

If you haven't been to Ghirardelli Square in a while, now is a great time to check out this historic spot. Celebrate the new spirit of Ghirardelli Square with entertainment, wine tasting, chocolate, cupcakes and shopping. Enjoy eco-friendly chef demonstrations by From the Garden to the Table and even a doggie fashion show.

What: Savour the Square
Where: 900 North Point St St, San Francisco
When: 12 - 6 pm Saturday & Sunday, June 21 & 22, 2008
Why: Food and wine tasting, chef demos, classes and free Ice Cream Sundaes from Ghirardelli Chocolate from 4-5 pm both Saturday and Sunday. Check out the full schedule before you go.

Cheese Plus is a great spot to find local and artisanal gourmet products. At the Summer Solstice Food Festival more than 20 local Bay Area artisan food vendors will sample their handmade foods throughout the day.

This year's line up includes: Paul Bertolli’s delicious sausages and salami from Fra'Mani, LaLoo's Legendary Goat Milk Ice Cream, Bellwether Farms Farmstead Sheep Cheese, Allison McQuade's tasty Chutney’s, Redwood Hill Sonoma Goat Cheese, and more

What: Cheese Plus 3rd Anniversary Summer Solstice Food Festival
Where: 2001 Polk St St, San Francisco
When: 11 am - 6 pm Saturday, June 21, 2008
Why: Meet directly with the artisanal producers and enjoy samples of fine foods of the Bay Area and beyond.

For the fourth year in a row, Food and Wine magazine has published a book representing new and innovative drinks from around the country. Of approximately 150 drinks listed in Food & Wine Cocktails 2008, 21 are from the San Francisco Bay Area. If you were to try all of these drinks, you would travel from a bar at the San Jose International Airport to the Sir Francis Drake hotel in Union Square.

The Bay Area cocktail list is below. Some of these drinks are seasonal or are specials so are not always available. If you're intent on trying the exact cocktail, call ahead to check its availability.

Babylon Sister from Jonny Raglin of Absinthe (SF). A dessert drink containing kirsch, maraschino liqueur and crème de cacao in a glass rimmed with cocoa powder.

Strawberry and Ginger Cooler from Jeff Hollinger Absinthe (SF). A non-alcoholic drink with strawberries, ginger, orange juice, lime juice and ginger beer.

Northern Spy from Josey Packard The Alembic (SF). An apple-y drink with apple brandy, apple cider, apricot brandy and an apple slice.

Tommy Gun from Jacques Bezuidenhout of Bar Drake (SF). A tasty treat whose name harkens back to a Prohibition-era firearm. It contains ginger slices, apricot jam, Irish whiskey and Grand Marnier.

Puerto de Cuba from Dominic Venegas of Bourbon & Branch (SF). A rum drink with amber rum, Tawny port, and a vanilla flavored brandy liquer called Navan. Venegas left Bourbon and Branch but is still working in San Francisco.

Blackberry and Cabernet Caipirinha from Cantina (SF). This is a pitcher drink with blackberries, cachaca, Cabernet Sauvignon, orange and lime juice.

Alsatian Daiquiri from Duggan McDonnell at Cantina (SF). A drink from Duggan McDonnell featuring vanilla spiced rum, Gewurtztraminer, and peach bitters.

Thai Boxer from Scott Beattie at Cyrus in Healdsburg (Healdsburg). A beautiful drink made with all local produce. The long ingredient list for this drink includes basil, mint, cilantro, vanilla rum, coconut milk and ginger beer.

Off Kilter from Elixir (SF). The Off-Kilter was designed to show off Scotch and does so by combining it with Grand Marnier, nocino and heavy cream.

Filibuster Cocktail from Erik Adkins of Flora in Oakland (Oakland). A take-off on a whiskey sour, the filibuster cocktail adds egg white and maple syrup to the traditional recipe.

Fog Cutter from Forbidden Island (Alameda). A tiki drink with white rum, gin, brandy, orgeat and Amontillado sherry in its ingredient list.

Amberjack from Le Colonial (SF). A cocktail combining apple lambic -- a Belgian beer -- with vodka and scotch.
Jose McGregor from Jimmy Patrick at Lion & Compass in Sunnyvale (Sunnyvale). As with many flavor combinations, this drink started as a mistake. It contains Scotch and a citrus/vanilla flavored licqueur called Licor 43.

Vanilla-Cucumber Limey from Jay Crabb at Martini Monkey in San Jose (San Jose). Martini Monkey, located in the San Jose Airport, serves a drink involving cucumbers, mint, and vanilla vodka.

Bergamont Shandy from NOPA (SF). A drink with amaro, Grand Marnier and a lager-style beer.

Mi-So-Pretty from Elizabeth Falkner and Angie Heeney-Tunstall of Orson (SF). Newcomer Orson is represented in the book with a cocktail combining miso, grapefruit, toasted almond syrup, and tequila.

Green with Envy from the Poleng Lounge (SF). Poleng Lounge, an Asian fusion restaurant in NOPA, created a drink with apple, sake, and brewed green tea.

Green Lantern from Range (SF). Thomas Waugh created a cocktail with kiwi, gin, Viogner and lime juice.

Grapefruit Flamingo from Kieran Walsh at Solstice (SF). This drink combines grapefruit vodka with Campari and sparkling wine.

Zydeco Cocktail from Tres Agaves (SF). The Zydeco cocktail uses Absolut New Orelans -- a limited edition mango and black pepper version of an Absolut vodka.

I make it back to the Midwest two, maybe three times a year. Since I gave up my home address in Independence, Missouri, twenty years ago, I've seen the area's fields and grasslands transformed into bustling Walmarts and Home Depots. The surrounding green has turned into asphalt as steadily and relentlessly as the graying of my parents’ hair.

It seems like every backyard barbeque here includes a story about a Californian couple -- maybe from San Diego, maybe San Francisco -- who sold their dinky 1-bedroom condo and then moved into a brand-spanking-new, 5-bedroom mansion on a half-acre in Blue Springs or Overland Park or even Grain Valley, once the outskirts of the outskirts. My parents live in Oak Grove. Twelve years ago, I always missed the exit to their home, back when I-70 rolled across soybean field after sunflower field. Now, I just look for the shiny, mirrored-glass office building and the concatenated lots of car dealerships to find the road to their house.

Kansas City and its environs keeps appearing on recent lists of most livable towns and best cities for relocating families (pdf), so all this development hasn't slowed much even with the current real estate dip.

One of the latest buildings to pop up near here is the preternaturally landscaped BassPro Shops complex. The Pacific Northwest has its REI stores with their climbing walls and water bottle pumping stations and fake rock paths winding along next to the shoe department. Here, within a morning's drive from the Ozarks, we have BassPro Shops.

This is the place to visit if you've never held a rifle or a fishing rod, never tried on a pair of waders, never perched in a treestand with a crossbow or kicked back in a camouflage rocker recliner (choose from three favorite camo patterns: Realtree Hardwoods HD, Advantage MAX-4 HD or, my personal preference, Mossy Oak Breakup). Visit the BassPro website — where you can find the GPS coordinates of each store in the US — to create your gear wish list.

You can also learn how to tie fishing knots, get step-by-step instructions for cleaning wild turkey, begin training your hound, compare tips on making backwoods coffee, and collect some easy outdoor cooking recipes. You can also sign up for training courses on carrying concealed handguns or attend the all girls' weekend in the wild, complete with dutch oven cookery, canoe paddling, and a fashion show. Construction continues on a BassPro Shop in Manteca, California, just south of Stockton. The 120,000 square foot complex will open in October 2008 with great fanfare. Until then, though, I'll have to stock up on supplies here in Missouri.

After gazing over the lake behind the store, where serious shoppers can try out the snazzy 2008 model motor boats, I was lucky enough to catch a clearance sale on fishing lures. My mom, who prefers free worms from her garden or microwaved chunks of hot dogs, and my dad, who nets his own live minnows, were amused by my armful of colorful souvenirs. I packed them away in my suitcase -- art, décor, jewelry, crafty DIY supplies!

Meanwhile, my aunt braved another Midwestern thunderstorm to drop off a large pot of homey, still-warm fish soup, made with the 20-pound head of a very local, very fresh catfish. My family can rest assured that although I may not know the first thing about casting nets or noodling, I do know how to cook and eat the critters once they’re in my kitchen.

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CHAO CA (Vietnamese Rice and Fish Soup)
Served simply or garnished elaborately, chao is the both weekday breakfast and weekend brunch food of many an Asian family. The fish counter at Asian markets always have large fish heads on ice. As always when selecting fish, look for one with bright, clear eyes and very red gills. Ask them to split the head for you or, if preferred, cut it into large chunks.

Serves: 8

Ingredients
1 large fish head, 3-5 pounds, split and rinsed well
2 tablespoons fish sauce
3 large cloves garlic, minced
4 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 small onion, diced
1/2 cup uncooked long-grain rice
1 quart chicken broth
Garnish
1/4 cup fresh ginger slivers
1/4 cup sliced scallions
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
1/4 cup fried shallots
Red chile oil or sliced red chiles
1 lime, cut into wedges

Preparation:
1. Rub the fish head well with the fish sauce and garlic. Let marinate 30 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, heat 2 tablespoons of oil in a large heavy pot. Add the onions and sauté until softened. Add the rice and sauté for 3 minutes, taking care not to let the onion brown (or the soup will become muddy in color). Add the chicken broth and 8 cups water. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer for 2 hours, or until creamy smooth. Stir occasionally and add water, if needed, to maintain a creamy consistency.

3. In a large skillet, heat the remaining oil. Add the fish head and cook about 5 minutes on each side. When the garlic is fragrant but not yet browned, transfer the fish head with the garlicky oil to the simmering rice soup.

4. Arrange the garnishes in small bowls at the table. Adjust the flavor of the soup, adding fish sauce to taste, and flake off bits of meat from the fish head into the broth. Serve hot in large bowls.

Summer is a great time for cold fizzy refreshments. And drinks made with champagne, prosecco, or sparkling wine always seem the most elegant. Sangria Blanca -- a Spanish sparkling wine drink infused with fruit -- is just this type of libation (I love that word). And, with berries and mint, it's really the perfect tonic for a hot summer day.

Although I adore Sangria Blanca now, it took a while for this love to bloom. For years I resisted sparkling sangrias. When offered one, I turned up my nose, thinking it was a cousin of the lowly wine cooler. This isn't to say I never liked wine coolers. In high school, I drank my fair share (but don’t tell my mom). They were sweeter and more drinkable than the Bud Light and Lucky Lager served at Friday night parties in my small San Diego County town and always seemed to be on hand. My girlfriends and I would down our California Coolers (does anyone else remember those?), feeling quite urbane. Later, when I was a little older and "wiser," I learned to disdain coolers in much the same way a six-year old feels too mature to watch Sesame Street any longer. It was only when I was in my 30s that I returned to sparkling wine concoctions. By this time, I was secure enough to admit I really loved their refreshing and slightly fruity taste and so started experimenting.

Following is the result of one of these experiments: my recipe for Sangria Blanca. I use cava, a Northern Spanish sparkling wine, although any type of bubbly will do. The great thing about this recipe is that you don't need to break the bank. Although a nice champagne wouldn't hurt the outcome, it seems an extravagant addition for a drink that includes fruity soda, thereby drowning out any nuances you would gain. A moderately-priced cava is my bottle of choice, although you could also use sparkling wine or prosecco. Just don't use anything you wouldn't drink plain. Served with some ripe berries, a sprig of mint, and ice, it's the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day in Spain, San Diego, or the Bay Area.

For a discussion on red wine sangria, see Sangria, the Ultimate Summer Refresher.

Sangria Blanca

Serves: 6-8

Ingredients:
1 bottle chilled cava or other sparkling wine
1 cup fruity soda, Passion Fruit and Mango Juice Squeeze or Orangina
2 Tbsp brandy
2 Tbsp sugar
½ cup raspberries
½ cup sliced strawberries
Mint leaves
Ice

Preparation:
1. Clean berries and slice the strawberries. Set aside.
2. In a large punch bowl or pitcher, combine the sugar and brandy until the sugar dissolves.
3. Add the cava, or other sparkling wine, along with the soda.
4. Add the berries and ice.
5. Serve with mint leaves as garnish.

In case you've been living in a well-stocked bomb shelter for the past few weeks, you've most likely heard that the California Supreme Court voted 4-3 to legalize same-sex marriages.

Well, hooray and all that, but it's got me a bit troubled. I'm not so much bothered about those clowns at Save California and their terribly irritating November ballot measure because, for some extraordinary reason, I've recently been instilled with an unreasonable amount of faith in the majority of California voters. For now.

No, what troubles me is this--

What on earth does one feed a banquet hall full of homosexuals? That's a dilemma that would strike any sane wedding planner apoplectic. Individually, a gay man might respond to foodstuffs in a manner similar to that of a straight man, but get five or more in a room together and watch out. Have you ever baked a birthday cake for a gay man's birthday party, only to find thirty or so other gay men moaning about carbohydrates, telling you that while the dessert you've just put your heart and soul into looks great, they'll just have to pass on it, while patting their stomach? Well, I have, and what I have since learned is this: Guzzling vodka = good carbs, eating a tiny sliver of polenta cake= It-will-make-me-fat-and-then-no-one-will-love me-or-think-I'm-hot bad.

No, cake is out of the question. Perhaps a wedding protein shake would be more fitting. Of course, there's the problem of slicing.

How does one approach a gay reception? For one couple I know, I imagine there would be a chilled Ketel One fountain splashing about. Would others prefer a Teddy Bear Picnic motif? I think the traditional menus might need a going over. Instead of fish or chicken, the invitations should request a preference for either no-carb or sauce on the side.

And what on earth do you feed a roomful of lesbians? There is only so much quinoa to be had in any given season, you know.

Entertainment? If Melissa Etheridge is too busy with her own wedding or too highly priced to perform at yours, will gym teacher-turned-songbird Ann Murray do? I don't know for certain if she is a lesbian, but she's Canadian and not as busy as she used to be, and that often works in a pinch.

If you are planning a wedding and you want it gay-officiated, gay photographed, and gay-catered (I'm going to assume you'd be picking a gay deejay anyway), one resource with possibilities I've found is the Golden Gate Business Association. Hound them. While there is so far no specific section of their website dedicated to gay wedding needs, I think it would be wise for them to throw one together. Like now.

Of course, chances are, your wedding planner might be a gay man with some inside channels, one might hope. And then there's the gay florists and caterers, who tend to be busy in the June wedding season anyway. Citizen Cake, for example, has been flooded with wedding cake orders this month-- gay and straight.

Hypothesizing same-sex wedding scenarios is time well spent, but this is what really bothers me…

When I contacted the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Center of San Francisco for information, I was told by the gentleman who assisted me that the Center was "so overwhelmed with Pride" at the moment to do anything about same-sex weddings. So overwhelmed with Pride. It's as busy and as gay a month as anyone can imagine. And so emotional, apparently.

The Big Gay resource centers do not yet have a handle on this new marriage business. I can't say I don't understand, since it was all rather unexpected and came at a time when everyone was already too excited by the selection of Charo as our Gay Pride Grand Marshall to think of anything else. But time's a-wasting. The weddings start happening on June 17th. Or, as rumor has it, the evening of the 16th.

The fact of the gay wedding matter is our selection of go-to wedding assistance is very limited. There's always GayWeddings.com. Its a good starting point, certainly, but theyre Washington-based. What we need is something local. So you'll just have to go through the traditionally straight channels to plan that day you've always dreamed about but never thought would actually happen.

And that's a big, crying shame. The fact that the Gay BLT Center or whatever it's called is too "overwhelmed" with, um, Pride tells me that they really don't have their priorities, um straight. From an historic point of view, this is a big, big, BIG moment for San Francisco's Lesbians and Gays. From a financial point of view, same-sex weddings are a booming business. Tens of thousands of gay couples will be flocking to our state-- and our city-- to get married to the tune of nearly three-quarters of a billion dollars over the next couple of years. Sure, parades are fun-- wave a flag, wear some hot pants, and shake your ass on a corporate-sponsored float all you want-- it's a damned parade, for Christ's sake. I just don't want us to miss the real parade that might be passing us by.

Or the gravy train.

Of course we won't really miss it. Businesses will pop up like so many mushrooms: gay wedding planners, gay photographers, gay divorce lawyers. Perhaps The Midnight Sun will rent itself out for receptions. I just hope that, after the drunken haze of Pride Season clears, we can focus on what should really make us proud (Sorry, Charo, it isn't you)-- that we are finally equal under California State law. We can have our own weddings and, even better, attend those of our straight friends and families without that sad, nagging "I can never have this" feeling-- whether you want your own wedding or not.

Until November, anyway, when we'll have to fight again.

You know why I'm fighting? Because the next time a guy introduces his "hus-bear" to me, I can ask to see the rings as proof of their wedded bliss. I only hope to God they show me the ones on their fingers.

Every summer I spend way too much money on cranberry beans. If you know me, you might also know that they are my hands-down, number one, absolute favorite bean. I would even go a step further and extend that statement to the entire legume family.

What are cranberry beans you ask? Well, they are not cranberries, nor beans crossed with cranberries, or even sweet or tart, or really very red. The pods are kind of mottled with a cranberry color, which is I suppose where the name comes from? Beats me. Anyway, they are shell beans, just like cannelloni, flageolet, or pintos. They grow in a pod, and you can buy them fresh or dried, but like most things, you can't beat the fresh version (however, if you do buy dried I highly recommend the excellent Rancho Gordo beans).

They taste incredible: smooth, velvety, creamy, and plump. And they are perfect in nearly any brothy soup. I often use them to make pasta e fagioli or a simple vegetable, farro, and cranberry bean soup. You can cook them with some pancetta and onion and toss them with pasta to make a simple and delicious sauce.

The freshies have a fleeting season--in the Bay Area you can find them in late summer at the farmers' market. And one thing that I've discovered about cranberry beans, is that they freeze remarkably well. So I've been known to buy very large bags of beans, and spend a pretty penny on them too, which brings me full circle.

When my mother announced recently that she was growing cranberry beans in her garden, not only was I jealous but also determined to find a way to grow them myself. Which actually turned out to be incredibly easy. All you need to grow beans are some dried beans, soil and a few little pots. I felt like I was back in elementary school, poking seeds into soil-packed egg cartons, watering them religiously, keeping them warm. Anyway, last weekend I planted them, and they are already 6 inches tall!

Here's how you do it...

Grow Some Beans

Ingredients:
1 small pot for every coupla beans you want to plant (little seedling pots or even an egg carton works fine, but if you use the carton only use one bean per cup)
Some good potting soil
2 dried beans (of your choice, but I recommend the cranberry!) per pot
Water
Plastic wrap
A cake pan or small rimmed tray that will hold all your pots
A warm sunny spot

Preparation:
1. Fill each pot with potting soil.

2. Press a couple of beans just under the surface of the soil, about 1/2-inch down. Water the soil well, and let drain.

3. Set the pots in the pan or tray and cover loosely with plastic wrap. Set the pots in a warm sunny spot.

4. Water the beans every day and keep checking them. When they start to pop up you can remove the plastic wrap and let them go! Let them grow to about 6–8 inches and then re-pot them into a bigger pot, such as a soil-filled half wine barrel (I haven't gotten to that part yet).

Good luck and happy gardening!

An update on my tomatoes: They are growing like mad! The Early Girls are taking the lead, but I have to say the Sweet 100s aren't far behind. They are all doing relatively well, but I seem to have a little tiny itsy-bitsy white bug problem. Not aphids, cause I've been flicking those off my beans. Any suggestions?

If you've always wanted to learn how to work with chocolate, you're in luck. Chuck Siegel of Charles Chocolates will be giving chocolate classes. Head into the Charles Chocolates factory kitchen to learn the basics of working with chocolate through an entirely hands-on, intensive class led by Siegel himself.

Starting with the basics of working with chocolate, the curriculum will also include more technique driven skills like preparing ganaches, rolling truffles, tempering, shell molding and more. “People are curious about working with chocolate, and I get asked for tips and lessons all the time,” said Siegel. “Once you know the basics, there are so many ways to creatively use those skills.” Recipes are fine, but nothing beats hands-on experience.

The classes will take place on Saturday afternoons, and last approximately five hours. You must wear closed toed shoes in our factory kitchen and please wear clothing that you don't mind getting a little bit of chocolate on.

What: Chocolate Classes at Charles Chocolates
When: Saturday, June 14 from 1-6pm, other dates to follow
Where: Charles Chocolates Chocolate Bar, 6529 Hollis St., Emeryville
How: Purchase tickets $300
If you have any questions, please call 510.652.4412 x311 or email events@charleschocolates.com.
Why: Learn to make chocolates from a master chocolatier and take home all of the confections you make, plus a deluxe kit containing molds, an offset spatula, sheet pans and several recipes developed by Siegel -- everything necessary to use what was learned during the class at home.

Here's a sample recipe you can try at home:

Perfect Chocolate Truffles (untempered)
courtesy of Chuck Siegel, owner of Charles Chocolates

Ingredients:
250g/2 cups 65% Bittersweet Chocolate
250g/2 cups 41% Milk Chocolate
345g/1 1/3 cups Heavy Whipping Cream (not ultra-pasteurized) – When infusing cream with herbs or tea, increase by 50% to 518g to allow for evaporation. Use only 345 total grams of infused cream in recipe.
1 Vanilla Bean
150g/5.5 oz. Unsalted Butter – softened
453g/4 cups 65% Bittersweet Chocolate for dipping
225g/2 cups Natural (not Dutch processed) cocoa powder for rolling

Directions:
1. Melt chocolates together to 120°

2. Slit vanilla bean in half and scrape seeds into cream - Heat cream to 120° (note that variations like infusions of fresh mint, Earl Grey or Jasmine Tea or the addition of fruits like raspberries or mangos would be integrated into this step).

3. Add melted chocolate to cream and, starting from the middle of the bowl, stir with a silicone spatula to start the emulsion. As the emulsion forms in the center of the bowl, move to the edges to completely blend the ingredients.

4. Add the room temperature butter and mix with immersion blender

5. Pour ganache into a saran wrap covered ¼ sheet pan and smooth out with an offset spatula – cover with another sheet of saran to prevent a skin from forming on the ganache.

6. Refrigerate until firm (at least 2 hours, or preferably overnight)

7. Remove ganache, remove saran and invert ganache onto the back of a second ¼ sheet pan. Using a steel ruler, mark edges of ganache in 1" increments.

8. Using a pizza cutter or sharp paring knife, using the ruler as a guide, cut ganache into 1" squares. Roll each square in latex gloved hands into a smooth ball and refrigerate for 1 hour.

9. Melt bittersweet chocolate for dipping. In latex gloved hands, alternately place small amounts of melted chocolate and truffle balls in your hand to coat.

10. Drop coated truffles in natural cocoa and roll to coat. Place coated truffles on a saran covered ¼ sheet pan and refrigerate until ready to eat.

Those of us who watched Martha Stewart's aborted foray into Donald Trump's Apprentice realm will definitely remember Bethenny Frankel.

Three years ago, Bethenny Frankel was known as the show's runner up to actual winner...um, what was her name, again? Oh, right, Dawna Stone. (Oh, give me a break -- who would remember someone who would write a book called Winning Nice?) In the Television Without Pity forums, Frankel's gaunt eye sockets, Grinch-like smile, and nasty attitude earned her the nickname of "Corpse Bride." Where Dawna was nice and blond, Bethenny was evil and brown. Where Dawna founded a sporty magazine for women, Bethenny baked low fat, wheat free, egg free, dairy free, and refined sugar free products.

Safely squirreled away in one of Martha's many magazines, Dawna has receded into relative obscurity while Bethenny has taken back the bitchlight. Not only is she "starring" on The Real Housewives of New York as the, rather confusingly, only unmarried housewife, but she catalogs her television appearances and online cooking show on her very own, very pink YouTube channel, she has a food column in Health magazine, and she maybe continues to bake. Back in the pre-Bravo days, the Bethenny Bakes website actually resembled that of one trying to push natural baked goods. Now, it just looks like a vanity site.

Recently, the dressing room of the Wednesday taping of the Bravo A-List Awards beheld a scene straight out of The Women. Just replace Paulette Goddard's pearly whites with Bethenny Frankel's Jungle Red nails. Apparently, scripted jokes about miles lived from beach and the minuteness of New York apartments culminated in a fight that required Tamra Barney (of The Real Housewives Original Flavor) to use daubs of makeup to mask the scratches on her sun-soaked arm.

Even after drawing first blood, Bethenny threatened that the cat fight was far from over, promising, "Give me a can of hairspray and a match, and I'll take care of that in the dressing room later."

Oddly enough, that's also her recipe for crème brûlée.

One needs many lifetimes to enjoy all that the Crescent City has to offer. Alas, I only have ten days and one stomach.

That hasn’t stopped me from trying, though. Here are just a few of the highlights from the past week….

If you’re here during the winter and if someone you know owns an oyster boat, be sure to pack a bottle of hot sauce and an oyster knife. A screwdriver from the engine room works almost as well. Otherwise, head to Casamento's during the R months — like any proper oyster house they’re closed during the summer — or squeeze in with the tourists at Acme in the French Quarter.

If you’re here in the springtime, ask for wild crawfish from the Atchafalaya Basin. (Resist calling them crayfish or mudbugs, please.) At other times of the year, try to track down ones raised in the rice country surrounding nearby Lafayette. They’re on menus everywhere, but perhaps the best way to find some good crawfish boil is to take the St. Charles Avenue Streetcar all the way uptown to Audubon Park on the weekend. Make friends with one of the families gathered for a reunion or birthday (or at least, get to know the people tending the 60 gallon pots). A few neighborly words and a request for their recipe will nearly always garner you a pile of crawfish. Head to the shade of a nearby tree and feast away.

There are many sources for pralines, a classic New Orleans sweet. My favorite version, heavy on the pecans, comes from Southern Candymakers at 334 Decatur Street (and Iberville) in the French Quarter.

After seeing their cheerful trucks parked along Dauphine Street, I started hunting for Hubig’s pies. It wasn’t hard. The little fried treats are everywhere in New Orleans. Look for a corner store or grocery store, and you’ll soon be in front of a tempting selection. I’ve managed to try apple, coconut, and lemon, and love all three. Blackberry, strawberry, blueberry, cherry, peach, pineapple, and chocolate are still on my list. With a 7-day expiration date printed on each bag, Hubig’s little pies aren’t sold anywhere else.

Along with rice and vegetables, Prairie Arcadians raised cattle, and to those early ranchers we owe the loveliness of spoon-tender grillades and another NOLA classic, roast beef po’boys. One of the best is served up at a local bar, Parasol’s at 2533 Constance Street (and Third). Walk past the bar, stopping to order a cold beer or an iced tea (don’t even bother asking for sweet tea), and then head to the window in the back room where you can order one of these messy sandwiches. Also on the menu are the typical fried treats: oysters, boudin balls and “dickles,” sour-salty dill slices encased in a crisp coating.

Be sure to save time on Saturday morning for Market Umbrella’s
Crescent City Farmers Market at the intersection of Magazine and Girod. Just to the right of the Magazine Street entrance, Smith Creamery parks their refrigerated truck and lines up their coolers. Stop for a bit of their Creole cream cheese, an ivory-tinted mixture of cultured skim milk and pure cream. Its slightly tart, very rich flavor is the base of local cheesecakes, dips and sauces. Most folks I ask, though, admit to just eating it with a spoon.

While at the market, buy some Creole tomatoes. Dense, smooth flesh and a deep, rich, sweet flavor with just the right amount of acidity make them essential for the Cajun and Creole cooking. You can’t get them anywhere else, as their flavor comes from the soil of Plaquemines and they bruise too easily for shipping. After meals of roux-based sauces, fried foods galore, and more cocktails than I should admit, slicing these luscious tomatoes, sprinkling them with a hint of salt, and enjoying them as a refreshing mid-afternoon salad is at the top of my list for local flavors.

As you’re strolling the market and wilting under the mid-morning sun, look for an inconspicuous, hand-lettered sign offering “Amanda’s fresh fruit juices and frozen fruit bars.” An icy cold peach popsicle or a gorgeously red strawberry popsicle or, for those who have enjoyed avocado shakes at Vietnamese restaurants, the avocado and cream popsicle are all must-tries.

As you head out, don’t forget to stop by Melvin’s corner table for some of his crazy-yummy boiled peanuts. Left in the ground an extra year, they become super plump and flavorful. Boiled in a spicy mix and scooped up warm, they are addictive beyond reason.

Liz Williams, director of the excellent Southern Food and Beverage Museum, received frantic emails from post-Katrina exiles scattered across the country: “I can’t find red drink. And they don’t even know what it is around here!” Back in New Orleans, though, they can order it confidently. Also known as nectar soda, this slightly fizzy, slightly sweet, and very red drink will convert even those who swear they never sip sodas.

A big icy snowball drizzled in syrup is another way to cool down. The best, judging by the one-hour line I joined on a hot Sunday afternoon, is shaved up at Hansen’s Sno-Bliz. Sweet-smiling Ashley Hansen has taken over the reins from her grandparents, who invented their shop’s machine that shaves extra fluffy snow from large blocks of ice. They make their own syrup and store it in an old Frigidaire in the back of their shop on 4801 Tchoupitoulas Street (at Bordeaux). Wild cherry, strawberry, lemonade, chocolate cream, coffee, almond, spearmint, bubblegum, and many many more -- it’s a long list that you’ll have plenty of time to contemplate. Use your time in line to gather dining notes from those around you. Everyone in New Orleans can and will talk about food.

Before you leave town, be sure to stop at a grocery store. Breaux and Rouse’s are two local chains where you can stock up on supplies for recreating your favorite NOLA dishes and snag fun gifts for friends and families. Shrimp/crab/crawfish boil mix comes in little bags that are perfect for tucking into the corners of your suitcase. Zatarain’s is the old standby, but there are lots of other brands. Every cook has a favorite, and every cook adds other secret ingredients, so any of them will do you fine.

Monday is the traditional day for making rice and beans, using that big, tasty bone left from Sunday’s ham. Fortunately, you can enjoy it any day of the week here and at home. The secret, of course, is Camellia red beans. No other bean will give the right creamy consistency and that flavor that Louis Armstrong evoked in his letters -- “red beans and rice-ly yours.”

A few weeks ago, I was watching To Be or Not To Be at a friend's house where, after the film, I wandered into the kitchen to help myself to a glass of water. As I was drinking, I spied an oddly-titled book on the kitchen table-- Muscle Chow. I picked it up and began to thumb through...

I barely had the chance to scan the recipe for Muscle Meatloaf before my friend walked in, shouted something about his not wanting me to see the book, and tried to rip it from my hands. I had a fairly firm grasp on the thing, but it was clear he was determined. Though the idea of a playful round of kitchen wrestling was appealing, I let go-- I could see the red fires of shame burning his eye sockets.

My pleas for a longer look at the thing were met with a firm "No."

Muscle Meatloaf? God, I thought, no wonder he was embarrassed. But why mortifyingly so? The level of alarm he displayed would have been appropriate if I had, say, found a bottle of poppers, a traffic cone, and can of Crisco accidentally left lying about in the dining room. But, no, this was just a little cookbook left among the stack of papers and news weeklies on his kitchen table. What was the big deal?

It felt as though I had stumbled upon his secret stash of porn. In a sense, I did, but it was food porn. Gay food porn. Perhaps it was the embarrassing admission that he, too, had fallen victim to the gay curse of body dysmorphia. I should have known something was up when he wanted to stop on the way to dinner and buy a bottle of flax seed oil.

I just had to get a hold of a copy for myself, so I did. In fact, I have two, thanks to my not understanding the Click-and-Buy feature at Amazon.com. And next time, I will make certain my purchases aren't sent to my rather perplexed ex-boyfriend.

Ready, Set, Cook.

Before I start complaining about the writing of this cookbook, I must state that it's actually a good resource for those looking to eat well, build muscle, and burn fat. Really. And it's hard not to like any diet-related book that warns against not eating enough. That said...

If ever a cookbook could grunt, it would be Muscle Chow, published by Men's Health. Filled with enough manly posturing to make a professional wrestler uncomfortable, the recipes are straight forward and fairly sound. I suppose the creative team had no choice to pump up the He-Man tone of the book-- how else are you going to get He-men to eat things like Strawberry Salad or Cucumber-Lime Gelatin? You hide them between recipes entitled "Fix 'N' Eat Sardine Sandy" and "Ultimate Muscle Stacks", a muscle-boy riff on pancakes-- that's how.

It's really the names of the recipes that leave me simultaneously amused and disgusted. Ripped Chicken? I picture a violent death. Muscle-Bound Chili? I should think the kidney beans would be more likely to un-bind. Cherry Custard Protein Pie? That just make me feel so dirty I want to take a shower.

Muscle Chow is a fun read, if just for those recipes alone. And the number of "'N'" recipes-- Tofu 'N' Whey Surprise, Oat Peaches 'N' Cream, and On-The-Go Cottage Cheese 'N' Bananas (which is listed next to On-The-Go Cottage Cheese And Preserves) suggest just that-- that a muscle man is too on-the-go to have time to write out the letters a-n-d. It also suggests a certain self-consciousness about spending too much time in the kitchen, which is disappointing.

In fairness to my friend, I think this book was purchased with a desire for greater health and well-being in mind. I don't think he's planning on turning himself into the next Colt Men cover boy. (Please, say it isn't so.) So I wish him luck in his muscle chow and I shall salute his efforts by raising my spoon and digging into a hearty baby food-infused helping of Vein-Poppin' "Tapioca" Pudding.

Cheers.

Peanut Butter Muscle Bombs

I chose to make this recipe because of the name, naturally. That and the fact that I was glad I could use up another 1/4 cup of the molasses that's been sitting in my cupboard, neglected. I was shocked by how absolutely addictive they are. Really.

Ingredients:

2 cups all-natural unsalted crunchy peanut butter, drained of separated oil

2 scoops vanilla whey protein powder (a measuring scoop is included in every can)

1/4 cup + 1 tablespoon molasses

2 tablespoons whole flax seeds.

Preparation:

1. In a large bowl, mix together all ingredients. This takes some muscle (their words, not mine).

2. Form the mixture into walnut-sized balls. Place in a container lined with waxed paper or parchment, separating each layer with another sheet of waxed paper or parchment.

3. Chill in the freezer or fridge for at least two hours before serving.

Makes 25 bombs.

Notes:

I was uncertain as to just what "walnut-sized" meant. Shelled or unshelled? Given the problem of steroid use within the bodybuilding community and it's resultant testicular shrinkage, it isn't surprising they managed to squeeze 25 of these out of the recipe. I only got 20 out of it.

Also, I decided to place the flax seeds on the outside of the balls, since the whey powder lends a very unpleasant-looking greenish tinge to the brown of the molasses and peanut-butter, which made the resulting balls roughly the color of a dog's fecal matter after he's eaten too much grass. Rolling the bombs in the seeds not only disguises this, but makes their handling much easier, too. Talking about the bombs with my friend Jay, he warned me that eating too much flax would aid not only in the pumping up of one's muscles, but the pumping out of one's bowels.

"Like a duck down a slide," he said.

Enjoy.